Am I being too kind to my ex-wife?

[fundisi]

My ex-wife filed for divorce a year and a half ago. Neither of us cheated or did anything wrong, but our relationship wasn't working. We share 50/50 custody of our 5 year old son. Until now, I have always bragged about how well both of us have handled the divorce and custody issues.

Last week my ex-wife called me from jail. She had been pulled over for a 0.15 BAC DUI while our son was in the car. She also hit a parked car.

Of course I now need to take some steps to protect our son, but I also do not want him to grow up without a mom. I have proposed the following to her; she is still mulling it over. I am trying to figure out whether I am being too nice (or, alternatively, I'd be curious to hear if people think I'm being cruel.)

I have proposed that I get 100% physical and legal custody of our son. However, she will have visitation on the same schedule that she used to have physical custody. Therefore, it would still effectively be a 50/50 split of time with our son.

Visitation will be conditioned on her having an alcohol interlock device on her car, going to a 12-step program, going to a therapist, and signing up for a random drug and alcohol testing program. If she fails the test or violates the agreement, she loses visitation.

Am I being too nice? Am I being cruel? Is there anything else anyone would suggest adding to the conditions?

Thank you.

 

[frane81]

@fundisi Sounds entirely reasonable, especially with that high of a bac and the kiddo in the car.

 

[lbauman]

@fundisi Is she an alcoholic? Bc she needs to want do all those things willingly on her own. You really can’t force things on addicts.

No I don’t think it’s cruel. And she should understand and be grateful that you are able to step and take care of your kid while she gets healthy and her affairs in order.

I have experienced this. My ex was an active heroin addict and there’s a lot I want to unsee. Boundaries are good. But you have to stay consistent.

 

[fundisi]

@lbauman She's the type of alcoholic who binges periodically and has out of control episodes rather than drinking every day, but yes. I'm so sorry that you went through what was clearly worse.

 

[lbauman]

@fundisi Still an addict of some sort. I would definitely ask for tests of some sort and not leave your child alone with her while in that state until she gets sober. Dealing with an addict is a lot of things. But through my experience you can force AA or rehab and all those things but they will only do it to appease the situation. They truly have to want to do it for themselves

 

[katrina2017]

@fundisi Speaking solely from my own experiences and what I’ve seen happen to others, phrases like: “I’m not like other alcoholics” “I don’t drink every day all day” “Im not out of control” should all be followed by the word “yet”. It’s a slippery slope and left unchecked it’s not a matter of if but when.

 

[lbauman]

@katrina2017 This is so true. She’s just a “functioning addict”

 

[shekinah33]

@katrina2017 Aa is full of generalizationS for a group which has an over the top failure rate- not to mention sex offenders are sent there and use it to meet women and get to their kids a documentary finally came out about this

 

[katrina2017]

@shekinah33 I mean it’s a decentralized program so not sure how what anything you said made any sense. I never even mentioned AA and was just speaking from experience, as I said already

 

[shekinah33]

@katrina2017 And I too am speaking from experience - they call it decentralized however it is a half truth if you don’t believe me watch the documentary it’s on tubi and probably a bunch of other networks it s called the thirteenth step they made it after a girl got murdered by a guy she met at a meeting - if you don’t believe me watch it and when I say on top I am speaking about call centers and the like in nyc yes it s supposed to not be centralized and a lot of other things I personally found it reminded me of a cult and I was brainwashed as A kid by one so I am pretty knowledgeable on that if it helps u great I just found it takes a one size fits all approach and it is my experience that extra small and extra large require different size underwear metaphorically speaking I might add they are discussing level 3 sex offenders the court doesn’t know what to do w being sent to meetings on the d l for their “treatment” not some sleepy older guy trying to date a less experienced female

 

[katrina2017]

@shekinah33 Maybe learn how to structure a sentence before you go on speaking about things you know little about.

 

[shekinah33]

@katrina2017 Sorry the truth hurts!

 

[shekinah33]

Shouldn’t my higher power punctuate my sentences for me if I believe? Oh wait mg higher power told me that he stppped going to that crap a long time ago, and I should too since I had a higher power long before I did drugs it doesn’t seem to be the problem. Sometimes I say my higher power is Satan, just to irritate people.

 

[katrina2017]

@lbauman Is random alcohol testing a thing?

 

[fundisi]

@katrina2017 Yes. There's even a phone app with an attachment nowadays.

 

[katrina2017]

@fundisi Yea but isn’t that a breathalyzer device? Such as soberlink or one that’s in your car. That’s not done at random it’s either done daily or unless you’re going to drive.

 

[fundisi]

@katrina2017 There's others as well. The one I'm pushing for has her do a monitored swab test via video conference 3 random times per month. She has to FedEx the swab back to the center after they watch her put it in a sealed container that breaks if you tamper with it after closing. They are what some courts in my state use.

 

[chosenforyou]

@fundisi The rulings I've seen have been either continuous monitoring (SCRAM bracelet) or pre access sample with video or picture enabled devices.

 

[shekinah33]

@fundisi Be careful courts are not your friend in my area the chemists testing our urine went to jail for just not testing it and writing whatever in terms of dirty or clean - the state is better at locking people up and making a problem into a criminal so I would try to do additional testing privately not through the court and make sure it goes to a. Lab expired quick cups can give false positive and negatives

 

[bobw]

@fundisi Please consider filing an emergency petition with family court. Do not wait. It IS in the best interest of your son. There are specific statutes for this situation. If you are already concerned about being lenient, cruel or her failing to comply, let the courts manage this. Their purpose is to ensure the safety of your child and enforce it. Thank god your son was not injured!