@classicnostalgia You’ve very clearly never gone to court. First, the upended status quo is from dad refusing to take the children to events they were already attending. Did you not read that part? Second, changing a custody exchange to add that mom is able to take the children to their sport events during the week if dad is refusing to, isn’t either a huge schedule change, or unreasonable. Third, lawyers don’t “get cases tossed out”, especially when it comes to family court. They would meet with a family mediator first, and solely based off the fact that the children are ASKING to continue their previously attended sports, it will be incredibly easy to get her custody papers updated. Are you dad?
Am I a petty coparent?
- Thread starter darrenclay
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classicnostalgia
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@danrodrig Maybe tossed out was the wrong wording. I was trying to say the application for a change to the parenting agreement could be heard, but ultimately decided against. Because the courts will look at this like one parent dictating what extra curricular activities occur on the other parent’s time. Typically, judges don’t like that, and even if the activities are for sports, it does not warrant a change in the parenting plan. And even if one parent offers to do the driving, it would result in upending the status quo. Going to court just for sports could be seen as unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time and money, hence the other parent getting awarded costs.
@classicnostalgia I’ve sat through days worth of trials for parenting matters and I’ve seen more trivial things come up; like sorting out specific times for phone calls even. Again, the fact that the kids were already in these sports and want to continue to do them is what’s going to matter. Then going to the activities is already the statues quo. Dad is the one disrupting it. Second, considering mom is already willing and capable of paying all these costs, I don’t see the $150 hour fee for court room appearance and a few extra hundred to file paperwork for her if she wants is going to be the biggest deal. Yes, courts take these things into consideration, it’s a big reason parents who are more financially capable and able to provide more end up with more custody. Dad is not making a good case for himself here.
@darrenclay I think at that age it's nice to participate in extra-curriculars for a few hours a week, it sounds like you may be hoping for much more than that.
Thriving and enjoying sport as a five year old, doesn't mean it's in his best interests to fill a whole week packed full of activities that take away opportunities for other things.
Reasons we have said no to activities; the kids are too tired after school, they have asked for more time with us, kids need unstructured time too, the proposed activity eats into bedtime routine etc. They could have all been considered "unreasonable" by a coparent, but we were advocating for what we felt was in the kid's best interests.
It also sounds like you are pushing it, not making decisions together. Next season, would you consider asking if he would be willing to support one extracurricular, and then discuss days / times that he would be willing to take the kids to?
Alternatively, the kids do things every second week, or you consider a schedule change.
Thriving and enjoying sport as a five year old, doesn't mean it's in his best interests to fill a whole week packed full of activities that take away opportunities for other things.
Reasons we have said no to activities; the kids are too tired after school, they have asked for more time with us, kids need unstructured time too, the proposed activity eats into bedtime routine etc. They could have all been considered "unreasonable" by a coparent, but we were advocating for what we felt was in the kid's best interests.
It also sounds like you are pushing it, not making decisions together. Next season, would you consider asking if he would be willing to support one extracurricular, and then discuss days / times that he would be willing to take the kids to?
Alternatively, the kids do things every second week, or you consider a schedule change.
jordanw123
New member
@darrenclay Ok so I’m the “no to sports” parent and I’ve got a lot of reasons. My ex has tried, repeatedly, to get me to sign our 7yo up for very demanding team sports. We’re talking traveling, hours and hours out of my time with my child, huge (for me) financial obligations. He even got his family involved trying to bully me into letting kiddo do ski team.
I understand sports build character and are a great way for kids to expend energy and develop physically. But I didn’t play sports as a kid (grew up in a rural area with two working parents who could never afford it) and fully believe sports isn’t the only way. Kiddo does scouts now and ex has refused to participate. That’s his choice and I don’t force him because he’s not into it.
Back to ski-team…why would I pay thousands of dollars and spend hundreds of hours of time watching my kid do something I have zero interest in? The ex’s request that I drive up to the mountain (3 hours round trip), sit in the lodge (4 hours), and pay for half of it (god knows how much $$) all during my busy work season is absurd.
