Factors that contributed to your OAD decision

[tony717]

@walid373 I’ll say this, we have 5 remaining embryos and are OAD. It’s hard to say goodbye to them or that idea and so that’s probably why they’re still frozen and our child is 2 and we’re both on the cusp of 40 and wouldn’t want to go beyond that in having another anyway. It’s hard it is and I’m pretty sure if I decided to have another then my spouse would be on board to go for it, but I’m not. Your husband doesn’t want to and so I think the first consideration is that you’re OAD with him. And there shouldn’t be a world where you try to convince him. Don’t do that. That breeds resentment and the far worse outcome of someone regretting having another child.

That said, I’m OAD for a few reasons, I’m over 40 now, I do want to have time for myself, I struggled with PPD, and still do, the newborn through toddler phase is ROUGH for me, I worry if the second has any sort of serious health or developmental issues, I don’t want to travel with young kids at all much less two and I do like to travel, financially it would be rough, and in my opinion you can’t have multiple kids to give them siblings more kids are for you and I don’t want to raise more babies.

 

[tekdefender]

@walid373 I had an easy pregnancy until 35 weeks. Pre-eclampsia, strict bedrest, hemorrhaging at delivery followed by continued high blood pressure after birth traumatized my husband. I could have died at delivery and he’s not trying to chance that on another baby. Our son is wonderful but 1-3yo was really hard for us. We don’t have much help at all from family and our son has multiple severe food allergies. We are both on high alert basically any time we’re outside the house to keep him from having an allergic reaction.

Our son is about to turn 6 and we’re starting to travel and he can do some things independently at home so we are happy with our family of 3. My husband had a vasectomy last year, I’m 37 and he’s 38.

 

[erickosh]

@walid373

1. don't have to upgrade our vehicles to something larger
2. don't have to upgrade to a larger house
3. can walk our child to elementary, middle and high school from our house, and will be able to do that because our second kid is in another school (I daydream about these moments)
4. don't have to extend the daycare phase
5. Will be able to fly to see family and friends across the country more often
6. will be able to cultivate their interests, hobbies, and passions by not being so consumed by the daily grind
7. Will be empowered to continue to pursue our own interests sooner after the baby phase and more easily throughout childhood
8. will be easier to find childcare
9. will enter the "adult child" phase earlier.

I have so many more but these are just the top 9 that come to mind

 

[shaneshaune]

@walid373 I did IVF and have one child and 5 remaining embryos. Husband wants to be OAD and refuses to let me transfer any of them. I feel the same way, about how why did I get 6 embryos and only get to have one child? I’ve been struggling lately and I can’t bring myself to destroy them.

 

[yurtal]

@walid373 I was in your shoes. We have a soon to be 3yo(IVF baby) and finally decided to try the one and only frozen embryo last fall (and to our surprise, it stuck just like that so we are due in June). I always wanted 2, my husband always said let’s see after 1… He had his concerns like financial burdens, us stretching thin physically/emotionally with no family who can occasionally babysit as they all live so far, both of us working while our son constantly gets sick from daycare etc. If anything, he wanted to think about the 2nd when our first is 5-6yo. The problem was 1)I am older than him at 38yo and 2)I didn’t want more than 3yr age gap (ideally I wanted 2yr gap). It was a long journey before I convinced him to (at least grudgingly) agree to try for another and here’s what I tried.

1. Talked to him what I wanted firmly and why
2. Listened to his reasons he didn’t want another kid (at least in the timeline that makes sense to me) & checked back every once in a while (sometimes probably too often from his perspective)
3. Constantly threw some comments about the 2nd lol (not sure if it helped but I couldn’t help myself)
4. Joined this sub, tried to convince myself that OAD is something I can agree with (but I personally couldn’t do it).
5. Finally decided to take actions to convince my husband harder. Mostly finance related. The big part was that I got a higher paying job (50% more than what I used to make) which will help with the added cost and maybe occasional babysitter cost while the kids are younger so we can have some breaks here and there.
6. Told my husband that I would take way more time and effort(like 70% or more) for the 2nd one during the first couple years(*he cannot handle well with crying babies too long although he is better with toddlers than me who can somewhat communicate). He knows/said that wouldn’t be realistic as he knows my mental capacity but I guess that at least showed him how much I want another (because I am usually all about making him take at least half of the childcare duty).

My husband also says he doesn’t want to travel nor even go to all inclusive resort (which he loves) with the kids until the younger one is like 5-6, and I am going to convince him we can travel as a family of 4 while the younger one is still a baby too.(A quick research gave me some information on resorts with childcare help and local babysitters etc. so it seems like we have some hopes)

 

[pablo628]

@walid373 My sister (who has two kids) has one more embryo left too. She talked for a while about how she felt like they should go for it, because it's there. But she's in her mid-40s now, and I think the ship has sailed.

You're young enough where you could (probably) safely go for it. But if both parents are not fully on board, you'd be setting yourselves up for strife. There are a million factors to consider, and a million great reasons to be one and done, but the ultimate is whether or not you both want another child in your family. Both parents should weigh all the factors and then decide if they are able to say firmly, "Yes, I want this." If both of you can't get to that yes, then it's a no.

A very incomplete list of things to consider: finances, lifestyle (including travel), living space, potential sibling dynamics, marriage quality, ease of movement through the world, repeating pregnancy/childbirth/newborn stage, level of village support... and so on.

