@laurie4321 That’s a good sign. Look up after-school restraint collapse.
How do you control your rage when your child physically hurts you?
- Thread starter laurie4321
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laurie4321
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@laurie4321 Maybe looking more into that can give you some more practical pointers. I would ask the teachers too as they might have some good feedback!
samalematina
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katrina2017
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@laurie4321 Then I really think you need to address the yelling/getting angry in front of him if he is doing well when you aren’t around.
laurie4321
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@katrina2017 Right I know that. I don’t get upset and angry until he physically hurts me. Something about the pain of a hard bite sends me into rage. And it’s related to potty for him and that’s why he bites. I know I am a bad mom I’m also looking up parenting classes in my area.
katrina2017
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@laurie4321 I mean I don’t think you are a bad mom based on this alone and nobody enjoys being bit, god knows I’ve felt anger when my own kid has responded physically to me. The only issue is that if you can’t recognize that and check yourself/it happens repeatedly apologizes won’t matter to him and his behavior will reflect that. Is it possible to just take a step back from potty training for a second until you see his dr for help with the poop issue?
laurie4321
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@katrina2017 He’s all the way potty trained he just is holding his poop in bc it hurts and it hurts bc he’s holding it in.
munchkin88
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@laurie4321 Physical pain really gets me too
my son is only 15 months but he really likes to bite mom and dad 
I have found the biggest reactions from me often happen when it’s like unexpected or multiple things that are slowly pushing me further and further away from calm. I find stepping away sooner (even if that means he’s screaming at me while I have a baby gate between us) REALLY helps prevent big reactions.
I say “mommy is getting grumpy so she needs to take a little space right now, I’ll be “—- right outside the door, in the bathroom, under the blankets whatever —- just a little distance to keep from boiling over. Take that time to change your headspace. Run cold water on your wrists or splash your face. Suck a sour candy, or eat crunch food/ice, chug some water or scarf down a cookie. Do some stretching or run in place. Whatever I need to do to reset. If I can’t get away, I will literally hold him at arm’s length and say “we are gonna take some deep breaths together, because we could both use them”
I do everything I can to avoid bites. I will literally shove pillows between his mouth and my leg, squirm away, distract, flail whatever I have to so I can avoid the bite. “I will not let you bite me”. If he does get me, he gets ONE. Then “mommy needs to keep her body safe. I’m going to give us some space”. For what it’s worth, my husband has the big reactions like you and our son bites him A LOT more than me. At first it was mostly me but when he realized all he got was boring and distance he mostly finds other ways to let me know he was frustrated. Now if he bites me I know he’s probably in pain.
my son is only 15 months but he really likes to bite mom and dad I have found the biggest reactions from me often happen when it’s like unexpected or multiple things that are slowly pushing me further and further away from calm. I find stepping away sooner (even if that means he’s screaming at me while I have a baby gate between us) REALLY helps prevent big reactions.
I say “mommy is getting grumpy so she needs to take a little space right now, I’ll be “—- right outside the door, in the bathroom, under the blankets whatever —- just a little distance to keep from boiling over. Take that time to change your headspace. Run cold water on your wrists or splash your face. Suck a sour candy, or eat crunch food/ice, chug some water or scarf down a cookie. Do some stretching or run in place. Whatever I need to do to reset. If I can’t get away, I will literally hold him at arm’s length and say “we are gonna take some deep breaths together, because we could both use them”
I do everything I can to avoid bites. I will literally shove pillows between his mouth and my leg, squirm away, distract, flail whatever I have to so I can avoid the bite. “I will not let you bite me”. If he does get me, he gets ONE. Then “mommy needs to keep her body safe. I’m going to give us some space”. For what it’s worth, my husband has the big reactions like you and our son bites him A LOT more than me. At first it was mostly me but when he realized all he got was boring and distance he mostly finds other ways to let me know he was frustrated. Now if he bites me I know he’s probably in pain.
laurie4321
New member
@laurie4321 There are different therapies like occupational physical speech in school they may qualify for an aid or a smaller classroom size. It depends on the evaluation.
