Death of 3 close family members and a 5 y.o.- how to tell/process

[snaptikappmefr]

@daddylopez1963 Thank you so much. I will still need to get myself now to sleep, that is the biggest problem now.

 

[rawrightx]

@snaptikappmefr I would try to validate any fears. Don’t be afraid of them.

 

[seditthis]

@rawrightx Yeah this is the most important thing. Let her feel her feelings.. which will be super hard for the mom with her grief. I’m so sorry OP

What I keep reading about children’s trauma is that it’s not the events that cause problems; it’s the events + feeling alone or shut down or unheard that cause trauma.

I think the little girl probably will be scared of illness for a little while. I… I feel like if my mother died suddenly (which could happen!) then I’d be scared of illness for a while too, on some level. That’d just be part of my grief. I would want people in my life to understand & accept my fear. And gradually the fear would fade.

I’m trying to remember, but I think around age 5 kids tend to have a lot of questions about death. So this could be hard for all of you. But it won’t be bad for your daughter in any long term sense.

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@seditthis Yes it is quite true. When grandfather died she was not understanding what death is at first so she didn’t react. After a while she said to me she is angry at him because he died. I explained that this is not something he chose, he would not have done it. This alone changed her view on what happened. I try to talk (and cry) with her and I will do the same now. We talk mostly about nice memories but sometimes we talk about things that hurt us as well (the fact he was very ill last month of life and needed wheelchair for example). It helps her a lot but is draining for us to do. She likes to tell people he died and a lot of them change the topic immediately, it is sad that we are so afraid of feelings that we create trauma.

 

[mattmizzno]

@snaptikappmefr I’m so sorry for the unexpected loss of your mother. I commented here before on my experience in talking about death with a 3/4yo, but it was my son’s first death and he didn’t have any fear surrounding it. I found this comment/thread that I thought was helpful on discussing death with a 5yo: Previous Thread

They recommend the Mr. Rogers’ episode on death and I think, for her age, it’d be a really good thing to watch together.

 

[notworthconsideration]

@mattmizzno Amazon has lots of age appropriate storybooks that can help explain as well.

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@notworthconsideration I already bought some in the past that did serve me well. One I really like and it is more general not just about death is The Rabbit Listened.

 

[notworthconsideration]

@snaptikappmefr You could do a memorial or something. A plant or something relevant thay her grandma loved she can care for and talk to.

Any which way you look at it, it will be a tough conversation.

I am sorry for the losses you've experienced lately.

 

[tanner1991]

@snaptikappmefr The Invisible Thread is also really good. With five year olds I would just make very certain to use direct language (eg “died” rather than “went to sleep” or “lost”) as kids can be so literal at that age. It sounds like you’re already doing this. Sometimes there are children’s grief camps put on by local hospices—you may want to look at that. Do you have a faith tradition it would be helpful to connect with? I’m all over the place here but these are my first ideas. I’m so sorry you’re having to manage these conversations. I hope you and your child find comfort.

 

[mattmizzno]

@notworthconsideration Absolutely - our favorite for that age is “Lifetimes” (if OP needs book recommendations). It sounded like OP was more focused on the immediate conversation and there might not be time to get books at this moment, but there are so many great ones out there

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@mattmizzno Yes true,,how to break the news is my biggest concern atm. But anything is useful.

 

[newby1985]

@mattmizzno Seconding that “lifetimes” is really helpful for children.

 

[susiejo]

@snaptikappmefr I don’t know how you feel about afterlife/heaven and teaching your kids about it, but I recently found out that my favorite childhood book, Balloonia, is about loss and the afterlife. It wasn’t a connection I ever made as a child, but reading it to my daughter, I realized. It’s about where balloons go when we let them go into the sky, and how they end up in a perfect balloon world. I don’t know exactly how I personally feel about teaching my daughter about religion/Heaven, but if you are comfy with it, I highly recommend the book for an approachable way to talk about loss!

 

[emmylou]

@snaptikappmefr Kids are pretty smart. I was 7 when I lost my brother to a drunk driver & I was so angry that they wouldn’t let me see him. Then soon after, my grandfather died & the word death was only whispered around us children. We weren’t allowed to go to his funeral. I was so angry about that. Like, did they think I would be ok with them just gone? No explanation? I say imagine yourself at her age. What did you understand? Do you want her to resent you for never explaining the loss?
In no way do I mean to sound cruel, but kids are a lot smarter & more resilient than we think.

 

[snaptikappmefr]

@emmylou I agree with you and am so sorry for your loss. We are explained death and we talk about it a lot, even before with grandfather. I was looking more at how to tell, not if.

 

[starsandthemoon]

@snaptikappmefr I saw a really helpful post on another sub (maybe r/toddlers) about confronting death with a toddler and tucked it away for when the time came. We also have 4 elderly grandparents we’re very close to. The gist of that post was the parents just sat down and told their toddler what happened as simply and clearly as possible - that case was a sibling that died shortly after birth. I wish I could link it but you might be able to search for it. I’m sorry for your loss.

 

[nellyew]

@snaptikappmefr Hi, I'm not sure where in the world you are but Cruse in the UK have excellent resources. They have a helpline you can ring too and even a webchat.

Here is their information on talking to children:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/children-young-people/

So sorry for your loss.