Am I being too kind to my ex-wife?

[prayertable]

@fundisi I think it’s reasonably. A little on the nice side. My ex is an alcoholic and has wrecked 2 cars in 6 months, thankfully not with the kid. I often worry about him when he’s there and she is passed out drunk and often wonder what I would do in that situation. Best of luck.

 

[james100]

@fundisi If her visitation would still be like 50/50 then what’s the difference? I’d ask to see a judge and let them decide what to do about this if you’re worried. That way it’s out of your hands and you aren’t the bad guy.

 

[eyesup1987]

@fundisi You need to worry about your kids safety first and foremost. Before making any kind of arrangements I'd request she see a counselor and probably get some kind of help with the alcohol. Having her in his life like this is a lot worse than not having her around. Sorry you are having to go through this and hope you can find an easy path through this journey!!

 

[saddletramp]

@eyesup1987

 

[gazali]

@fundisi You can never be too nice in this world and I think your being an awesome caring person but keep in mind you could have lost your son tragically or she could have killed someone else ?? Just monitor everything and leave nothing to chance as she needs to prove she is competent each and everytime she has your child

 

[jennr]

@fundisi I think this is appropriate and as you said you are very open to adding a stipulation saying if she complied then she can petition for half custody back. If she truly cares for her child she will agree to this as it is in their best interest. You can be set very firm boundaries while still being kind and supportive of her getting help.

 

[nnleefay]

@fundisi Sounds perfectly reasonable

 

[jescobed]

@fundisi Sounds very reasonable to me.

 

[mariliza]

@fundisi I don't think that's unreasonable. Drinking and driving a child around is terrible. Is she an alcoholic? Or was this an unusual mistake? I think the device in the car should definitely happen. Think of this. If someone ( the police or a neighbor) calls cps then they will come to you asking if you knew and what steps you took to ensure the safety of your child. If there are no steps then they will consider you negligent. What ever keeps your child safe is the best option and cover your butt along the way to ensure that if her behavior gets cps involved then you will not be found at fault in any way.

 

[saddletramp]

@fundisi Potentially cruel imo depending on what she's already going to have to face and her own attitude/remorse/steps she's taking towards change & self improvement. If you've ever dealt with the justice system no matter how guilty or not guilty you were and had things to complete or an interlock requirement I think you'd know how much that already feels like your life is literally going down the drain. It's a dangerously dark spiral for many & if you want her around for your kid it's worth considering if this is really for the best (especially if you're keeping the same arrangements other than named custody). If you say you're only doing it so you don't have to start from scratch "the next time" it sounds as though you're already expecting that to happen and have zero faith in her making healthy changes.

In my eyes should it happen again you wouldn't be starting from scratch at all because you would have even more leverage then... So that all makes me ponder if this is just a means of doubt/fear based control. Which I understand as well buuuuut just want to point out that there are other things she (or anyone) could have been doing while driving that could have resulted in her rear ending a car & never being arrested... A daily drinker could easily have rear ended a car and gotten a DUI even with a lesser ABV. Sometimes those who drink less frequently have a much harder time metabolizing and also judging themselves accurately. I wish I had more information on the whys and hows of the kiddo being in the car.

Obviously she fucked up. I personally just think this could go south on you and that not punishing her further would be potentially a larger benefit for you in the figure. Especially in terms of her returning kindness with kindness, forgiveness with forgiveness & cooperation with cooperation. That's just me obviously and if anyone besides the OP wants to come at me for sharing my personal, life experience based opinion (as requested by the OP), I'm not responding to you. I definitely need waaaay more information on this one from both sides.

 

[shekinah33]

@fundisi Yes it sounds like you are not worried about what Is best for your son but more excited about punishing and controlling your ex and the opportunity her mistake has provided you- that’s the honest truth - do you even ask your son how he feels about this w out giving your opinion - or pressuring him?