Years of infertility and trauma and now I’m 22 weeks and haven’t planned a thing
@promise1 After awhile, I got into the mindset of celebrating every day the baby was alive, even if was 6, 10, or 39 weeks. 
Started “announcing” (to close friends and fam) right away each time and trying to hold out hope.
Plus I love parties and did a super chill mixed gender beer and food hangout. No games. No opening gifts in front of people. It was much like a regular party I’d throw. Oh and I didn’t do it til like 30+ weeks.
Started “announcing” (to close friends and fam) right away each time and trying to hold out hope. Plus I love parties and did a super chill mixed gender beer and food hangout. No games. No opening gifts in front of people. It was much like a regular party I’d throw. Oh and I didn’t do it til like 30+ weeks.
@promise1 Oh and…as far as bleeding, it’s impossible to say. Everyone is different, even each birth.
But the postpartum stuff going on in my body was definitely an added factor into all parts of my first few weeks/months. Take it easy if you feel the need to and remember that you’re healing, not just “it’s all over and now it’s about the baby.”
But the postpartum stuff going on in my body was definitely an added factor into all parts of my first few weeks/months. Take it easy if you feel the need to and remember that you’re healing, not just “it’s all over and now it’s about the baby.”
southpaw705
New member
@promise1 I’m 32 weeks and have done nothing
Our first pregnant was twins and they were stillborn. We have a closet full of matching girl things. This baby is a boy. We will have a shower around 36 weeks, but haven’t set up anything in the nursery or talked names or anything. Afraid to jinx things and have another baby that we don’t get to take home. We now have weekly ultrasounds and nst’s.
Our first pregnant was twins and they were stillborn. We have a closet full of matching girl things. This baby is a boy. We will have a shower around 36 weeks, but haven’t set up anything in the nursery or talked names or anything. Afraid to jinx things and have another baby that we don’t get to take home. We now have weekly ultrasounds and nst’s.
@southpaw705 I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and think it's amazing that you moved forward with pregnancy again after such a huge loss. I hear you on not planning until the point you are at, I imagine I will be the same. How have the ultrasounds and NST's been? I'm nervous for those NSTs, I guess it's just confirmation that I'm high risk and makes me more scared!
southpaw705
New member
@promise1 Our first nst is this week- we will have them weekly now until baby is here. I’m ok being classified as “high risk”, because it means more monitoring. I would rather have them catch something and have to deliver baby early than go through another stillbirth!
We don’t plan to have the nursery set up until baby is home, since he won’t sleep in there for the first several months anyways!
We don’t plan to have the nursery set up until baby is home, since he won’t sleep in there for the first several months anyways!
@southpaw705 That’s a perfect way to look at it and I will try that reframe myself… More monitoring is a really good thing because it means more experts are looking out for myself and baby. And more likely they will catch something if it’s there to be caught. I have so much health anxiety already, and in general testing and doctors are a huge trigger for me. But I remember having that thought in the past as well— whatever is going on inside my body is happening regardless of if I know it is or not. And if it’s found it’s much more likely to be helped than if it’s not found.
@promise1 You have lots of time! Take a deep breath and do parts that sound enjoyable. All baby really needs to come home is a bassinet, a car seat, and some basic clothes and feeding/diapering supplies.
Does shopping for clothes sound fun? Great, do that! Is it overwhelming? There are tons of people selling huge lots of baby clothes on fb marketplace. You can literally just buy a whole 0-3 wardrobe and call it a day.
If you would enjoy designing a nursery, do it! I did! If that feels like too much, stick a bassinet next to your bed and call it a day. Everything baby really needs can get shoved in a few baskets.
Is there someone planning a baby shower for you? If so, maybe tell them how you are feeling. The moms and aunties in your life would probably love to put together a registry for you and take charge.
I feel for you! It’s so hard to trust this is the “real thing.” If it’s easier to buy things and keep them in the garage or attic until there is a baby in your arms, that’s okay— just ask a loved one to help you set up so you’re not doing it all alone postpartum. Thinking of you and your sweet bub!
Does shopping for clothes sound fun? Great, do that! Is it overwhelming? There are tons of people selling huge lots of baby clothes on fb marketplace. You can literally just buy a whole 0-3 wardrobe and call it a day.