@laurie4321 This is so hard. Idk if any of this will help— my LO is only 15 months old so a very different developmental stage, but she is extremely language advanced (like, 2-3 year old language milestones advanced). She occasionally lashes out and hits/bites me. I always respond with a very stern voiced “No [hitting/biting]. [Hitting/biting] hurts. I won’t let you hurt me.” I will then put her down and remove myself sometimes to the other side of a baby gate (so she can still see me but not physically contact me). This usually results in tears and I will then always shift to comforting her. Once she’s calm, I will recap the situation. Adding that it’s my job to keep her, and myself, safe.
We do a lot of practice and role playing scenarios like this. I’ll use books that have examples of kids being angry or frustrated. Books that have examples of things hurting, etc. Whenever she hurts herself we talk about “ouch” and “that hurts” so that she understands the concept.
Redirection is another thing we practice. Whenever I can sense her starting to get overwhelmed I will offer her a safe thing to bite or hit, and say “no biting/hitting people. Bite/hit this.” with a demonstration.
It’s been 3 months since this behavior started and I’ve already noticed a marked improvement. A lot of the time she catches herself and says “no biting people” or “bite something” (asking for me to give her something to bite). Whenever she hurts herself she voices “hurts” or “ouch.”
I really really really focus on channeling all of my rage response to being hit or bitten or kicked into the firmness of my no. I make it as clear and as serious as I possibly can, making eye contact and really trying to put energy into my no. I’m not perfect and I’ve definitely snapped a few times. But I put A TON of effort into controlling my reactions. Take deep breaths and clench/unclench my fists if I need to move some of that anger through my body first.
This is so far the most difficult aspect of parenting IMO. It’s very triggering. I feel for you
We do a lot of practice and role playing scenarios like this. I’ll use books that have examples of kids being angry or frustrated. Books that have examples of things hurting, etc. Whenever she hurts herself we talk about “ouch” and “that hurts” so that she understands the concept.
Redirection is another thing we practice. Whenever I can sense her starting to get overwhelmed I will offer her a safe thing to bite or hit, and say “no biting/hitting people. Bite/hit this.” with a demonstration.
It’s been 3 months since this behavior started and I’ve already noticed a marked improvement. A lot of the time she catches herself and says “no biting people” or “bite something” (asking for me to give her something to bite). Whenever she hurts herself she voices “hurts” or “ouch.”
I really really really focus on channeling all of my rage response to being hit or bitten or kicked into the firmness of my no. I make it as clear and as serious as I possibly can, making eye contact and really trying to put energy into my no. I’m not perfect and I’ve definitely snapped a few times. But I put A TON of effort into controlling my reactions. Take deep breaths and clench/unclench my fists if I need to move some of that anger through my body first.
This is so far the most difficult aspect of parenting IMO. It’s very triggering. I feel for you
thenewman1
New member
@laurie4321 Please begin working on it. I’m relieved to hear you’re going to the pediatrician. When he goes to school or daycare, it’ll be even more of a headache as much as the reprieve of him being gone will be. You’ll set himself up for success.
And completely not popular but if medication is needed — give it a genuine try. I’ve encountered many parents who didn’t like a side effect so they won’t give it or worse, do so intermittently. You’ll never see any benefit if you’re not consistent. Whether therapy, meds, etc.
And completely not popular but if medication is needed — give it a genuine try. I’ve encountered many parents who didn’t like a side effect so they won’t give it or worse, do so intermittently. You’ll never see any benefit if you’re not consistent. Whether therapy, meds, etc.
laurie4321
New member
@thenewman1 My son is a superstar in preschool. Absolutely no issues!
