Daughter broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years & it’s like I’m going through a breakup.

@sylvie You’re way too invested in this and it makes it harder for your daughter whether you see it or not. This should be 1000% about her and her own self respect. You should never get this excited about a young relationship thinking they’ll be together forever. This stuff happens a lot. It hurts. It’s part of life learning to cut loose and move on. The amount of anger and disappointment you’re expressing is more harmful than helpful.
 
@seangibbons That’s why I’m here. To her face it’s all about her but I needed a space for me as well. Her siblings have also circled the wagons and all of her friends, so she’s getting a lot of support.
 
@sylvie The level of manipulation some people are capable of can surpass anyone's expectations. That manipulation clearly extended to you and your family. As soon as you found out he cheated, you should've supported your daughter's decision. The good news is that she seems to be stronger than you and will recover. Apologize to her, then comfort her. She was in much deeper than you, possibly planning a marriage and children. But now she feels alone. Remind her that she isn't. Remove any traces of him that you added to your home.
 
@sylvie Did you notice something peculiar about his character when they were together before he went away and cheated?

My father met once a bf of mine, just two short times - and he was able to point out one of that guy's greatest flaws and why he wouldn't be good for a relationship and partner.

I was seriously very impressed and of course I had noticed it as well (although after quite some time), I knew my father was right and spoke the truth.
 
@angelh0809 My husband always did. He said it didn’t seem like he loved her and was just using her because he doesn’t want to be alone. Because they stayed together so long, after a couple years, we started to accept him and be part of the family, but my husband always said something wasn’t right. I was like “maybe he’s just seems that way around us because he’s not comfortable displaying affection in front of the parents.”
 
@sylvie Aww, he is a good dad :)! Her dad also saw him clearly and exposed him.

Imo she'll avoid being with someone unloving in a relationship again. That lesson now has been bitter, but her future is brighter now with less serious errors to make.

I read, they plan to go on a trip as friends... ugh, not a good idea. She'll probably get hurt some more. But when she'll have enough and start to see, then it will be finally over with him.
 
@sylvie There can be a lot more to it than just "not wanting to be alone".

New relationships cause a huge surge in dopamine production.

For anyone who has issues with dopamine regulation (like ADHD, etc.), they're apt to discover early that they "just feel better" when they're dating someone. Even if they don't fully realize, they can wind up using relationships as a form of self-medication.

Where it gets ugly is that those levels of dopamine production from the relationship drop off a little after 2-4 months, and then a lot around the 2-4 year mark.

That's hard enough to deal with if you know that it's coming, but a lot of people have no idea and assume that their relationship is terribly broken and their world is falling apart when they start to return to their body's normal baseline levels of dopamine.

Hitting that wall can lead to people making poor decisions like cheating or abandoning stable relationships to chase after something "more exciting".
 
@sylvie I will say this as a person who has been in your daughter's shoes.

When she's ready drop little affirmations. She is too valuable. Her time is valuable. Her life is valuable. She should be choosy about who she places into her life.

While life is LONG youth is very finite. Best not to waste it. Best to not dig in your heels with a person who doesn't care as much as they should.
 
@sylvie I think you are doing a great job. As a parent we also go through a grieving process when our kids hurt. It seems you know and are committed to not let him in anymore. I hope your daughter feels the same. Once a cheater… not always a cheater but the risk is higher and let’s not forget the constant trust issues she will have. It’s better to rip the band aid and move on. Of course all you can do is support and love her. She will end up making the decision. I think during this time do things you would do for your younger self if you were cheated on. Take your daughter on a date, bring her flowers, remind her how wonderful she is and build her confidence back so when this guy come around she won’t need to go back. If her father is in the picture and is game for this plan then have him also be part of this. It really works
 
@sylvie Wow mom that is really terrible!! It’s tough because it’s so out of your control. What a jerk to cheat on your daughter, then beg her to stay then dump her…he sounds like a psycho. Are you feeling like his whole personality was fake? It would really feel like a slap in the face for me I think.
 
@sylvie My son is going through a very rough very messy breakup ( her dad is the messy one) and I am angry! She mooched off of him for 2 YEARS. I am always here for my boys and I will stand up for them no matter how old they are
 
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