I only have my child 50% of the time. I’ll be damned if I spend that precious time doing anything other than bonding with my kid. We do activities together, have play time, and yes, we get out and exercise. None of that would be possible if ski team were in the picture.
Also I refuse to see my ex because he’s abusive and an overall terrible person. The less I interact with him the better I parent. My time with my kiddo is mine, and won’t be dictated by his ideas of what’s best. Kiddo also does gymnastics (non traveling team) and private swim lessons once a week. Sports culture is out of control in the US. Not every kid needs to be scheduled to the max and living out of the car in a constant commute to and from sports.
You’re not petty, but you are lacking empathy. Not your time, not your choice.
I understand sports build character and are a great way for kids to expend energy and develop physically. But I didn’t play sports as a kid (grew up in a rural area with two working parents who could never afford it) and fully believe sports isn’t the only way. Kiddo does scouts now and ex has refused to participate. That’s his choice and I don’t force him because he’s not into it.
Back to ski-team…why would I pay thousands of dollars and spend hundreds of hours of time watching my kid do something I have zero interest in? The ex’s request that I drive up to the mountain (3 hours round trip), sit in the lodge (4 hours), and pay for half of it (god knows how much $$) all during my busy work season is absurd.
I only have my child 50% of the time. I’ll be damned if I spend that precious time doing anything other than bonding with my kid. We do activities together, have play time, and yes, we get out and exercise. None of that would be possible if ski team were in the picture.
Also I refuse to see my ex because he’s abusive and an overall terrible person. The less I interact with him the better I parent. My time with my kiddo is mine, and won’t be dictated by his ideas of what’s best. Kiddo also does gymnastics (non traveling team) and private swim lessons once a week. Sports culture is out of control in the US. Not every kid needs to be scheduled to the max and living out of the car in a constant commute to and from sports.
You’re not petty, but you are lacking empathy. Not your time, not your choice.
@jordanw123 This!
joyfuljourney
New member
@jordanw123 You suck
@darrenclay Honestly, sounds like you need to work better with your coparent and find the root of why he doesn’t want to take the kids to the events. Currently going through this as the wife of the receiving parent and it’s tough. Yes, you want what’s best for your kids, but then you take them to the game to watch them sit on a basketball with their friend and yes it’s great to see their interacting with friends and other people, but when you see them 4 times a month… it’s a little bit painful to wish you could have spent the 2 hours together playing at the park or doing something together. Now we’re into soccer season… 2 games a weekend, midday with a 2 hour round trip commute and 1-2hour games. 8 hours of parenting time gone. Yes it’s great to see them grow their skills, but it’s hard to also be the shuttle for a child you barely see and all you get is little glimmers of giggles and songs in between their naps from the long ride.
liaamsmithh95
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@pangurban He has them 50% of the time, not 4 times a month.
@liaamsmithh95 Speaking from personal experience of what might be going on.
jordanw123
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@pangurban Yep. I feel this completely.
edwardhall
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@darrenclay I have a similar problem where I end up paying and supporting my kids while he only takes them or comes to watch if it's convenient for him. I have no advice. I'm sorry. It sucks and it hurts to watch the kids have to go through it. Especially when it's something they truly enjoy. Sometimes I feel like my ex does it just to bother me (which THAT is petty).
Can you ask if you can take them on his weeks? Just say that you're happy to help them get to and from practice/games even if it's not your time. The worst thing that can happen is he says no.
Can you ask if you can take them on his weeks? Just say that you're happy to help them get to and from practice/games even if it's not your time. The worst thing that can happen is he says no.
darrenclay
New member
@edwardhall Sadly I have offered transportation so many times. I think it’s a control thing 
edwardhall
New member
@darrenclay Sounds incredibly familiar. I'm so sorry. I'm there with ya!
jordanw123
New member
@darrenclay It’s you trying to control how your ex spends his time with the kids, OP. You’re the one trying to control something you have no business trying to control — your co-parent’s time.
