How do you control your rage when your child physically hurts you?

[parsonbrown]

@laurie4321 This isn’t normal. While 3 year olds definitely have tantrums and meltdowns and that’s developmentally appropriate, their behavior shouldn’t be this unpredictable and they should be able to somewhat regulate their emotions with support. Could it be that he’s not ready for potty training? Some kids take longer. Either way I think getting him evaluated can’t hurt and will help you get some support in place to help manage his behavior.

 

[laurie4321]

@parsonbrown I’m definitely not helping with the regulating of his emotions with support though. I just add fuel to the fire bc I get so angry and it turns into a vicious cycle until I finally can get some space from him and can calm down. He can regulate once I regulate. I’m the big issue in this situation.

 

[asphaltpotato]

@laurie4321 I agree with some/most comments here. I noticed myself filled with immediate rage at times with my child and took a lot of restraint to not yell or act on it. And that is the story of how I ended up back in therapy truthfully it’s been great and has helped me so so much with parenting and many other difficult situations that have come up. My therapist also does play therapy for kids as well if that’s something you think might help your child, so that both of you can learn to communicate and work through this.

I second the book recommendations in above comments. Otherwise parenting book wise I’ve loved- how to talk so they will listen, hunt gather parent, good inside, and many other solid books. I hope this helps and gets easier for you guys soon

 

[laurie4321]

@asphaltpotato Yep it’s the reason I’m back in therapy too. And while therapy has helped me it’s not solving the issue going on with my child. My therapist basically told me to take a time out for myself and leave him in a safe area until I’ve calmed down. Problem is my son follows me everywhere. When I tell him I need a break he follows me and says he needs a break but then sits right next to me and tries to test me again.

 

[7even7eas]

@laurie4321 Oh, I feel you. I feel so much rage sometimes. It’s immediate.

So what I try to do is make sure I get enough sleep. I know I’m so much worse if I haven’t slept enough. Then I try to be well rested and not stressed about other things. It sounds a bit stupid maybe, but I have to really avoid social media and some specific topics that are stressors to me.

Also avoiding specific arguments with people (about social justice and things I care about), because then my rage will be boiling much closer to the surface.

Also giving myself the self care - walks outside, having showered… and trying to do things I enjoy with my kid.

Talking openly with my partner about my frustrations so I don’t keep seething on them.

I’m not sure how much this helps you - but for me it’s so much easier to contain the rage if all of these other things are in a good range. It isn’t easy.

You don’t sound like a bad mom, you just sound a bit overwhelmed. Biting and being hurt regularly will make anyone angry.

 

[laurie4321]

@7even7eas Good suggestions. I try to avoid social media too that’s a big one for me. Husband is the same way as I but a tiny bit more patient. He just says hit him back but that’s his culture. He’s a hard person to vent to bc his solutions to my problems just don’t align.

Lack of sleep is getting to me but I have a 5 month old so I don’t have any choice there.

Def need more self care too haven’t showered in a few days and probably should consume more than glasses of milk and protein shakes throughout the day. But truthfully I’m so depressed and torn up about this situation that I barely have the desire to get out of bed in the morning.

 

[munchkin88]

@laurie4321 Is your husband’s culture the type to bite them back to teach them? I’ve read that this is pretty common advice but is actually known to increase the behavior and extend it.

 

[laurie4321]

@munchkin88 Yea it is

 

[munchkin88]

@laurie4321 That’s probably not helping you out at all. I know you asked for advice on managing your rage but I would start with getting on the same page as far as what is the ideal reaction

 

[7even7eas]

@laurie4321 I have a four month old and a four year old, so I understand your struggle.

It’s all hard, because sometimes I just need social media to feel like a person, you know?

Can you ask someone to help you with food? Or watching the littlest one so you can shower?

I don’t have a money problem at the moment, so I have been ordering food when I need to. I also get groceries delivered when my partner is too busy.

You are not a bad person or a bad mom. Neither the depression nor the rage nor the violence will last forever.

 

[filliadr]

@laurie4321 Aside from what everyone else has said, I find one thing you can do is firmly take control of the child’s hands (but without hurting him) and calmly explain what he did was wrong, and you will not let him continue.

I think it’s important he gets immediate feedback that what he did is not okay, and if he’s not listening the response needs to be physical, but not violent. This gets his attention so you can avoid yelling, too.

Obviously if he’s very upset and keeps fighting, do not restrain him to the point of hurting him, let him go and create distance.

 

[themagicman]

@laurie4321 Is biting hard enough to leave marks the norm at 3? Isn't that more a 1-2yo activity? I'm probably wrong, but its worth bringing up stuff like that during Dr appt.

