Am I being too kind to my ex-wife?

[oneadam12]

@fundisi Reasonable af!!!! And yes you are being too nice, but i get why you are doing it. Ask yourself would should extend the same courtesy to you? She made the decision of driving drunk and taking your kid with her. This is a big red flag and as the parent it is your job to protect your child safety at all cost even if thats against his own mother. Stand your ground and take full control until she proves she will no longer make stupid decisions like this one. You owe it to your child to protect them and keep them safe. The situation could of been a lot worst. What happens next time she pulls something like this and she has your child in the car. Too many sad stories so i wouldnt take any chances and take full control until she proves she is worthy of raising her child.

 

[clcassell21]

@fundisi 100% reasonable. Actually, consider weaning her into visitations. Clearly she couldn't control herself while he was with her. Maybe start with 1 day, and move up as she proves herself.

Your kiddo may not understand right away, but at least he's going to be safe.

 

[bookwyrm]

@fundisi I would talk to your attorney and push for court monitored visitations if she can’t not drink and drive with your kid in the car.

 

[davidjohnn51]

@fundisi I’d add in a part of the plan where you both agree to the what ifs- what if she fails the test, comes drunk, misses meetings? Make sure you all agree on what happens after and how it’s explained to your son.

 

[fundisi]

@davidjohnn51 She would immediately lose all visitation if she fails on anything. It's a one strike policy.

 

[beginningtowonder]

@fundisi Total loss of visitation would hurt your son not protect him

 

[fundisi]

@beginningtowonder What would you suggest instead? I'm just looking for a big enough incentive for her to stay sober.

 

[davidjohnn51]

@fundisi Unfortunately with addiction this isn’t usually realistic. Relapses happen a lot- especially “in the beginning.” I’d suggest checking out Al Anon resources to see what you can expect.

 

[iwanto]

@fundisi Supervised visitation at least. But, you need professional advice on this, ie best to get the court involved asap. Also cps maybe?

 

[guje]

@fundisi I think you're being much too harsh. I can understand the anger & fear but is this reasonable or just power play?

 

[fundisi]

@guje I'm thinking of it as similar to a probation violation, but what would you suggest instead? I'm definitely open to reasonable alternatives. That's why I posted.

 

[jhardy]

@fundisi People in jail can still see their kids...

I would say to make it supervised visitation if she messes up. This way both mom and kid still get a relationship but your kid is safe. As well though, I would say to try to be understanding and if she needs time/space to figure her stuff out and go to rehab and all that. I know she put yalls child in danger but addiction (binge drinking is a type of addiction) is a legitimate sickness that needs medical help a lot of the time. Also, she could still very well be classified as an alcoholic even if its not "every day" if shes using alcohol to feel better. Hopefully she can do a rehab program and get better. Best of luck

 

[daisymaisey]

@fundisi I think an interlock on the car and going to therapy is reasonable. Forcing AA will likely cause resentment and won’t work. 100% custody is cruel to both your ex wife and child.

 

[saddletramp]

@daisymaisey This is SOUND advice

 

[mnarvasa001]

@fundisi She could have killed herself, your son, or someone else. You’re being forgiving and reasonable.

 

[katrina2017]

@fundisi Just remember in situations like these, and this is also how the courts should be viewing it as well, your wife’s wants and opinions are irrelevant here, as are yours - to an extent.

First and foremost what matters most is the safety and well being of the child. Since your opinions and concerns directly relate to their well being they are definitely relevant.

Proceed from there. Your concerns are justified and there needs to be a plan put into motion. This isn’t a case of “Oops, I promise I won’t do it again”

there needs to be, or at least should be, tangible evidence of her addressing and dealing with a problem. A DUI is a symptom of a much larger problem

 

[greglovee]

@fundisi I think this is very reasonable and responsible. Best of luck to you, thank goodness no one was hurt.

 

[jamjo4511]

@fundisi I think that sounds perfectly reasonable outcome for all

 

[kervinjacque]

@fundisi Fact is a fact, she doesn't process all the event very well, but acts have consequences and stake in is your child. So, it's not matter of being nice or not, it's matter of being pragmatical.

 

[mandabz]

@fundisi Did child protective services get involved yet? It might not matter what you are willing to give her