Anyone One and done due to being the older sibling?

[marybelshe]

Is anyone one and done because they were the older sibling in their family. I’m the oldest of 5. I was never the favorite child. My younger siblings got away with everything while I was expected to “set a good example”. I always had more chores and responsibility because your X age now. But somehow the younger ones didn’t get the same responsibility when they reached X age. They just got an extended childhood, while I got an early adulthood. I’m one and done in part because I don’t want my child to go through this. While I hope I’d do better as a parent I still don’t want them to have to grow up as the older sibling. Because I hated it so much.

 

[akadouble]

@marybelshe Not my reasoning for it but sometimes I do feel happy thinking that my child will never been seen in a negative light of an older sibling being compared to a younger “cuter” sibling. If that makes sense. Many times I think older siblings are misunderstood in the context of being the older sibling.

 

[marybelshe]

@akadouble I think they just always get seen as the baby. No matter how old they get.

 

[mandyde5]

@akadouble Why are younger ones always cuter though? Seen it among all my cousins.

 

[mrskyfish]

@mandyde5 Might be because the adults have fresher memories of their babyhood?

 

[ihazsumquestions]

@mandyde5 They will forever be the baby of the family

 

[frknfly]

@marybelshe I’m second oldest of five and I feel this deeply. I was parentified from a suuuper young age and looking back, I realize so many of my needs were not taken care of. And like you, I was also always expected to be the role model. My sister could completely deface my clothing (she cut up my shirts and drew on my favorite jeans with sharpie) and I would be blamed for having a reaction to it.

Having just one child makes me so happy knowing that I’ll be able to give my son everything he needs and more. I’m excited to be able to meet his needs and help him grow into a functional adult someday. Because I’ll have the patience and bandwidth to give him what he deserves, and what I deserved but didn’t get.

 

[carltinmar]

@frknfly I replied to the top comment w/my own similar but not as bad experience as the oldest sister.

This is EXACTLY WHY I want to be a parent. I totally get it. But, I’ve got just enough health problems that I’m reluctant to engage even deeper with our fucked up/sexist healthcare system from a place of even greater vulnerability and then raise a kid in the USA. Probably still gonna do it, but as a kid I wanted multiple and I think in an ideal world I would have two, but in this one my husband and I are leaning CF or (a bit more) OAD. I don’t hang out in the CF sub anymore tho lol.

 

[marybelshe]

@carltinmar I leant heavily Child Free for a lot of my adult life, before we decided to have a child. I also found the “sub culture” around the CF to be surprisingly toxic. Like, I don’t want kids but I don’t hate their experience or find their presence offensive. Heck fun aunt life was where it was at for me back then. Hopefully it turns into fun mom life now. It’s already turned into older cousins adoring my LO. So full circle I guess.

 

[carltinmar]

@marybelshe I have a whole soapbox about how children are one of the most vulnerable and marginalized people groups and we need to stop thinking about it in terms of “parents’ rights” cause those are pretty well enshrined and it’s mostly a dog whistle now, and get a bill of rights for children on the books and take more seriously medical neglect, homeschooling (my mom was one of the few in our subculture actually educating her children in a well rounded way & sending us to school when we surpassed the grade level she was confident about getting us through) & the right to a certain standard of education in general, social programs to ease the burden on mothers, etc. It’s why I was so careful to have a child friendly wedding, to the point of making flower child an optional role day of for the kids whose parents we explicitly asked in case the toddler was having a hard day, and open for any children in attendance who wanted to join the processional with a basket. My two favorite teens carried a baby and the other had a basket and helped the youngest toddler. Because kids are humans who are part of society and deserve to be protected and accommodated, dammit!

 

[katrina2017]

@carltinmar You're a beautiful human being, reading this made my heart very happy, thank you loads for sharing. Love this so much ❣

 

[carrie999]

@marybelshe I'm the third of four and my parents were done parenting around the time I was 11, like they just stopped taking me to the dentist or the doctor, I had to get a job and buy my own clothes, got left home alone a lot, I would walk to my grandmas house for dinner a lot. One week the only thing to eat in the house was a block of cheese and a jar of pickles I had bought the week before.

My parents sucked.

 

[marybelshe]

@carrie999 Wow. I am so sorry you experienced that. It’s awful

 

[seymour2]

@marybelshe I only have one brother, but I am 99% certain that I am OAD. I am not close to my brother, so it certainly isn’t helping the situation, but my choice to be OAD largely stems from my experience being the female child of a parent with a chronic condition and now having that same chronic condition myself, wanting to maintain a career for my own mental health and independence, and having a very rough pregnancy/postpartum period. I always thought I would have two kids but having one absolutely perfect child makes me so less inclined to do it again!

 

[hendrix1265]

@marybelshe Nope, my partner & I were both the youngest & were utterly tormented by our older siblings. We’re saving an imaginary younger child from being traumatised by our actual child

 

[marybelshe]

@hendrix1265 That’s fair. Every family dynamic is different. I would not want that for my child either.

 

[soviabef]

@marybelshe I’m the oldest and while I didn’t have to raise my younger brothers as a child like so many older girls have to do, there was always pressure to be the trailblazer and be the best. And as I got older, my youngest brother was diagnosed with a severe mental illness and I spent so much time and energy helping my mom and step-father manage his condition. It has been rough and I fully expect to be taking care of him for the rest of his life. I get that no one knows the future, but I would hate for my daughter to be saddled with caring for a sibling for her whole life.

 

[shauns16134]

@marybelshe Now that you mention it, yes! I am the oldest and my POS mother left me (5yo at the time) in charge of my brother 3, and sister less than 1. I raised them until I was 13. And still I was somehow roped into looking after my sister’s 2 kids aside from my only.

 

[marybelshe]

@shauns16134 Don’t be afraid to say no. I often watch my siblings kids too. I don’t mind of love them and she often reciprocates. But sometimes you have to say no so you don’t get taken advantage of.

 

[andyron]

@marybelshe Yep. I'm the eldest of 5, I don't think I was parentified but I always felt I was held to higher standards (and failed) and my younger siblings got away with far more. I just think 5 is way too many, I feel neglected tbh. I've just been left to get on with my life and it sucks, I'm not close to my parents. I want different for my daughter, she is the light of my life and it hurts my heart to think of not being close to her or not speaking to her for months on end.