If you would enjoy designing a nursery, do it! I did! If that feels like too much, stick a bassinet next to your bed and call it a day. Everything baby really needs can get shoved in a few baskets.
Is there someone planning a baby shower for you? If so, maybe tell them how you are feeling. The moms and aunties in your life would probably love to put together a registry for you and take charge.
I feel for you! It’s so hard to trust this is the “real thing.” If it’s easier to buy things and keep them in the garage or attic until there is a baby in your arms, that’s okay— just ask a loved one to help you set up so you’re not doing it all alone postpartum. Thinking of you and your sweet bub!
@aero17 Thank you for the great advice! I was planning on having a baby shower, but after the 20 week scan and knowing all the testing I will have to be doing, I just don't feel good about it anymore and told my best friend not to plan one. Honestly none of the planning sounds fun right now so I may wait and see how some of these third trimester tests go before I start buying and planning anything.
karleyanahid
New member
@promise1 I’m 24 weeks and haven’t bought anything yet either. I had a MMC last year and just the thought of having a room full of baby stuff and then having something go wrong makes me feel devastated. My SIL has had three miscarriages and is not having any luck with IVF. She bought all of her baby stuff 10 years ago within weeks of her first test, and it all sits unopened in her garage. I just think that is so sad, and I don’t think I could cope if that happened to me.
My husband and I started going to baby shops and expos after our 20 week scan. I have ideas of what I want to buy, and how to decorate the nursery but can’t bring myself to actually do it. Hopefully I will get my courage up in the next few weeks (I have a review coming up at the hospital in 2 weeks) and start buying. At this point, I’m starting to get criticised by well meaning family etc. These are mostly people who had nothing wrong with their pregnancies and just don’t understand. I try to laugh it off but it does hurt a lot. My SIL really pisses me off though. I try to be understanding but ultimately I think she’s judging me for how she thinks I’ll be a terrible mother - like I don’t care or something because I don’t have everything purchased and ready to go like she did.
Tbh I don’t think it really matters if you are super prepared or not. Really you just need a bassinet, car seat/capsule, bedding, some clothes, nappies, bath and bottles etc that can be picked up in one outing to a baby shop if needed. The baby isn’t going to know or care if you have a fully stocked nursery or not. Just do what feels right to you.
My husband and I started going to baby shops and expos after our 20 week scan. I have ideas of what I want to buy, and how to decorate the nursery but can’t bring myself to actually do it. Hopefully I will get my courage up in the next few weeks (I have a review coming up at the hospital in 2 weeks) and start buying. At this point, I’m starting to get criticised by well meaning family etc. These are mostly people who had nothing wrong with their pregnancies and just don’t understand. I try to laugh it off but it does hurt a lot. My SIL really pisses me off though. I try to be understanding but ultimately I think she’s judging me for how she thinks I’ll be a terrible mother - like I don’t care or something because I don’t have everything purchased and ready to go like she did.
Tbh I don’t think it really matters if you are super prepared or not. Really you just need a bassinet, car seat/capsule, bedding, some clothes, nappies, bath and bottles etc that can be picked up in one outing to a baby shop if needed. The baby isn’t going to know or care if you have a fully stocked nursery or not. Just do what feels right to you.
@karleyanahid Oh my goodness you’ve been through so much and your family isn’t helping!! What your sil has been through sounds awful and I would hope she would understand what you are going through more. It sounds like you are doing amazing for 24 weeks! You already have it mapped out of how you want things to be done, which is light years ahead of me. Why can family be so judgy and annoying? I’m really sorry!
karleyanahid
New member
@promise1 Thank you! It sounds like you’re having a tough time too! It’s just so hard with everything being so uncertain. I guess if things do go well, I’ll look back and be like geez I overreacted and it’s a shame that I couldn’t relax and try and enjoy my pregnancy, but at the same time it’s so hard when you have had a bad experience before. I think it’s important to take things one day at a time and just do what feels right for you. If waiting until the last minute works for you, there’s no issue with that. All that matters for the baby is that it’s loved, cared for and has the necessities.
brittanylp
New member
@promise1 3 years of infertility and loss for me, and now 27 weeks with my IVF baby. I also took such a long time to feel any kind of joy about the pregnancy because I knew how easily it could be snatched away at a moment's notice. Thankfully, everything seems to be going well now, and at around 20 weeks I started to relax a bit as I started feeling little kicks. I also put off buying anything up until that point (didnt want to jinx myself) and even now I'm just buying little by little.
