Years of infertility and trauma and now I’m 22 weeks and haven’t planned a thing

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promise1

New member
As the title says, I struggled with infertility for 5 years, did donor egg ivf, had a miscarriage last year and now I’m 22 weeks pregnant. I had spotting and bleeding all of my first trimester and spotting again at 18 weeks. 20 week scan found a hematoma on my placenta and a cyst on the baby’s brain. I’ve made peace with the cyst because we don’t have any other concerning markers. But I can’t shake my terror over this hematoma. It looks like I will be doing non stress testing 1-2 times a week starting around 26-28 weeks. I’m just a mess.

Everyone around me is overjoyed and I can’t feel that joy. I’m anxious and depressed, having ocd behaviors and hardly leaving my home. All this being said, I haven’t bought a single thing for this baby. I still don’t believe it’s going to happen.

What do I do? When do I start buying things? I haven’t even thought about the birth but it looks like I will be induced or have a c section. I’m so scared of both of these things. We are going to be moving early April so I’m hoping I will start planning more things at that time. But now I’m starting to worry that all this fear and frozen stuckness have made it so I will be planning everything so last minute.
 
@promise1 I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. You are strong for persevering. My personal experience was similar in regards to preparations. I felt too scared to buy anything or set anything up. We did set up a bulk of the nursery about 2ish weeks before baby arrived. It worked out for us, but I wasnt able to be very helpful. Honestly though you don't have to do much before if you're not up for it. Especially if you will have support/help after. You just need a way to get baby home, a place for baby to sleep, some diapers/wipes, some Jammies, and swaddles/sleep sacks. If you want a pack'n'play (I found this useful Especially the kind that has 2 different mattress heights so you can put newborn in it) you can keep it in the box until you get home and boom instant crib/safe place to set baby. Then after you can have your helpers set up the rest of your nursery. Just an idea. It's so hard not to feel like it's surreal or you can jinx it somehow. Do what you need to do to get through this!
 
@pilot2015 Thank you for sharing your perspective and advice! Two weeks before sounds great. I didn't even know what a pack and play was until you wrote it here and I googled it. That looks pretty easy and doable!!
 
@promise1 I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I struggled too with getting the nursery ready, as I was convinced I wouldn’t get my “take home baby”.

I first bought stuff at viability (24 weeks) and did a LOT of Amazon shopping in the hospital. At viability, I got the big things (crib, bassinet, changing table topper). I let people buy me clothes and diapers and wipes at 28 weeks, and finally did my own shopping around 30 weeks.

You do what makes you feel comfortable. I have a friend who is Jewish and she did zero prep for the baby as (according to her) it was bad luck to prepare for the baby before it arrived.
 
@nancy7 Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice! I like the idea of buying the big things on the sooner side and then the smaller things from the hospital or having friends/family buy them. How interesting you mentioned your friend being Jewish-- I'm Jewish as well. I wonder if I have similar underlying feelings of "jinxing" things. I've never been religious or superstitious, but I do have a few very close people in my life that are also Jewish and talk about jinxing things!
 
@promise1 After a late loss, I don’t have a “safe zone” this pregnancy, so I have the exact anxiety you describe. One of the kindest things someone told me is that newborns are easy. They don’t hardly need anything (if you’re thinking of a nursery, they wouldn’t even use it until well after 6mo).

On the day you deliver, you could honestly have someone run out to get the essentials: some newborn clothes, diapers/wipes, a carseat, and a little bassinet. I started saving about $20/wk so that I have that as my backup plan in case I can’t get to a spot mentally where I’m ready to make purchases.
 
@mattmizzno That is great advice, thank you!! When you say they don't need the nursery until 6 months, can you explain that to me? I've literally done zero research on once the baby arrives and I pictured them in the nursery right away.
 
@promise1 Most babies will sleep in a bassinet in your room until about 6 months (since they’re up every 3-4 hours, you definitely want them nearby). A big added bonus if you’re still not at the point of planning a nursery: room-sharing, not bed-sharing, has also been shown to offer about a 50% reduction in the risk of SIDS.