As for when kiddo just gets on your last nerve and you want to snap? I model what I want them to do. I'll even verbalize it and sing 'when you get so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath... And count to 4. 1....2.....3.....4.' it actually works to calm me down then we address the behavior that made me so mad. I also tag in my husband if I just need a moment and he takes over. He's far more patient than I tag him in more often then he tags me in.

 

[laurie4321]

@themagicman It sounds like it’s absolutely not the norm! Something is up and it’s both him and I! We don’t make a good pair it seems.

 

[themagicman]

@laurie4321 I think you make a great pair, it's just that this is a hard age and some kids are just more challenging then others and some days are worse and sometimes stuff we try just doesn't work.

. I think its fine to show our kids that we can be vulnerable, hurt, upset, etc and that we can still help maintain boundaries and try to help them make better choices.

Yesterday was a REALLY hard day for me and it was definitely one thing after another. Like my husband had to work, so I took the kids to church on my own and they wouldn't listen and were yelling and trying to run and scream and push each other. They are 3 and 4. Sigh I did what I could to stop.it, but no sooner would one calm down, then the other would go off. Its like they were taking turns acting out and of course I felt so judged because I couldn't get them to stop for longer than a few minutes at a time. All the other kids their age are so much better behaved, at least at church.

Then we get home and they keep pushing each other down and trying to hit each other with foam swords. That actually would be fine as long both kids were into it, but the 3yo was over it pretty quick, so I had to get after the 4yo to leave her alone. Mostly, I think the kids needed less sugar (we let them have a sugary cereal for bfast) and more time at the playground to get their energy out before church, but that didn't happen since my husband was working all day and I had chores to finish and am 29weeks pregnant, so I was just tired by the afternoon and both of them decide to hit me and jump on me specifically on my belly. The first couple of times I did the whole, get on their level, hold hand, look in the eyes, and remind them feet aren't for kicking or hands aren't for hitting, but after a while we graduated up to time outs and ins.

If the 4yo is completely disregulated, he benefits from time alone in his room... Usually. The 3yo otoh does better with redirection... Again usually. Nothing worked yesterday except walking away and taking out the coloring books and having some family coloring time. That actually helped yesterday afternoon since its a pretty calming activity for all of us. Still i was so close to lashing out last night. I did the taking a breath thing at least 5 times.

 

[mcbrae]

@laurie4321 Let it out!! I struggle with rage too, the only way I can deal it to let it out. I try to take it out on pillows, works most of the time and I don’t hurt myself.

 

[basketballboy99]

@laurie4321 Lots of good advice here, but I wanted to add some additional advice:

If you ever really feel like you are going to lose your cool, isolating him in his room is a less-damaging option. Especially if you can frame it by saying "that really hurt me and I'm feeling really angry. I'm going to put you in your room while I take some deep breaths to calm down"... or even just the second sentence of that's all you can manage to say in the moment. And then when you're more centered, apologize sincerely, say the things you ACTUALLY wish you could have said in the moment, and offer hugs / reconnect.

And also, try not to feel too guilty. Real people get angry and real people make mistakes. Your kid needs to see you modeling what to do when you're angry, and how to repair when you make mistakes... if you're always calm, you miss those learning opportunities! A perfect parent is not a perfect parent.

 

[mm1992]

@laurie4321 I’m going to have to agree a one year old teething unable to communicate may bite a few times before learning it’s unacceptable. A three year old would typically be past outbursts like this. What are some examples of antecedents and how do you respond after it happens? I would probably go the full evaluation route here.

In the moment you need to remove yourself before you escalate to harming. It may be too complicated to have a put together reaction that will benefit him right now but just close yourself into another room so you don’t hurt him. Scream into a pillow if that helps. Practice a go to response to hurtful behaviors so you can deliver it successfully without having an outburst yourself. Keep it so super basic. Say it firm. And make it so hurting can not continue. So; “we don’t hit” and move out of his reach. “We don’t kick” move away from his feet. “We don’t bite” move away again. There’s a good book “teeth are not for biting” you can try reading (not during an outburst) read it to him during calm times of day.

 

[laurie4321]

@mm1992 He’s aggressive when he’s under any kind of uncomfortable situation. Too tired, too hungry, has to poop, has to pee. The intense biting tends to be when he’s constipated or stool withholding I have noticed. I yell at him in his face bc it’s so painful. Then I apologize and we move on. But that’s not solving the issue bc I’m the one ending up apologizing. I’ve called his pediatrician and waiting on a call back.

 

[mm1992]

@laurie4321 Aw maybe the doc will also say miralax too if you discuss the bowel movements. I can’t say from just this comment but I had a student he reminds me of and she qualified for services.

 

[laurie4321]

@mm1992 And edit to add: he has zero issues with potty or behavior at preschool. We just had his parent teacher conference on Friday and he said he’s doing amazing so I don’t understand.