Why Did I Become a Mom in the U.S.?

@jamie73 Which is exactly why I’m having my tubes removed in two weeks before THAT choice is taken from me too.

If we were in any other country, or this country didn’t suck so bad, we would easily have another kid, maybe even two more. But it’s just not an option in the current reality of life in the USA
 
@aklil I'm telling you, if there was an easy way, my family and I would be getting the hell out of this shithole of a country. She goes to Pre-K at a public school, and I feel sick to my stomach sending her tomorrow. I feel so guilty for sending her and being so scared for her safety.

I just want to live in a country where the morons don't run the show. Is that too much to ask?
 
@aklil I'm Australian and my sister in law has dual citizenship between Australia and the US. She has just gotten married and I'm trying to work out if there's a polite way to suggest that if she decides to have kids that she move back to Australia to do it. Unfortunately she married a Republican (that's his job, not just his voting preference 🙄) so I think it's best just left alone.
 
@aklil I feel this on every level. Mom of 2 here. Oldest in kinder and sending him to school everyday puts a knot in my stomach. I just want my babies to be safe 😢
 
@aklil I understand the feeling, I'm also harboring feelings of bitterness and resentment for moms in countries where they get to thrive rather than just survive. I want another child, I grew up as an only child and it was very lonely, and polarizing especially when my parents divorced. I had no one to go to. But it seems like at this rate I won't be able to give my son a sibling. And the fear of complications during a pregnancy terrify me, knowing that the medical team won't be trying to save or help me if something goes wrong.

Hang in there, you aren't alone.
 
@ren53 I know the us system is Fucked but why won’t they try and save you/help you? Surely they can add that to the bill? I’m in the uk and didn’t realise it was so bad that they’ll leave you to die? I just thought you survived and then had to go bankrupt… Which is better, apparently.

Being on pregnancy subs on Reddit things are so different here, I imagine most comfortable Americans would balk at our shared care maternity services (not having a specific midwife/most not having any consultant/obgyn involvement) but for those struggling/surviving/regular moms would cry with happiness. My husband’s cousin lives in America and just couldn’t get over the fact that it cost £0 to have a baby.

I should say that our childcare system is totally fucked so we are right there with you there. I work for an American university in the U.K. so I got the bare minimum in paid time off. I only found out after I was pregnant and cried.
 
@tammyfish12 Mainly, they won't save you because of abortion laws and how strict they are, in some states you can go to jail for having a miscarriage and deem it abortion through neglect or something. But yeah, they do try to save you depending on what's going on, and then bill you out the ass.

I'm sure it's difficult anywhere when it comes to being a parent, parenthood in general is scary and overwhelming. It just sucks when your country wants to force anyone with a uterus into giving birth, but then not help them care for the child they forced them to have. Our government just wants us to spit out kids in order for them to grow up and become part of the workforce to make them more money. American citizens are basically just cattle for making money.
 
@ren53 In the U.K. they keep bemoaning the lack of people in the workforce, when women get zero help with childcare costs before their child is 3, and then it covers maybe 2 days per week full time (it only provides 30 hours p/w during school term times, which makes zero sense when your child DOESN’T GO TO SCHOOL).

It still costs me almost £800 a month with the “””30 hours free a week”””. My youngest will cost almost £1300 a month. You get 20% off that if you earn under £100K (which I definitely do!!!). It varies so much that 20 minutes up the road the same chain of nurseries costs £1900 a month for the same service.

There’s huge demand and little supply as nurseries aren’t supported enough, so loads closed during covid. And the cost of living makes it so expensive too (can’t exactly have it freezing when caring for babies). We are at 10% inflation here, and food inflation is even more.

But we have health care, and that’s what really counts. My daughter has had surgery on her eyebrow cyst at the top eye hospital in Europe (probably). The wait was long but it cost nothing. She’s collapsed 3 times this year and every trip to A&E (ER) and all the tests have been free. As were the additional follow up tests, consultant appointments etc. Services for women’s health are generally horrendous but I’m still grateful for what we have compared to you.
 
@tammyfish12 Pregnancy is going to be very state dependent now. Since roe v wade (our federal abortion protection, based on a Supreme Court ruling from the 1970s) was repealed by the GOP many (mostly) southern states have put in very strict bans against abortion.

This is leading to women in many southern states not getting evidence based care for pregnancy. If a fetus has a known incompatible with life problem, it has to die in utero (no heartbeat) before it can be removed, or the woman has to travel out of state for care. This increases risk of infection, and obviously causes a ton of mental/psychological pain for the parents to be. If a fetus does die in utero sometimes doctors are reluctant to act (and even being advised not to by their and the hospitals legal team) until te woman is showing signs of infection, uterine infections get really bad really fast and often end in hysterectomy.

Many abortion clinics in neighboring states are becoming inundated with appointments, so even if you’re lucky enough to have the time and money to travel for care, good luck getting an appointment.

To add insult to injury, some states are allowing citizens to bring civil suits against anyone having or aiding an abortion. At least one state is toying with the ideal of death penalty for anyone who has an abortion.

All of this is effecting working/middle class and poverty stricken women at much higher rates than affluent ones.
 
@aklil Yup. I have two, and I’m lucky enough to be in demand in my line of work, and I’m lucky enough to live in a good neighborhood and have lovely neighbors who hold the same values I do, and I’m lucky enough that my state still hasn’t removed my rights even though the governor is pushing hard for that, and I’m lucky enough that my OB is amazing… and I hate that it’s luck that keeps us in a good place.

My mom told me that the universe guided us here and I told her that’s bullshit, because why did the universe guide my friend’s baby to have cancer, and her other one to die of SIDS? Why did the universe guide another friend to have a micropreemie when we were due the same week, and have her baby stay in NICU for over 90 days while my baby was born full term? Why did the universe have Roe overturned? For that matter, why did the universe make us fight for years to get my spouse’s back disability pay? 🙄
 
@aklil I have been drowning in thoughts in how the hell to get out of here. I have a 13 month old and really want another child, but the thought of raising them here is just soul crushing. I am trying to think of what career I could change to that would be useable in another country. I don’t care if I pay more taxes, or live in a smaller home to live in Europe and my kids are safer with basic human rights.
 
@aklil Coming to terms with the fact that I do actually want to give my kiddo a sibling but it's just not safe. Not for her, not for me. not for any of us.
 
@patticats Try to avoid the news while not keeping your head buried in the sand. It's hard balancing act, but I had to unplug myself from the 24/7 news cycle for my own mental health.
 
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