Coparent’s new GF is vulgar

[jham123]

My coparent let me know he’s been dating a girl for 8 months, because he wants it to go smooth for our son. Our son is 4. I asked for her name to do a background check (he is naive and I don’t trust his judgement). I found 5 criminal charges I didn’t like (nothing violent) and I checked her out on social media. She has lots of pictures of her self with extremely vulgar hashtags, throwing the middle finger in her pictures, captions like “I don’t give a **** what anyone thinks of me” etc. and seems to be proud she’s the “disappointment of her family”. What’s your opinion on this? She has not met my son yet and I made it clear I want to meet her before she’s around my son. Can anyone make me feel better about this? Suggestions?

 

[gnastynate]

@jham123 Unfortunately you don’t get to control this.

 

[jham123]

@gnastynate I know. I’m asking for opinions and suggestions.

 

[dm8]

@jham123 Your kid isn't on social media (or shouldn't be) so what she does with her online presence is irrelevant. Not to mention, the image people share online isn't always 100% accurate.

 

[katrina2017]

@jham123 Now that you are divorced (not pre-filing, not separated) and he waited a very reasonable amount of time to make sure his relationship might be serious, mind your own business. He did you a courtesy to tell you.

 

[jham123]

@katrina2017 Yes of course. I completely understand what you are saying. I am just concerned with my 4 year old. He’s my very precious son.

 

[dmast]

@jham123 Your ex’s precious son too right?

 

[jham123]

@dmast Yes that is correct.

 

[katrina2017]

@jham123 Who you now share with someone that the courts have ordered gets 50/50 custody of.

About only thing you could do is if you have a really good relationship with your ex, is to ask to sit down for coffee or dinner with both of them before being introduced to the kids.

 

[jham123]

@katrina2017 Yes I totally agree. I did ask for that and she does not want to meet me.

 

[katrina2017]

@jham123 Then pray, meditate, out positive thoughts to universe. Redouble your efforts to provide the best life you can for your son.

As Bilbo Baggins used to say "it's a dangerous business stepping out your front door" you can't protect him from everything.

 

[guitarguy8424]

@jham123 Hot take here. This is a controlling and manipulation tactic. Unless you are doing a background check on everybody he introduces to your child, you are using this as a position of power. Power that you don't hold.

If you are asking if your feelings are normal, then yes.

If you are asking if your actions are normal, then no.

 

[hallbee66]

@guitarguy8424 It's totally normal to look up the criminal history of people your coparent brings around.

 

[laidback]

@hallbee66 I don’t know one single person who has ever done this. I’ve been an active single parent for nearly 17 years.

 

[hallbee66]

@laidback Every single person I know who shares kids with someone else has done a criminal history search on new partners. I know way too many people with surprising criminal histories and I just want to know if there are any sex offenses or recent drug history. And as I said in a different comment, my former husband's first wife brought up my DUI in their court proceedings and they placed an injunction against me driving my former stepkids. I wasn't even present for that so it apparently matters in court too

 

[laidback]

@hallbee66 Mmhnm. Sure they do.

 

[unworthy1p315]

@laidback I even do background checks on my siblings' partners they bring around my child or even just their children (my niece and nephew). You can never be too careful. Obviously, not everyone does this, like you, but it seems prudent to make sure no sex offenders or other issues are around.

 

[hallbee66]

@laidback I mean I kind of think it's weird that you don't care about that kind of thing but to each their own

 

[laidback]

@hallbee66 I think it’s weird you make assumptions. Frankly I don’t need to background check my ex’s partners as there is no good that will come of that. It’s overbearing and completely over the top. I can honestly see why she doesn’t want anything to do with the OP.

 

[hallbee66]

@laidback I'm not making assumptions. I care to know so I look, sounds like you dont care to look and thats fine. But its not uncommon to look people up nowadays. I also have an untrustworthy and immature coparent so I never know who he brings around. I would prefer to know. I also don't care about small criminal offenses. I care that my coparents dad is a registered sex offender and comes to pick the partner up while my kid is there. That's a thing that needs to be addressed and boundaried.