Good luck.

 

[deemarie]

@walid373 I'm a single mother. I will be 40 this year. So it is more circumstances for me rather than feelings.
I would have liked 2 but I'm blessed and lucky I have my only.

 

[ashiedu]

@walid373 I’m in a similar situation to you and having been thinking about this myself…we have an 18 month old son after fertility issues and I have some frozen eggs left. Personally, we have had two “oops” pregnancies in the last few years and one was ectopic and the second was an early miscarriage. Both times I felt sort of relieved because pregnancy, birth and the newborn phase were so hard. Not that it was not special it was, I just don’t know if I want to do it again. My husband wanted a second child and I did not. He is now on the OAD side as well after the two loses in which he saw me in a lot of physical and emotional pain.
I would weigh out all the pros and cons, which is what we are doing, and you have had a successful pregnancy with an embryo so you have a little more time to give it thought, just my feelings. Good luck

 

[katrina2017]

@walid373 About your point of IVF giving you two embryos and you only having 1 child.... my husbands sperm count/ morphology was fine. My ovaries looked fantastic, my hormones levels were good and I was ovulating every month. We had money, a long and loving relationship and big empty house. We were still diagnosed UI. We have one 6 month old son and were OAD. It's ok to be upset about only having one. But that doesn't mean that you HAVE to have another one. I have alot of emotions about alot of things, but I don't always act on those emotions. Sometimes I just feel them, acknowledge them, and move on.

I hope you're able to find peace and satisfaction in whatever you two decide.

 

[citizenpatrick]

@walid373 Honestly there’s several factors but the main one being that I absolutely HATED pregnancy.

I gained 50lbs that I’m just now losing (5 years later), I had crazy high blood pressure my entire pregnancy and had to be induced due to preeclampsia, and pregnancy gave me really bad carpal tunnel syndrome. Pregnancy to me is a fucking nightmare and I’m honestly too selfish to give my body up again, which is also why I’ve started the process of getting my tubes tied.

 

[aeradalia]

@walid373 This forum taught me that it is ok to have feelings about not having a second child, but that it doesn’t mean you have made the wrong decision to be OAD simply because you have feelings about it.

We spent months fence sitting and we were both emotionally exhausted. I sat down and wrote an exhaustive list of every single reason for and against a second. My no list was over twice as long. I haven’t looked back. I am actually happier now than I was before we even considered a second. Because now I feel like I have “been there, done that” in relation to considering a second and I am thrilled because I confidently know I’m good now.

 

[katrina2017]

@walid373 I don’t like kid stuff. I’m at the park right now and it’s annoying.

 

[sikhajain]

@walid373 There's a lot, I never planned on having kids. Then it happened, I have health issues and my son is special needs, no way I would have been able to give him the attention he needed plus another child. I also had no help from his father and felt like a single mother in a long-term relationship. While I know I could have broken up with him and found someone else. I just didn't want to take the risk of ending up in the same situation. So, many reasons. I think I made the best decision for myself and my son.

 

[mollyfarthing]

@walid373 Both my husband and I have ADHD and couldn’t possibly handle the responsibility of another child. Also I hated pregnancy and the baby stage and have made way too many life improvements since that time (physically and mentally). I can’t go back and start over again

 

[ligerheart25]

@walid373 I had a terrible first year with acid reflux, milk allergy, the baby crying all the time, no sleep etc. once she turned 1 things were great. She’s almost 2.5 and irs literally amazing. I love it so much. I’m OAD but my husband really wants another one.

 

[teachermomto3]

@walid373

1. have a wonderful 2 bedroom apt in an amazing location, so we would have to move….
2. Both me and husband are lazy people, husband was zero help in the baby phase and I suspect people don’t change. I did not enjoy the daily grind of the baby phase
3. Already got the gender I really wanted
4. Do not plan on relying on my child for retirement needs
5. We cannot wait to be able to travel again. COVID made it impossible for a while anyways but now travel is an option again
6. I had a pretty easy pregancy, pp sucked but I didn’t get depression thank god, I have my old body back completely and selfishly do not want to risk it again
7. I’m an only myself and I enjoy still to this day the benefit of being the only one with getting all my parents attention and resources. I’m not sure I would have wanted to trade for a sibling if that meant I now would have 300k student debt….
8. I like to not have to worry about budgets and spurge on that vacation hotel upgrade, or firstclass on an overnight flight, the spa, takeout whenever, housekeeper and if I had a second, I would have to give some of these luxuries up.

 

[jemmace]

@walid373 No real support system around. It’s my choice to live far but it made those first few years super hard, especially when he was traveling for work a lot.

 

[monomah16203]

@walid373 My decision for being OAD was due to a traumatizing labour when I had my daughter. She'd be an amazing sister but the thought of labour gives me anxiety

 

[kenprays]

@walid373 For me I was on the fence about even wanting one for a long time. I made the decision to have one and when I had my son I knew that was probably it for me. I have two siblings and grew up basically raising my siblings while my parents started and grew their business. I love my parents but it was very chaotic growing up, both of my parents and both of my siblings have ADHD. Everyone but me. From the time I was 18 I gravitated towards calm. I can tolerate the chaos of one but I have zero desire for more. Also live in one of the most HCOL areas of the country and have a very demanding but rewarding job I have no intention of scaling back on. I make good money and would like to enjoy my life now. Also horrific postpartum anxiety and OCD.