petermushk
New member
@danielnewlun Well, thanks for ummm, absolutely nothing.
My Girlfriend’s 12 y/o Is Out of Control and Threatening to Kill Herself!
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kastarbrite
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@petermushk You're welcome! 
danielnewlun
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@petermushk If you got absolutely nothing from my comment, I really don't know what to tell you. It would appear that perhaps you have a pathological inability to self reflect.
I'll try and simplify this for you - if you keep going the way you are, and keep doing what you're doing - you are going to kill that poor little girl more and more, from the inside out, until she successfully kills herself.
Is that better?
I'll try and simplify this for you - if you keep going the way you are, and keep doing what you're doing - you are going to kill that poor little girl more and more, from the inside out, until she successfully kills herself.
Is that better?
timetopreach
New member
@petermushk hi 
does she have a hobby?
I was the evil devil child in my family (ADHD) and as a punishment for my refusal to do homework, my mother stopped me from going to my dance classes. all I did from that point was be on the computer and eat junk food. it wasn't great for my social abilities, body image or health and in turn was pretty awful for my behaviour.
maybe ask her what she would LIKE to do. have a think and a chat with your partner and see if there's any way you can get her involved in something. hobbies are the best thing for mental health and self esteem.
does she have a hobby?I was the evil devil child in my family (ADHD) and as a punishment for my refusal to do homework, my mother stopped me from going to my dance classes. all I did from that point was be on the computer and eat junk food. it wasn't great for my social abilities, body image or health and in turn was pretty awful for my behaviour.
maybe ask her what she would LIKE to do. have a think and a chat with your partner and see if there's any way you can get her involved in something. hobbies are the best thing for mental health and self esteem.
petermushk
New member
@timetopreach I very much agree, excellent insight. My girlfriend recently had a health problem which keeps her from going out, but I’ve tried to pick up the slack, especially for Kaia.
keithb2real
New member
@petermushk Cool, so you've got a golden child and a scapegoat, hallmarks of narcisstic parenting. None of this is going to improve until you and the mom do.
buzzltyr57
New member
@keithb2real And unfortunately as typical narcissists they will never accept that they have done anything wrong. They will keep piling the blame on the child. They will keep the other kid on a pedistool to show what great parents they are while they will get used to blaming the kid for everything. I know it's hard to get your head around but these people prioritise their image over the safety and health of their own child. Op needs to be in therapy as much as the child.
ligeorannen
New member
@petermushk Have you done any research around Neuro Divergence? Particuarly in girls? Its a whole different ballgame to a neuro typical. I would start there.
Also food should never be used as a punishment.
I do get it, I'm a single parent with 11yr old twins. Both are ND but complete opposites. It's hard and draining, when I feel like I'm reaching my limit I just think of how hard their life is and how pretty much the outside world works against them which brings me back to feeling compassion over frustration.
Also food should never be used as a punishment.
I do get it, I'm a single parent with 11yr old twins. Both are ND but complete opposites. It's hard and draining, when I feel like I'm reaching my limit I just think of how hard their life is and how pretty much the outside world works against them which brings me back to feeling compassion over frustration.
petermushk
New member
@ligeorannen She was diagnosed with ADD as a young child. I would hope her psychiatrist has made an assessment on whether she is ND or not. But based on the little information we are allowed from their psychiatrist and therapist, she just tells them what they want to hear and doesn’t think she has a problem that needs to be fixed.
ligeorannen
New member
@petermushk If she has ADD, then she is Neuro Divergent. Her brain processes differently.
I'd be concerned that the psychiatrist is not working closely with mum, half of my sons sessions are me giving feedback on behaviour and concerns.
You and her mum need to do your own research on ND in girls, how to help her. There's so much surrounding it, such as rejection trauma, low self-esteem, and self-worth, which can all present as disobedient behaviour.
I'd be concerned that the psychiatrist is not working closely with mum, half of my sons sessions are me giving feedback on behaviour and concerns.
You and her mum need to do your own research on ND in girls, how to help her. There's so much surrounding it, such as rejection trauma, low self-esteem, and self-worth, which can all present as disobedient behaviour.
jesussoldier
New member
@petermushk How long have you and your girlfriend been together? You moved in 4 months ago right?
petermushk
New member
@jesussoldier A year and a half
spelunker11
New member
@petermushk I don’t have any detailed advice right now, still working through my morning fog, lol.
That said, I was her once. I lied, I stole, I did drugs and threatened suicide. I went to hospitals, juvie, and even a long term (10 months I was there) treatment facility. I put my family through absolute hell and still struggle to get over the guilt I feel about that.
I’m almost 30 now. I have a job that I LOVE, working for myself. I have children who I love more than life itself and love me too. A good husband, a safe and stable home, great friends. Life is good. I’m the friend that all my friends go to for advice. Life is good and I know my parents can rest better at night knowing I’ve grown past all of the things they worried would end my life someday.
All that is just to say, even when you think it’s not working, don’t stop trying. When I was mature enough and ready to pull from the knowledge I had gathered through my journey, whether it be teachers, family, friends, therapists, I did. While my mom would have said a year after treatment that it didn’t help, she would tell you today that it saved my life, and it did.
Hang in there and feel free to DM me if you are interested in more details or just want to chat with someone that’s been there.
That said, I was her once. I lied, I stole, I did drugs and threatened suicide. I went to hospitals, juvie, and even a long term (10 months I was there) treatment facility. I put my family through absolute hell and still struggle to get over the guilt I feel about that.
I’m almost 30 now. I have a job that I LOVE, working for myself. I have children who I love more than life itself and love me too. A good husband, a safe and stable home, great friends. Life is good. I’m the friend that all my friends go to for advice. Life is good and I know my parents can rest better at night knowing I’ve grown past all of the things they worried would end my life someday.