@laurie4321 With my toddler (2.5) and my older kids when they were around this age; I’d try to use the phrase “I will not let you (enter action here)” while gently holding their hands or legs or keeping the at a distance if biting. If he tries again, I repeat “I will not let you hurt me. If you try again, I’m leaving the room.” They usually want to be around mom or dad, so leaving the room reinforces that if I hurt people, they will leave.
When I was parenting my older two (now 12 & 9) as toddlers, it exposed a lot of unresolved trauma and childhood issues for me. I learned that I was repeating the cycle from my parents. Who yelled, screamed, spanked (with hands and objects like a belt), and even once pinning me against the wall by my throat.
Yelling, screaming, and generally being overly angry/emotional were daily things for me. Working on myself, through therapy, journaling and general physical wellness helped a ton to resolve these issues but also learn to regulate my self so that I can teach regulation to my kids. I’m in no way perfect. I still have days where I’ll yell. But they’re much father and fewer between. And I take the time to apologize and repair the relationship.
Another thing I implemented was walking away if I could not regulate in that moment. “Mommy is feeling angry. I’m going to go calm down. I’ll be back in 5 minutes.” Or
Something like that. Then you can discuss the event that occurred after you’ve had a minute. Even just pausing to take a breath or two before responding can help. And these practices are great modeling for your kids on how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
When I was parenting my older two (now 12 & 9) as toddlers, it exposed a lot of unresolved trauma and childhood issues for me. I learned that I was repeating the cycle from my parents. Who yelled, screamed, spanked (with hands and objects like a belt), and even once pinning me against the wall by my throat.
Yelling, screaming, and generally being overly angry/emotional were daily things for me. Working on myself, through therapy, journaling and general physical wellness helped a ton to resolve these issues but also learn to regulate my self so that I can teach regulation to my kids. I’m in no way perfect. I still have days where I’ll yell. But they’re much father and fewer between. And I take the time to apologize and repair the relationship.
Another thing I implemented was walking away if I could not regulate in that moment. “Mommy is feeling angry. I’m going to go calm down. I’ll be back in 5 minutes.” Or
Something like that. Then you can discuss the event that occurred after you’ve had a minute. Even just pausing to take a breath or two before responding can help. And these practices are great modeling for your kids on how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.
leopold425
New member
@laurie4321 There are so many amazing responses on this already, I’ll just add one thing, maybe it applies to you, maybe not. It may be worth looking over your own childhood to take note of any times you felt out of control, punished in a way you didn’t deserve, or around adults who were reacting unpredictably. It’s totally normal to be re-experiencing reactions you may have had as a kid, or perhaps needed to stifle as a kid, now that you’re in the seat of the parent. I saw in the comments that you’re working with a therapist already, good for you. If anything in this comment resonates, could be something to bring up with them. Again, totally normal and something all parents deal with as far as reparenting ourselves as parents. Good luck and lots of love to you and your kiddos.
@laurie4321 I grab her arm or leg whichever she's using to hurt me, firmly in my right hand. I don't squeeze, I don't hurt, I am firm. Then I look her in the eye and say "If you're going to hurt mommy, you don't get to be around her." Then I gently remove her from me and walk away.
The moment when I grab her arm and look her in the eye is the moment I am controlling my anger. It might be tense and silent for a moment while I calm down.
The moment when I grab her arm and look her in the eye is the moment I am controlling my anger. It might be tense and silent for a moment while I calm down.
@laurie4321 Honestly- when I am in this situation I literally reframe me thinking to believe my child is mentally handicapped. I mean it kinda is true, their brain is fully developed.
You would never hit or yell or push or scream at someone with a disability- right? It isn’t their fault. So that is how I get through these moment with my toddlers- they hard mentally disabled and have no control over their actions.
You would never hit or yell or push or scream at someone with a disability- right? It isn’t their fault. So that is how I get through these moment with my toddlers- they hard mentally disabled and have no control over their actions.
@laurie4321 Wow, the mods got MordantBooger’s account deleted from Reddit over suggesting a legal option they don’t agree with. That’s really wrong