Am I being too kind to my ex-wife?

[fundisi]

@chrissy777 She's had issues before, including being forced into rehab once. If she's not okay with the solution, we will let the court decide.

 

[chrissy777]

@fundisi Was that before or after the kid? If she has taken steps to change after she has given birth and has had an occasional lapse, that speaks differently than if she is actively having issues trying to control her alcohol intake.

 

[katrina2017]

@chrissy777 You need to stop with nonsense advice, you clearly don't know what you're talking about.

 

[chrissy777]

@katrina2017 So, "get the courts involved" is nonsense advice? Ok. So don't get the courts involved. /s

 

[katrina2017]

@fundisi Do not listen to this person. A DUI with that high of a BAC, which is an extreme DUI actually, with your child in the car, is absolutely dangerous and a sign of how irresponsible your ex is. Your lucky she got arrested and your child is safe. I think your demands are reasonable and justified. You have to protect your child.

 

[saddletramp]

@chrissy777 agree on the patterns, fairness, etc. Disagree with getting courts involved but that's just me. It may be perfectly appropriate for this family.

 

[debad]

@fundisi It's understandable that you want to protect your son and ensure that your ex-wife receives the help she needs to address her alcohol use. Your proposed conditions for visitation seem reasonable and appropriate given the situation.

It's important to remember that your ex-wife's behavior could have had serious consequences for your son's safety, and it's reasonable to take measures to ensure that he is not put in harm's way again. However, it's also important to consider the potential impact on your ex-wife and her relationship with your son.

It may be helpful to seek the guidance of a family therapist or counselor who can help you navigate this situation and provide support for both you and your ex-wife. They may also be able to provide additional suggestions for conditions or requirements that could be helpful for ensuring your son's safety while also supporting your ex-wife's recovery.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what is best for your son and your family. It's important to consider all factors and make a decision that prioritizes his well-being while also taking into account your ex-wife's needs and ability to be a part of his life.

 

[grimlock]

@fundisi Will her license be taken from her? Does she live close to you?

 

[grimlock]

What I’m thinking is if her license is taken off her and if you live close to her you arrange it so she still has off weekends with him BUT you pick him up and drop him off and you’re to be advised of any driving. Perhaps even requesting her to share her phone location with you. During weekends you can share custody by having supervised visitations. So that way the baby is still getting quality mum time but you’ve put restrictions in place to protect your son. THEN get prior agreement that states if this happens again only supervised visitations will be allowed. And your other conditions. That way if it goes to court you can say you tried to be flexible. Just an idea.

 

[advancedatom]

@fundisi It seems a lot. Her Bac reading was quite high. I wouldn’t make her sign over anything. Just say for now I would like custody. Please get help and yes I think testing is perfectly acceptable…Does she need the 12 step program tho? Or was it just extremely poor judgement on this occasion? I wouldn’t restrict visitation at all. Even if she does fail her tests. But then I might ask for legal custody…Those visitations tho should be under certain terms tho ofc.I think you’re going too far. Yes the consequences of her actions could’ve been devastating, fatal even. Maybe some family counselling over this issue might be appropriate. I wouldn’t describe it as cruel just overkill.

Edit: just read further and saw she’s been in rehab before, ok I take most of the above back. Try to be supportive tho, ofc not to the detriment of yr son but sometimes I think lack of contact can make addicts worse. I realise that’s not yr fault but just consider it at least.

 

[zayin]

@fundisi How is your son doing? Have you talked to him about the incident?

 

[katrina2017]

@fundisi Sounds extreme. I’m an ex addict. 12 steps didn’t do shit for me. I got years clean. Have a conversation and see where they at. Adapt.

 

[guje]

@fundisi We need a lot more info. History of either parents unsafe behavior.
If she's regularly unsafe with child, I can see full custody but if this is her first real disaster, no, that's a power play.
I feel like you want to punish her, using the child as a pawn.

Look inside yourself as to what's really behind the need for control. Yes, the child's safety comes first.

 

[fundisi]

@guje The reason I'm pushing for this is so that if there is a next incident, we don't have to start from scratch. I've also told her I'm very open to putting something in that shows that if she remains in compliance for a period of time she can petition for half custody back.

 

[iwanto]

@fundisi That’s why you def need professional advice. This is beyond any average person’s ability to give reasonable advice, also us of which many have experience on such matters.

 

[brandyorrange]

@guje So…they should wait until it’s a more serious car crash?

 

[bobw]

@brandyorrange Absolutely not. It is serious that this incident involved the child in the vehicle and warrants family court interference. It is literally what courts are designed for and why there are state statutes to manage these situations.

 

[saywhat1]

@fundisi I am mixed on what you are asking for as it almost seems you are kicking her while she is down. And I speak from experience as my ex had a much higher BAC flipped his car, went through a fence into a residential back yard, hit a tree and tried to leave the scene. Because he sought help on a “one time” mistake (we were married for 15 years and it was fairly common for him) and was able to get into a diversion program my lawyer told me the courts would give him grace. Didn’t love my kids driving around with their dad and an interlock device but it is what it is.

Be thankful your child was not seriously injured. Proceed lightly on this but taking away “legal” custody seems like a power play. If your ex has a good attorney you will have a lot less say in the situation than you think.

However if she does not seek adequate treatment I think you would have every right to change your custody.

 

[shekinah33]

@fundisi She will be on probation and probably getting urine screened as well as not be allowed to drive for a year unless maybe they grant her a Cinderella license but if she couldn’t afford bail I doubt she can afford the Cinderella license- anyway did u ask your son how he feels, I think maybe for now that is reasonable but if she does well in the future and hasn’t made your life a living hell if your child feels safe I wouldn’t take full custody for ever- also don’t believe all the bs about as I gave up drugs and alcohol but they are a cult I grew up w my aunt and uncle in one and they baby say and brain washed me there is. Documentary about how courts secretly send sex offenders there and hide it from The public putting the women at risk who go there- if it helps her great but there are other treatments like meds and Therapy I find more helpful to each his own but a a and na believe they are the only way which I believe is a red flag- in other developed nations they focus more on medical treatments available and dialectical behavioral therapy and they have a much higher success rate- a a and n a have a success rate that is something pathetic I want to say 12 percent or less- but it’s free so insurance companies love it in addition to the fact that they consider any failure to be on the patient and the program takes no responsibility. I guess what I am saying is yes that is pretty bad but fortunately no one was hurt and hopefully she will learn her lesson I would talk to her about what happened and find out if u can reach an agreement together- maybe you won’t need to take it to court if you have a good relationship but I can understand doing so - it just sucks when you feel at your lowest and then you have to explain to your kids why your not around sometimes it gets taken to far - I did not do anything w my child present , or put anyone at risk but myself , but the time I spent away from her I will never be the same again - it will eat at me until the day I die.

 

[shekinah33]

@fundisi Sounds reasonable minus a a also I don’t Think you can just get an interlock device though I’m not against it- I think the courts have to order it and u have to have more than one D w I though it could vary from state to state I have heard those things are finicky though and if you cough when your breathing into them your car shuts down and has to be towed at your expense in addition. To Having it recalibrated at your expense if they weren’t used to scam people financially I wouldn’t be against more of them being used but the state does things to make money, also I’d go for counseling not aa I just think aa and na have no oversight and they are a very sketchy organization, unfortunately most drug and alcohol rehab and counseling certif don’t require much education try to find someone educated and is she an alcoholic or was this a freak thing ?