One and done or try for 2nd… Let fate decide? Anyone tried this approach?

[greenbiscuit]

@tiramisu In the exact same boat as you, same ages etc. I have decided that my heart will always want a second child, and my head is saying no. There are moments where I really think that it is best that we don’t have a second, and yet I keep crying with each months negative test!

 

[paul24]

@tiramisu We decided to leave it up to fate for pretty much all the same reasons. Husband was more comfortable being one and done. I wasn’t ready to close the door on having a second. But I also didn’t feel certain either way. We agreed to try for six months and if it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen. I got pregnant within a month of stopping birth control literally the first time it would have been possible for me to get pregnant.

Neither of us were expecting that to happen at all. It was such a huge shock and then I started panicking wondering if we had made a horrible mistake. I couldn’t sleep for two weeks and had a really hard time accepting that I was pregnant (had a horrible first pregnancy and thought about being OAD because I hated it so much). By then my husband had come around and was excited to have a second. After spending several weeks spiraling, I decided I did want this and my outlook changed.

Now that baby brother is here (nine months old), I love him so much and can’t imagine we didn’t have him. It’s hard for me to even remember life with just our daughter. I love him more than I could have comprehended which is what so many posts on here assured me of.

Transitioning from one to two was actually pretty easy for us and it was way less hard than I feared. The only problem we are dealing with is the finances. We have enough money and are fine, but two kids in daycare is rough! I am looking into changing jobs so I will have more disposable income instead of just barely making it. Once we only have one in daycare or none we will feel rich hah.

I like your approach, because I did it myself, but just want to warn about what might happen in case you’re just as shocked as I was.

 

[barry239]

@tiramisu I had a really hard time deciding for myself as well, to the point that it caused a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m in my mid 30s and husband late 30s so I felt like we had to hurry up and decide. What helped me make the decision to stay OND (in addition to an antidepressant lol) was realizing that 1 kid gave me the experience of motherhood without it becoming my whole identity.
I love hanging with my toddler and I can’t imagine start over again. Making up your mind will bring a lot of relief, so best of luck

 

[calpastor]

@tiramisu Omg yes. Should we start a sub! Because I thought I wrote this! We’re letting fate decide for the next few months. I figure I’ll know how I feel deep down by then and we can either decide to keep trying or stop.

We both agree that if we do get pregnant we’ll be excited, it’s just the getting to that point that has been a never ending source of back and forth.

 

[katrina2017]

@tiramisu Absolutely identical situation. Private school alone is seriously expensive, but the flexibility of OAD is very attractive.. I have so many goals and things on the checklist I am not really interested in starting again.

 

[cnnwahiri]

@tiramisu This is my path.. i can't make up my mind either way.

 

[mickey777]

@tiramisu No advice just solidarity. There are so many good reasons to stick with one (resources and quality of life) but I love my baby and our family and everything about being a parent and will need to go through a grieving process if this is the last/only time I’ll have a baby.

 

[hugobozs]

@tiramisu God, I feel this so much. It’s really greatly compounded by the fact that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, and it’s been a theme (obsession) I’ve really struggled with for well over 6 months now. My husband and I had our first and very very wanted son about a year before COVID hit. I absolutely LOVED being pregnant and couldn’t wait to have another. By the time my husband was ready to try again, COVID happened and we decided to postpone. With my anxiety disorder, I couldn’t have imagined being pregnant and having a baby while also being deathly terrified of diseases and pandemics. Then, I had a major health scare that made think I’d never be able to have more children (long story short was a false alarm) and then I got fixated on the idea that having kids is all too difficult anyway, that I’m too old, etc. because my sons toddler years have definitely been very challenging.

Anyway, I’m right where you and so many of us are except that I’m probably the oldest person here (39). I’m ready to start trying overall but still have little doubts that creep up here and there. My age is the biggest issue. If I was younger, I’d give it more time but I know time is definitely not on my side. Anyway, not much advice to share except that I really do feel your pain!

 

[gonick]

@hugobozs I know this is an old post but wanted to follow up to see how you are doing and what you decided? I have OCD as well and it is really making the anxiety high around this decision. And OCD makes the doubts continue even after a decision is made so it’s so hard. Hope you are doing well!

 

[qbanmom7070]

@tiramisu It might help to ask yourself, if a doctor told you sorry but you'll never be able to have another-what would be your immediate reaction?

What do you want your family to look like 20 years from now? Do you imagine being a grandparent? But what if your only kid never gets married or never has kids. What is your response knowing that that is not in your control?

Also, I love your comment that you are happiest being a mom. It's so refreshing and inspiring to hear that being a mom is joyful instead of a burden.

 

[squad51engine51]

@tiramisu Thankyou for posting this! My hubby and I are currently leaving it up to fate and now after reading your post and the comments I don't feel so crazy being worried about it all.

 

[truththroughgod]

@tiramisu My LO will soon rmbe one year old and in still consumed thinking if I really want a second or not. I always imagined myself with two kids, no more than that. But at the same time I don't know if I should? I'm in my middle 30s so I feel pressed to decide soon because I don't want to have a kid at 40. No offense to anyone who had a baby at that age is mostly my body wouldn't be able to sustain a pregnancy in a healthy way for me and the baby. Also it took us two years to have our baby and we were about to start ivf when I found out I was pregnant. I wonder if my body can actually get pregnant again and if not how will I feel about it.

My husband is leaning more to one and done and some days me too but then whenever I put some of my LO clothes back to store it, my heart breaks a little and I want so bad to have another. Right now, we're not using any type of precaution and leaving it to if it happens it happens. Husband is on board with that too.

I adore my LO and I don't want to take away my attention from him. They are such a sweet little baby, would I be as a good mom if my attention is split between two children?

I honestly don't know. Last time I had my period it was so short I honestly thought I was pregnant and I was a bit anxious. Did a test and was a bit relieved not because I don't want a baby but because I think it's too soon and yet I need to decide soon. Man, it's a complicated situation.