@darrenclay Coparenting means you don’t get to make unilateral decisions that affect both of you. You’re in the wrong here.
@darrenclay I changed my availability at work so I could go to my son’s T-ball games.
You’re not petty, it seems like he just doesn’t want to.
You’re not petty, it seems like he just doesn’t want to.
anonymous108723
New member
@darrenclay My coparent is only just now willing to bring our daughter to sports/activities during his time - but he refuses to communicate with me. Like point blank, he won't tell me if he won't be able to make it, won't talk to me pretty much at all about anything. It's so incredibly hard to GIVE him information about things bc he won't acknowledge he has received it. He won't respond to me Unless it's to argue or tell me i suck. 
He's so unpredictable, unreliable, and it makes trying to collaborate on activities so anxiety inducing. I'm willing to pay for it, even pick her up and bring her back to him on his days.
I have been lucky to find two activities that fall on Mondays and Tuesdays when she's with me every week. But I want to do soccer, and pretty much any sport is Saturdays. It sucks.
Right now bc she's so young, I just decided to pay for the season and bring her on my weekends. At least it's something I'll offer him the details of he asks, but I can keep doing my wheels trying to engage him. You have to look after your mental health too.
Lower your expectations and see if you can find an alternative that he doesn't even need to be involved in. Honestly, showing up to half the practices and half the games STILL teaches your kid something valuable. Still exposes them to how to be on a team. I think we need to stop pursuing coparents, and just be like "I'm facilitating this awesome thing for our kid. Ok see you later!" They can show the effort and take a knee if they want to get involved. This has been my biggest take away.
He's so unpredictable, unreliable, and it makes trying to collaborate on activities so anxiety inducing. I'm willing to pay for it, even pick her up and bring her back to him on his days.I have been lucky to find two activities that fall on Mondays and Tuesdays when she's with me every week. But I want to do soccer, and pretty much any sport is Saturdays. It sucks.
Right now bc she's so young, I just decided to pay for the season and bring her on my weekends. At least it's something
I'll offer him the details of he asks, but I can keep doing my wheels trying to engage him. You have to look after your mental health too. Lower your expectations and see if you can find an alternative that he doesn't even need to be involved in. Honestly, showing up to half the practices and half the games STILL teaches your kid something valuable. Still exposes them to how to be on a team. I think we need to stop pursuing coparents, and just be like "I'm facilitating this awesome thing for our kid. Ok see you later!" They can show the effort and take a knee if they want to get involved. This has been my biggest take away.
@darrenclay I’d get a lawyer and file a motion for contempt of a court order. If he’s court ordered to pay 80%, he has to pay it whether he likes the sport or not. It’s not about him. It’s about the kids.
And I would also file a petition for custody modification. He’s not thinking about what’s best for the kids or what they need/want. He’s thinking about himself. If he doesn’t take them where they need to go merely because he doesn’t want to (you know he’d take them if it was baseball), then maybe the current custody situation doesn’t work for your family. As they get older, they will have more activities, some of which will be graded or through school. Not showing up can have negative consequences.
And I would also file a petition for custody modification. He’s not thinking about what’s best for the kids or what they need/want. He’s thinking about himself. If he doesn’t take them where they need to go merely because he doesn’t want to (you know he’d take them if it was baseball), then maybe the current custody situation doesn’t work for your family. As they get older, they will have more activities, some of which will be graded or through school. Not showing up can have negative consequences.
@darrenclay You're not petty you're being a bad coparent, and controlling and toxic. You're making decisions on his time then making your kids sad because you're not co-parenting. It's parental alienation because now you've made decisions against his wishes and your kids are now affected so either he lets you do whatever you want or he lets his kids down. My advice stop planning things on his time and be a better coparent for your kids sake.