Daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years & it’s like I’m going through a breakup.

[osc_100]

@mirbaki My mom and dad did that with my first boyfriend and I still am not over it despite being very happily engaged

 

[knowledgeisnotignorant]

@mirbaki

my mum did when me and my first long term boyfriend broke up (I was 24) and start messaging him behind your daughters back saying that you will miss him etc

WTF that is some major betrayal. I'm sorry your mother did that to you. It doesn't matter if your ex was Gandhi.

 

[mirbaki]

@knowledgeisnotignorant Oh my ex certainly wasn't Gandhi And this is not even in my mum's top 10 shitty mother moments, but we move!

 

[michaelo]

@sylvie I am sorry. You are going through a loss. Betrayal & loss painful, even if the relationship is not a romantic one. You will go through all the stages of grief, anger, denial, sadness, etc. and finely get to acceptance.

 

[rahulsharma]

@sylvie I would 100% tell her: never ever give up your self respect for a cheater. Take her shopping, or take her out and your makeup and nails done. Usually that always helps too! Be there for there.

 

[aaron13]

@sylvie I'm sorry this happened to your daughter, OP Getting cheated on hurts horribly.

I read that she was considering going on a trip with him as friends. How long has it been since the breakup, and when exactly will they be going? I honestly recommend you trying to convince her otherwise. Going on a trip with someone who cheated on you, and someone the family once considered a son, might make it way harder for your daughter. I don't know what type of a person he is, but if he's moved on by the time they've gone on the trip, certain actions he does might have negative reprecussions on your daughter's mental health.

When I got cheated on and dumped, both my parents helped me by comforting me and making sure I stayed as far away as possible from my ex. While they didn't try controlling how often I texted him, they constantly took it upon themselves to remind me that he didn't deserve my kindness, because that was me "letting him off easy." I wish I listened, but instead I kept in contact with him until he moved on and disrespected me so much until I had enough and cut him out of my life.

Regardless on whether her ex is "mature" or not with how he's handling the breakup, I still would advise that you try your best to convince your daughter to cut him off and focus on healing. She deserves it.

 

[cybermj]

@sylvie I’ve been the daughter in this scenario. And I can tell you that it hurt when my mom urged me to take him back the first time and to forgive his affair partner (she was my best friend) because we had been friends for a long time.
I did it but she kept creeping and I cut her out. And then he cheated again and when mom said “are you sure he cheated” and how he’d always been so good to me. He just made a mistake.
I told her that I am more sure he cheated than I was if she had my back or his and she was my mom and supposed to be in my corner.
After that talk and a day or two when I didn’t want to talk to her either we went out for coffee and she admitted that she was giving him too much credit. His charm never worked on her after that.
She let me make my decisions and she supported them.

 

[watersapphire]

@sylvie This happens, when any long term relationship breaks up, it's not just the couple that breaks up, it's all the secondary relationships too, it's really hard.

 

[twinkyofalla]

@sylvie I had a bf from ages 13 to 21 and I think they ended up liking him more than me in a way because they continually failed to protect me from his abuse. It was the leading factor in going no contact for several years. Whenever we would break up it felt like they just made it about themselves and I really didn't have good figures on my life to turn to. Please keep this in mind when dealing with your daughter. Its her relationship not yours.

 

[sylvie]

@twinkyofalla Thank you for this and I’m sorry this is how you were treated. I absolutely support my daughter and do not want her to go back to him. He has no character. I mourn for her and for what we had as a family with him and how duped I feel, but I want her to know she’s our number one.

 

[mykjoe]

@sylvie You need to focus on protecting your daughter. I don't care what this guy promised, he's a scum bag that betrayed your daughter and broke her trust. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

[shieed1993]

@sylvie If possible, sell the ticket to someone else, then he has to fly with a random stranger.

 

[ptl2010christianblessings]

@sylvie I think it sounds like you all overdid it a bit for “young love” and a very young man who was certain to make mistakes.

It’s not your place to judge him for his behaviors and short comings. You’re acting like he’s a member of your family and he’s not. I hope this puts some distance between you and the next boyfriend.

The most practical thing you can do is encourage your daughter to be tested for STDs and to detangle any assets or expenses they might have together.

I think your daughter needs some room to spread her wings and figure out the kind of person she is. You need a new focus of her adulthood aside from her love life.

 

[limothy60]

@sylvie Just went thru that with my daughter .her boyfriend who she loves dearly did break up with her and she was devastated and my anxiety was thru the roof along with her
Now they made up and now I have resentment that I’m trying to shake of towards him and don’t know how

 

[iamhere]

@sylvie My take is that kid’s shouldn’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school, only after. Stunts your mental and social growth, and may otherwise cause you to not pursue things you’d want to.

Now, having a relationship in college? Fine. But I don’t want to “get to know” anyone my kid would be dating other than exchanging pleasantries, and that’s really about it.

 

[restoringfaithtohumanity]

@sylvie Be thankful you raised such a mature daughter. Support her. The guy sounds like he presented well but was actually a snake.

Edit: eww. I just read that they’re still going on their trip together. That boy wants his cake and to eat it too! I’d pay my daughter whatever the trip cost was to avoid going with him. They’re gonna sleep together. And it’s going to fuck up any progress she’s made since the breakout. BOUNDARIES!

Also - you keep saying she’s an adult BUT she lives in your house. Do you not run your house? Your allowed to have opinions and voice them in your house.

 

[kennywayne99]

@restoringfaithtohumanity

Do you not run your house?

Be careful with this. It is always helpful in life to consider other perspectives. It is not her house, it is their house. Her daughter doesn't have another one and it is childish and harmful to hold that over her head. It will be Op's own house again when the daughter leaves.

 

[drondrik]

@sylvie I feel you. My daughter’s first long term (>1 year) relationship was in highschool. They started seeing each other just before Covid lockdowns began. Our two families did everything together for over a year. They were basically the only other people we saw.

When they broke up (ugly breakup - high school), it was as if my husband and I had been dumped by his parents. It was awful. We keep our distance now, lol.

 

[iamhere]

@drondrik Why would your families do anything together? That’s very weird, getting that involved.

Don’t you have your own friend’s and lives?

 

[ahmed360]

@sylvie Can you get the tickets transferred to another destination, or just get his name off of it? They cannot be friends right now. Eventually? Sure. But they will be over there and things will be “familiar”. Or, he will get her over there and become abusive. And when she says, “he’s not like that!” you can remind her how he wasn’t the kind to cheat and dump her either.