I know you're (rightly) worried about the hematoma, but focus on the positives - it's being monitored, you and your Dr know what you're up against, and everything possible is being done to help. From here, take the small wins where you can, and celebrate them by buying something you or baby will need. I started to buy something each time we had a good scan, passed the glucose test, felt good kicks etc. It's less overwhelming than having to buy everything at the same time and you still feel like you are slowly getting ready. Same thing with your home space - Maybe clear a drawer or a cupboard that will be designated for baby things. I find it relieving to know that at least progress is being made.
Also, if you have parents, siblings and close friends who know about your journey, you could ask them to help you with getting things together. Put them in charge of your registry if you have one, or ask them to store things for you if you're not quite ready to see the items in your house yet (especially since you're moving). People who love you won't mind and will understand if you're struggling. I hope you have a support network like that around you.
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, experiencing infertility and loss really do steal the joy of finally being pregnant. But keep going, and don't feel pressure to have everything ready, do what you can when you can.
I know you're (rightly) worried about the hematoma, but focus on the positives - it's being monitored, you and your Dr know what you're up against, and everything possible is being done to help. From here, take the small wins where you can, and celebrate them by buying something you or baby will need. I started to buy something each time we had a good scan, passed the glucose test, felt good kicks etc. It's less overwhelming than having to buy everything at the same time and you still feel like you are slowly getting ready. Same thing with your home space - Maybe clear a drawer or a cupboard that will be designated for baby things. I find it relieving to know that at least progress is being made.
Also, if you have parents, siblings and close friends who know about your journey, you could ask them to help you with getting things together. Put them in charge of your registry if you have one, or ask them to store things for you if you're not quite ready to see the items in your house yet (especially since you're moving). People who love you won't mind and will understand if you're struggling. I hope you have a support network like that around you.
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, experiencing infertility and loss really do steal the joy of finally being pregnant. But keep going, and don't feel pressure to have everything ready, do what you can when you can.
@brittanylp Thank you so much for sharing you experiences and your advice! I'm wondering if there is someone in my life that loves this kind of planning and can take over for me. Like get me the bare minimum to start up and just go from there.
In terms of the hematoma, my doctor is being really dismissive about it and treating me like I'm a "woman with anxiety." Although he is still planning for me to get all these tests done. Thankfully when I move I will be changing doctors, and I truly hope to find someone much better than can talk to me about the risks in a way that makes more sense to me.
In terms of the hematoma, my doctor is being really dismissive about it and treating me like I'm a "woman with anxiety." Although he is still planning for me to get all these tests done. Thankfully when I move I will be changing doctors, and I truly hope to find someone much better than can talk to me about the risks in a way that makes more sense to me.
@promise1 People who never notice they're pregnant still manage. Even if you don't buy a single thing before the delivery you'll manage. (If you do that, maybe on the way home from the hospital send DH to Buy Buy Baby and have him buy whatever pack n play is most expensive, plus a few packs of diapers. The expensive P&P sets come with a mini changing table, a portable bassinet, the equivalent of a crib, etc etc all in one big box.) Maybe the bigger deal here is that it's so scary? It might be worth talking to a professional to get help managing. This is a scary situation and it isn't wrong to be scared. Seeing a professional who can be there alongside you in the scary unknowns could help.
@dj97 Thank you! I just looked up what a pack and play is so now I understand what a few people here have mentioned. You're right... I used to work with super low income families and they had so many kids, lived in a living room and somehow managed to keep their kids safe and alive. If I have to do the bare minimum for a bit I know the baby will be okay.
Yes it's all very scary and yes I already have a therapist. She specializes in infertility and has been helpful. I'm also a therapist, but somehow my own issues are much harder to manage than other peoples!
Yes it's all very scary and yes I already have a therapist. She specializes in infertility and has been helpful. I'm also a therapist, but somehow my own issues are much harder to manage than other peoples!