I’m at a loss with my 7 year old

[ericthesinner]

We have a 7 year old that is losing her mind over every little thing. Tuesday we’re bringing her in for an evaluation but man it’s been a rough stretch lately. She’s 7, an angel at school, great at everyone else’s home but once she is at home it’s like we’ve stepped into a lions den.
We can’t ask her to do anything without a tantrum and screaming I hate you and want a new family, we can’t let her sister watch her show or we get extreme emotions and stomping of her feet. If her friends come over she’ll just get silent after a little while and tell us she wishes they went home, she’ll piss and Moan If they don’t do exactly what she wants. 2 weeks ago was her homecoming for school and she had a meltdown and tried to runaway because her 2 best friends weren’t “including” her, which was total bs. They were, only she didn’t want to partake in what they did. She made a scene and ran off crying and screaming in front of a ton of people, her friends parents are seeing her act like this and I know they’re going to keep their kids away soon. We spoke to her about all of this, we told her don’t let one bad day define you but the next night we went out to dinner with our friends who she loves, and she laid in the floor pissing and moaning because she hated her seat.

She is 10x worse for her mother, normally fine for me. Manipulation is a big part of the act
Lately. I know she is very jealous of her little sister and that’s a big issue. I’ve read so many books, ive been researching, I’ve lost sleep. I just want my daughter to be ok. I never thought I’d turn to Reddit for help, but I’ll do anything. Tuesday we see someone and I pray they can help us.
Sorry dads, just a fellow father looking for help!

Update. As I wrote this she called her mom on FaceTime and asked how to make toast, I came upstairs and she had made toast for the whole family and is so proud. The emotions of being a father have no boundaries.

 

[richardy]

@ericthesinner So there is a phenomenon where the acting out around family is actually an indication that children feel extremely safe. They are well behaved everywhere and they feel they are allowed to express themselves freely in the unconditional safety of their home. I k ow it seems counter intuitive but that is what much of the research indicates. The key I think is figuring out how to encourage that safe emotion share in a more constructive way.

 

[ericthesinner]

@richardy I have read that and agree! I just need to figure out what way we can properly encourage!

 

[ericthesinner]

@richardy I just ordered 4 Emotional learning books for kids in her age group. I love this idea!

 

[leeli]

@ericthesinner My wife is a therapist and we’ve both spent a lot of time working on our own mental health, so we’ve probably overindexed on this sort of thing with our 3-year-old, but I’ve been blown away with how she can not only identify her emotions, but also knows healthy coping mechanisms like taking deep breaths, listening to music (“Frozen make feel better”) and asking for help. She still has plenty of tantrums and we don’t always have time to reinforce those lessons, but we see some real flashes of understanding her feelings.

A huge part of emotional intelligence that I think might help with your daughter is that her feelings are valid. It may seem silly to pitch a fit over trivial stuff, but the emotions they cause her to feel can be very real and intense for her. Showing her you understand and empathize that she is upset or angry helps her feel heard and validated. Then you can reinforce that it’s ok for her to feel those feelings, but it’s not ok for her to let those feelings cause her to act in a disruptive or harmful way.

There are lots of productive ways of dealing with intense feelings, from taking deep breaths, talking about it, physical activity (I literally have an “anxiety hole” in my backyard that I’ll go out and dig in when I’m struggling) and a bunch more.

Of course, way easier said than done. But with a saintly amount of patience, it could be a great learning opportunity.

Also as someone with a lifelong anxiety disorder who wasn’t diagnosed until after college, I’m glad you’re bringing her in for an evaluation. My parents are kind and loving people, but they totally missed the boat on that. Most of my “tantrums” as a kid were actually anxiety attacks that I couldn’t articulate. Not saying that’s what’s up with your daughter, but a lot of times fear and anxiety manifests as anger.

Good luck, boss. Fellow dad cheering for you.

 

[ericthesinner]

@leeli She 100% battled anxiety as I did as a kid, fortunately as an adult I’ve learned I’m able to get on top of it 99.9 percent of the time. Anxiety is very real with her, if she thinks of a setting that stresses her out she will hang onto it and prepare for it for hours. For example if we say we’re going to a block party she will be so excited and talk about it all day. And then when the time comes she will say I don’t want to go and fuss over nothing. She’s been with me all day, we’ve done so much and she’s been perfect. I sensed her falling off the rails a little and spoke with her. She missed mommy a little but I’ve been able to reel her back in. Unfortunately when mommy is home she is 1000000x worse. And I believe it is because my so doesn’t know how to reason with her and understand the emotions. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I know alot of my little ones emotions stem from her mom not being able to understand and thinking it will solve itself.

 

[elliebean]

@leeli How do you handle when they reject trying to validate?

Eg, when dealing with a furious child -

Me: I understand you feel mad.

Child [now even madder]: I DON’T FEEL MAD

I keep chalking this up to “she’s 3,” but would really like to be able to feel like I’m making some headway on this.

 

[joanr65]

@elliebean My daughter does this 100% of the time. I shifted to saying "it's okay to feel mad/upset/frustrated." I also have had a lot of success talking about when I felt mad in similar circumstances, i.e. "My brother used to take my toys too, and I would feel so mad."

 

[tiago]

@elliebean "No? Then how do you feel?"

 

[elliebean]

@tiago I appreciate this is good but we just haven’t had much success with open-ended questions. Or if we have,I’m struggling to clock it and only remember when they aren’t successful.

 

[ericthesinner]

@elliebean I usually say let me know when you’re calmed down so we can talk and instantly she goes “IM calm now!”

 

[ericthesinner]

@elliebean It’s ok to have emotions and be upset, but we have to work on your reactions and responses!
Think about it for one second before you fly off the handle, talk to me I can help you before you feel the need to yell!

 

[wilburini]

@richardy The board game is awesome. It requires the player to talk about a time when they felt the emotion associated with that color. Pretty cool

 

[katrina2017]

@wilburini Hell, I think I would benefit from that.

 

[wilburini]

@katrina2017 It's a lot of fun and really makes you think about stuff

 

[ericthesinner]

@richardy Truthfully my daughter is a great reader and loves any and all books! It cannot hurt

 

[bill55]

@ericthesinner Pick up “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so kids will talk” it’s such a good book. My LOs are 4y and 17mos so a lot of it is just practice for us so far!

 

[keji]

@ericthesinner Is there a way/place where you can encourage misbehaving/letting it out?

Reading /@richardy I thought of these places where you can go and smash cars. If she is behaving all the time and feels safe at home to act out, maybe you can direct the outlet into something less constructive?

 

[ericthesinner]

@keji Love the idea. We used to put on crazy train by Ozzy Osbourne and tell her it’s ok to tell and be wild while this is on. It actually helped, weird we got away from it

 

[tylerfrench]

@keji Not sure this is a good idea. I heard about some Japanese companies having a room where employees could go and smash stuff as a relief from anger. Turned out it didn't motivate people to manage their feelings to prevent anger and as a result domestic violence went up.
I heard this long time ago and have not verified it, but it sounded logical to me.
Surpressing emotions is definitely not healthy, but how about sports / dancing / being active outdoors, in the woods...