How did my mom do it

[j2019]

My mom was an RN working 12 hour shifts at the hospital often picking up OT and my dad worked a 9-5 with a long commute that involved taking a train to another state. Our house was always “eat off the floors” spotless, meals were always home made, and the laundry was never pilled high. My dad mowed the lawn, cleaned the bathrooms, and played with us but the rest of running a household was on my mom. They never hired a cleaning person and didn’t have help from their parents. My mom was always dressed nice with her hair done and my parents went on dates or to parties once a week.

I work a typical 9-5 hybrid job and my husband does 7-3 but picks up OT. My husband does wayyyy more for this house than my dad ever did, like an absolute dream of a partner. My mom provides free childcare (we have one kid and a high maintenance dog) and does all our laundry while she’s here. Yet I’m EXHAUSTED at all times. My hair is always thrown in a messy bun, I do the bare minimum for office attire, weekend clothes are leggings and oversized sweatshirts. I never cook dinner. My mom says I look awful and like I need sleep. My husband wants to hire a sitter and go out on weekends but I just want to stay home. My mom says she doesn’t recall ever feeling as bad as she thinks I look.

How did she do it?!?!? I feel like I’m drowning everyday!!!!!! I’ve always wanted 2-3 kids but now I think 1 is fine. I’m on the verge of quitting my career that I worked hard for. My husband is supportive of what I’m going through and swears it’s because I stare at a computer screen all day while he gets endorphins from manual labor and my mom had a manual labor job as well. My mom seriously did it all and then some. Why can’t I do it all too?

 

[jorgeh]

@j2019 I had a similar conversation with my mom once where she told me that the part I don’t remember is her scrubbing the kitchen floor at 3am because it just HAD to be done, and that she’s glad I don’t feel that pressure and added stress

 

[changing]

@jorgeh I feel the same way. My Mom said she literally put herself in the hospital from exhaustion keeping up with everything. I think we prioritize ourselves more these days and are not going to jeopardize our health just to have a spotless house

 

[dlh48197]

@jorgeh Same my mom said it was ridiculous she held on to perfectionist tendencies while having little kids.

 

[ericfm1983]

@jorgeh Relate here! My single mom would wake up at 4 am on weekends to clean the house. Definitely don’t do that at my house. I need some sleep to feel good!

 

[church4u]

@jorgeh There was so much societal pressure on women to maintain a spotless house. My stepmom cannot sit still because she feels so compelled to clean everything all the time. She’s super anxious about it.

 

[jackmanali]

@j2019 I think that people weren’t nearly as overstimulated back then so they had the energy-both mental & physical to do more things.

There weren’t text messages, emails, social media, teams/web ex/slack, the constant mass information overload, or the desire for instant gratification with everything.

Honestly I think people work even harder now than they did back then. The influx of technology has made processes more efficient so employers give people more to do in their workday. Nowadays we are all so easily accessible. Everything is urgent. We are way more productive than we were before. No wonder we are exhausted all the time.

 

[karalynnev]

@jackmanali This is what I wanted to say, too. I had a similar conversation with my own mom and where we landed was the constant information overload that she can’t begin to perceive & didn’t have anything like that in the 80s and 90s. Plus like others have said, the ability to disconnect from 5p-8a I’m sure had a huge influence on how she treated her off hours.

 

[dennisroyse]

@karalynnev Yeah, I think having cellphones is the killer. When I broke my phone last year I purposely left it for a month...my house went from disaster to spotless, I exercised more, read more, it was crazy the difference.

 

[garyd1947]

@dennisroyse Yep. Cell phones are energy vampires and attention thieves.

 

[sabbyrina]

@jackmanali I saw somewhere that work used to be pretty chill, you'd get a few things done, sit around and have a smoke, chat, relax. Mail a letter, wait a couple weeks to hear back. I imagine people were not as exhausted by an office job like we are these days.

 

[idromos247]

@sabbyrina Yeah, that tracks. I'll send an email, get a reply, write back with my boss cc'd, they'll write back, I'll agonize over what to say now that 25 people are cc'd....in the old days you'd just....mail a letter....

 

[junobet]

@jackmanali This reminds me of this graph I saw in an article a while back, showing how worker productivity has increased, but wages have stagnated. We're doing more work for less pay.

 

[rainy214]

@jackmanali Yessss. I think often about how I wish I wasn’t a working professional in the era of smartphones.

 

[ivana626]

@jackmanali This 10000%

 

[smars]

@jackmanali This just truly clicked in my head!

 

[born2shine]

@jackmanali Absolutely spot on.

 

[repairba]

@jackmanali Yeah I agree. I waste a lot of time scrolling. I don’t feel any pressure to do it less though. Dishes and laundry are always done. House is clean. It just eats up more mental bandwidth.

 

[drewc]

@j2019 I think it's partly generational. Our mothers and their mothers felt a lot of pressure to maintain a spotless house without complaining.

When my daughter was born I decided that it was more important for me to spend my time off with her than maintaining a spotless home. Don't get me wrong, my house isn't filthy. But at any given time you'll likely find dishes in the sink and laundry to be done. But kids don't grow up and think "I'm so glad my mom spent so much time maintaining a clean house" they remember the time you spent with them.

Case in point, when my mother fusses about me about dirty dishes and says "You didn't grow up like that" my go to response is "I honestly don't remember much about the state of our house."

I remember the vacations and holidays

 

[kendrakrh]

@drewc “I don’t remember the state of the house”. So damn true, thank you for the reminder!