All that is just to say, even when you think it’s not working, don’t stop trying. When I was mature enough and ready to pull from the knowledge I had gathered through my journey, whether it be teachers, family, friends, therapists, I did. While my mom would have said a year after treatment that it didn’t help, she would tell you today that it saved my life, and it did.
Hang in there and feel free to DM me if you are interested in more details or just want to chat with someone that’s been there.
petermushk
New member
@spelunker11 Two questions: how old were you when things started getting really bad and when you threatened suicide, were you actually suicidal?
spelunker11
New member
@petermushk I was about 12/13 when it got bad. My worst period was around 15/16.
The second is harder to answer, but I’d say no. I think part of me wanted to/didn’t care if I died (hence the drugs, alcohol and otherwise bad decisions), but I didn’t have any plans, nor was I actually prepared to act on it. I think it was the only way I knew how to communicate that I had an unbearable amount of pain inside. “Doing it for attention” feels dismissive, but I was crying out in the only way my brain knew how at the time.
The second is harder to answer, but I’d say no. I think part of me wanted to/didn’t care if I died (hence the drugs, alcohol and otherwise bad decisions), but I didn’t have any plans, nor was I actually prepared to act on it. I think it was the only way I knew how to communicate that I had an unbearable amount of pain inside. “Doing it for attention” feels dismissive, but I was crying out in the only way my brain knew how at the time.
@petermushk This has been the past year of our lives with my stepson and it's been miserable. I only read some of the comments and the ones that I did weren't very supportive or helpful.
I'd like to say take any advice that you can, but when it comes to the people that seem that they are "coming for you" rather than trying to help, try to remember that everyone has some sort of trauma in their lives and that can trigger how they view situations and how they feel the need to respond.
I've found that people that don't know me or my family have a more natural response to jump to defense of my stepson, which I totally understand, but it's very disheartening when you're in the situation and looking for help and understanding.
I personally believe that everyone is born who they are, that the things they go through may alter it some, but for the most part you are who you are. I believe that's why everyone handles things so differently. I think people forget that not everyone (even kids) can't be changed much unless their psyche is willing.
Sometimes therapy and loving homes don't change a dang thing and it sucks.
I will say, I used to LOVE true crime until it started to feel like there was a chance we could end up on someone's podcast.
I think the best thing that happened was someone pressed charges on something he had done which got the courts involved so people in high positions got involved and that meant more people had eyes on the situation therefore it's becoming more obvious that he's lying and manipulating. He is currently out of the home because the state is trying to get him into a program to help with his mental health and they see that we've exhausted all of our options. I hope that it is something that can be helped.
Also, a woman he had been seeing for his mental health the past year had actually told me that it can't be diagnosed until he is 18 (because of the brain and personality still developing) but she actually suspected that he may be a scociopath. She wanted to try to get him into a long term facility with individualized intense therapy. He was on a waiting list before the courts got involved so hopefully they can get him into a place like that quicker.
I wish you all the best of luck and for her to get the help she needs AND be willing to do the work to get better.
I'd like to say take any advice that you can, but when it comes to the people that seem that they are "coming for you" rather than trying to help, try to remember that everyone has some sort of trauma in their lives and that can trigger how they view situations and how they feel the need to respond.
I've found that people that don't know me or my family have a more natural response to jump to defense of my stepson, which I totally understand, but it's very disheartening when you're in the situation and looking for help and understanding.
I personally believe that everyone is born who they are, that the things they go through may alter it some, but for the most part you are who you are. I believe that's why everyone handles things so differently. I think people forget that not everyone (even kids) can't be changed much unless their psyche is willing.
Sometimes therapy and loving homes don't change a dang thing and it sucks.
I will say, I used to LOVE true crime until it started to feel like there was a chance we could end up on someone's podcast.
I think the best thing that happened was someone pressed charges on something he had done which got the courts involved so people in high positions got involved and that meant more people had eyes on the situation therefore it's becoming more obvious that he's lying and manipulating. He is currently out of the home because the state is trying to get him into a program to help with his mental health and they see that we've exhausted all of our options. I hope that it is something that can be helped.
Also, a woman he had been seeing for his mental health the past year had actually told me that it can't be diagnosed until he is 18 (because of the brain and personality still developing) but she actually suspected that he may be a scociopath. She wanted to try to get him into a long term facility with individualized intense therapy. He was on a waiting list before the courts got involved so hopefully they can get him into a place like that quicker.
I wish you all the best of luck and for her to get the help she needs AND be willing to do the work to get better.
petermushk
New member
@itwasntme I’m surprised I didn’t respond to your comment. Thanks for trying to be helpful. As I said in other comments, I too understand why everyone takes her side…hell, I kind of took her side in the beginning. Luckily she isn’t as bad as your stepson…yet. My girlfriend half-jokes as well that she might end up on a true crime show someday.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation. If there are any breakthroughs, I’d love to hear about it.
I wish you the best of luck with your situation. If there are any breakthroughs, I’d love to hear about it.
arealshirt
New member
@petermushk Do you believe you daughter is really suicidal? Do you think your opinions would change if she actually killed herself? Because she would not be the first 12 year old girl to do so. Let’s say, hypothetically, that she is faking it for attention or to get out of doing some work. That is so above and beyond what is normal for a girl her age. That level of manipulation would itself indicate that your daughter has severe mental illnesses that need to be assessed and treated. Your daughter is a child and she doesn’t have the tools to handle the emotions that are very real to her. I hope you can find it in you to find her some help and to treat her with compassion.
@arealshirt The girls are NOT OP's children. OP is their mom's live-in boyfriend of four months.
petermushk
New member
@arealshirt You’re right, that is above and beyond what is normal for a girl her age; that’s what is so scary.