Daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years & it’s like I’m going through a breakup.
- Thread starter sylvie
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lostone971
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@sylvie He his 100% thinking that if she goes she will be willing to sleep with him on the trip and forgive him. He WILL be a total creep during the trip. Maybe not at first, but he will. You should ask him if you can refund him the cost of the trip and get his tickets etc for her sister (or you) to go in his place.
fightingforlife28
New member
@sylvie I will just comment that this is a bad idea. From what you described, he broke up with your daughter after she agreed to stay. Seems like he wants the "upper hand" in the breakup, and who knows what he might attempt to do in that trip...
Clean break and no contact is probably best. last thing you want is them getting back together to complicate things.
Clean break and no contact is probably best. last thing you want is them getting back together to complicate things.
@fightingforlife28 & push for him to pay for daughter’s portion of the trip!
@fightingforlife28 Agreed.
OP, I'd just keep it simple with your daughter: "here is someone who blatantly betrayed your trust, over and over, and lied about it. Cheating is not an accident or a "mistake." It is a series of conscious, deliberate choices. He has proven to you that he can not be trusted. Traveling together requires trust. No one should ever travel with someone who demonstrates such a clear lack of concern for their wellbeing and for their heart."
OP, I'd just keep it simple with your daughter: "here is someone who blatantly betrayed your trust, over and over, and lied about it. Cheating is not an accident or a "mistake." It is a series of conscious, deliberate choices. He has proven to you that he can not be trusted. Traveling together requires trust. No one should ever travel with someone who demonstrates such a clear lack of concern for their wellbeing and for their heart."
knowledgeisnotignorant
New member
@yvennow LOL perfect way to put it. All of us on this sub have been young before and done stupid sh&t like that =P
Can't stop an adult daughter from going, but I'd be loading her up on condoms and birth control and stocking up on ice cream and Kleenex for the inevitable tearfest after she returns and feels icky and used.
And I may or may not try to engineer an unfortunate and sudden accident for the dude two days before the trip.
Can't stop an adult daughter from going, but I'd be loading her up on condoms and birth control and stocking up on ice cream and Kleenex for the inevitable tearfest after she returns and feels icky and used.
And I may or may not try to engineer an unfortunate and sudden accident for the dude two days before the trip.
wrighteer474
New member
@sylvie Ouch this is so tough! Honestly, as a parent, I would have an open discussion with her about the issues you're seeing with her going. About how protecting her heart from this person who betrayed her, lied to her, and manipulated her may be more important than going on the trip, especially if you've offered to pay for the nonrefundable ticket. And then how ultimately, it is up to her to make her decision, and that you will be there for her and love her regardless of the choice she makes.
@wrighteer474 She chose to not go with him and she has blocked all contact with him. She realized that she can’t move on if she tries to stay friends.
wrighteer474
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lemons2lemonade
New member
@sylvie I had a similar situation with a guy around her age. He cheated and then wanted to hang out as friends. I still lived at home. My dad told me he wants a friend with benefit and if I hang out with him I'm disrespecting myself. He also told me in no uncertain terms if I want to hang out or date him again, I can move out. He was not welcome there or around any of us anymore full stop. It felt ridiculous at the time but I'm glad he did that. I never saw him again but he did try to slide into my DMs 8 years later. I was married by then lol nice try.
@lemons2lemonade We did tell her he’s not welcome in our home anymore. That we can’t be around him. I don’t want her to travel with him but can’t out my foot down. I did offer to pay her for her lost expenses that she can’t get refunded if that’s the problem. I won’t tell her to move out, though. I’m letting her be sick for a few days. That might help her think things through better.
lemons2lemonade
New member
@sylvie Should have clarified he would never have actually made me move out 
it was just his way of saying "over his dead body".
I would also explain to her that if she goes as friends he's 100% gonna shoot his shot and it might mean a lot more to her than to him. Just make sure she sees it coming and knows it's just a sleaze bag being a sleaze bag and not his way of professing his undying love to her.
ETA can you get your husband to chat to her about boys and their .. nature?
Coz I can assure you he will 100% shoot his shot, no doubt about it.
it was just his way of saying "over his dead body".I would also explain to her that if she goes as friends he's 100% gonna shoot his shot and it might mean a lot more to her than to him. Just make sure she sees it coming and knows it's just a sleaze bag being a sleaze bag and not his way of professing his undying love to her.
ETA can you get your husband to chat to her about boys and their .. nature?
Coz I can assure you he will 100% shoot his shot, no doubt about it.
@lemons2lemonade I mean , not EVERY guy is the same, for instance, I've been friends with my ex for like 8 years now, but I'm not trying to get into her pants and we're still close and talk
lemons2lemonade
New member
expertsview
New member
@sylvie Your house, your rules. But as her mom it may be worth looking into some of the infidelity literature to understand how to best support her. He hurt her and screw that guy! But treating him like a leper could backfire. Build her up rather than tear him down. I know you said you’re trying not to smear him, but not allowing him in your home indefinitely isn’t better
@sylvie Just PLEASE, whatever you do, don't do what my mum did when me and my first long term boyfriend broke up (I was 24) and start messaging him behind your daughters back saying that you will miss him etc. He will have his own sources of support during this time and you should not be one of them. Whatever you are feeling right now in terms of grief and loss, your daughter will be feeling that 10 times over and she will need to feel that you are completely in her corner and the last thing she will want to hear about is how the break up has affected you.