At 6(ish) months, baby could be moved to a crib in their nursery, but even then, you could easily have that in your room if you wanted. Babies don’t really start sitting up (or doing much of anything besides being adorable) until 6ish months anyways, so you definitely have time to acquire everything else ❤️
 
@mattmizzno Wow great info to know thank you!!! A woman I know mentioned something about a device next to her bed or attached to her bed that the baby sleeps in so she could just wake up, roll over and breastfeed. Do you happen to know what that’s called?
 
@promise1 Ohhh that might be the type of bassinet she had (called a bedside sleeper) - it’s flush with your bed and has one side that opens for easy access (which is awesome). Other bassinets, like the Pack ‘n Play, have multiple purposes as baby grows. So many great options!

Your friend breastfeeding brings up another point - I’ve had friends that expected to breastfeed and bought expensive pumps and ended up needing to use formula. Others bought a ton of pacifiers or bottles, but their babies didn’t like those nipples so they had to start from scratch… so maybe we’re on to something with our anxiety-ridden “wait it out” method haha
 
@mattmizzno Thanks for giving me the name, I think you’re correct!! Yes it does seem like the anxiety could serve a financial purpose- wait and see what the baby is like and then invest in things!!
 
@promise1 Same.

Around 26 weeks the balance of “prepping is too terrifying” vs. “I need to plan and do” tipped over to planning and doing. Hitting “buy” on the crib was a heavy day. Then… I went nuts and bought everything all at once and the nursery is 60% done at 31w.

I lost my son at 31w but things started to deteriorate around 26w. I had a really good growth scan for this baby at 26w that gave me that confidence. The continued testing has helped.

In any case, my recommendation is small steps. Load up your registry for now. You can buy everything later with the completion discount. You don’t really need to prep. You could order everything from the hospital postpartum and be fine. (Especially with how fast Amazon delivers.)

If you’re at 36w and still not feeling it, maybe just do the essentials - bassinet & sheets, newborn diapers, a few swaddles. That’s all you NEED for a few days.

Good luck!
 
@peter_aka_00avenger00 Thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences. I'm so sorry for your late loss, I can't even imagine how you have gotten through all of that and continued on to have another child! It's amazing to hear your strength and how the process has been for you in terms of feeling safe after the 26 week scans were good this time around.

What is a completion discount btw?
 
@promise1 It’s a process. Making babies is haaaaard.

Completion discount = on most registries (for sure Amazon and Target) you get a 15% discount on everything left on your registry after your shower/due date. But, you enter the date so you can put it for whenever, and there’s no validation anyone actually buys anything from it in the first place. So, I made an Amazon registry for myself with a date a month earlier than my actual due date, a shower date 6 weeks before that… and voila, now I’m slowly buying everything at 15% off! And it’s valid for 60 days after due date so can buy stuff after baby arrives, too.
 
@promise1 I’m so sorry; infertility makes pregnancy a lot harder to enjoy. Hugs.

Babies need very little. A few pieces of clothing, diapers, a place to sleep, and food.

You don’t have to overdo the stuff and you have some time. But being at least somewhat prepared before the baby comes does usually help the postpartum period.

I’d try to make a bare minimum list and tackle maybe 2 things a week.
 
@promise1 I’d start with:
- Crib/bassinet and sheets
- Diapers and wipes
- 10ish onesies
- 10ish bottoms
- 6ish PJs
- Car seat
- A jacket (depending on climate)
- 3ish baby blankets for use in car seat/stroller or on your floor for tummy time
- baby monitor (depending on home layout)

I always suggest:
- 2 types of pacifiers. If you decide to use them, it’ll be like in the middle of the night and you’ll be sad you don’t have any. Plus some babies don’t like 1 type but do another.
- 2 types of bottles, even if you plan to BF. Breastfeeding doesn’t always workout and even if it does but you can pump and have partner help with a feeding it’s great.

For YOU:
- pads for vaginal bleeding
- nipple pads for any leakage
- nursing/pumping bra if you plan to do either
- a great water bottle with a closing lid and hopefully carrying handle/hook

I can think of more. But that’d be an amazing start
 
@dardan Thanks so much, you’re an angel!!! That’s extremely helpful and I will keep that list with me until I’m ready to start buying!

Just wondering, how much will I bleed and for how long is that expected? I know so little about what will happen to my body after delivery.
 
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