When is it okay to rough house?

[myliagirl]

@clarabel That list seems spot on

My two girls don’t like to get rough at all, which is a bit disappointing since it was a big part of growing up with my dad and brothers.

BUT they somehow think I am ticklish. So lately most Saturday mornings wife and two girls work together to try to pin me down and prove I’m ticklish. So much fun. (Ages 4 and 7)

 

[nneye]

@clarabel what do you mean by dangle from legs? hold them by the legs upside down. or them sititng on your legs holding their hands going slightly backward?.

3-5 years is probably the sweet spot for toddler throwing. to the bed. and getting the max distance. at 6 they start to get to heavy and lower to scared

 

[katrina2017]

@clarabel I’ve stopped because I’m worried about my 4 year old being rough at school. Kind of sucks but I don’t think he has the maturity to know when it’s ok.

 

[craddle]

@katrina2017 Based on the other article posted in this thread, rough housing achieves the exact opposite of what you're worried about: it reduces aggression.

 

[katrina2017]

@craddle I don’t put a lot of stock in studies into children’s behaviour. Much less with a sample size of 85. If it’s been repeated a bunch or accepted by a large professional body I’ll accept that

 

[craddle]

@katrina2017 Better than a personal gut feeling...

 

[jorgy]

@katrina2017 Thank about it... rough housing with somebody your child trusts (you) and in a controlled environment allows you to show him where the boundaries are. He can see what hurts and how to have control over his body and actions.

 

[katrina2017]

@jorgy Did some googling and it seems this is a widely held view. I guess I’ll change my approach then. I still do it to an extent but haven’t really developed an organized or intentional approach to it. My eldest is also very sensitive so I find it challenging to navigate

 

[sataris]

@katrina2017 I understand your concerns. At the end of the day, you’re the parent of your child. You interact with them every single day. You really have the best insight.

A concern I could have is that my kid wouldn’t know how to hold back with others in the ways that I do. In fact, I believe spouses that don’t appreciate rough housing fail to recognize the level of caution actually taking place.

IMHO, stopping altogether may not fix the situation and could make it worse. Kids need outlets for all their energies, and rough housing is definitely one of those outlets. What’s most important is teaching restraint and awareness. So maybe shift towards focusing on that and emphasize that this is something we do for fun, if it’s not fun for anyone at any point we stop.

 

[katrina2017]

@sataris Ya I think that’s a good call. It’s not like I do absolutely no roughhousing…I just don’t necessarily encourage it either. But I think I’m sold on the idea, which is exciting because it’s fun of course

 

[cyntrob]

@katrina2017 the idea is that you create a space with some boundaries for the behavior to be practiced and as a result the behavior happens less frequently outside of that space.

 

[gooliga]

@katrina2017 You don’t get to be naked at school so why wouldn’t you shower in your pajamas?

Anecdotally, I work at a daycare. The kids with the tight ass stuffy parents have way more behavioral issues than the parents that are normal. There is one MF that literally shakes his 4 year olds hand instead of hugging him and that kid is a terror

 

[sataris]

@gooliga I love shaking my kid’s hand when we make deals. But that’s messed up. I bet the kid says shit like “Salutations mother fuckers, don’t tell my dad.”

 

[augustatrillyon]

@katrina2017 Here is a link to a meta-analysis of multiple studies on roughhousing with fathers. It is peer-reviewed (as are all 16 studies it analyzes), and the total sample size is 1,521: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1002/imhj.21676

It's behind a paywall, because academia sucks, but I will include some excerpts directly from the text:

• Aggression has a varied association with physical play. In the majority of studies, results were nonsignificant. However, two studies described moderate negative associations (e.g., r = −.43, p < .05), showing that aggression was lower when rough-and-tumble play was higher.
• Aggression appears to have a negative or nil association with father–child physical play, although the link between father control or dominance and higher child aggression when RTP is frequent is an important detail.

So regarding aggression, roughhousing probably doesn't have much of an effect, but if it does it's a good effect (less aggression).

The caveat in the second point is that if fathers are domineering and aggressive, then the RTP can increase aggression. This seems pretty obvious to me!

What about other outcomes?

Social competence (comprising popularity, peer competence, nonaggressive competitiveness, and social skills) was positively associated with all measured attributes of physical play. This effect was equal for boys and girls. The strong positive relationship between physical play and social competence also was demonstrated at the population level. This suggests it's not just good for individuals, but for communities/populations as well!

Emotional skills (anxiety, emotional skills, and emotional symptoms) were positively associated with physical play across all studies. In sum, emotional skills are higher in children who engage in regular roughhousing.

Self-regulation (composed of effortful control, participation in risky behaviors, hyperactivity, and attention regulation) effects varied from non-significant to large. In sum, self-regulation was positively associated with physical play frequency, duration, and quality in the individual studies, but the population effect size suggests great variation.

\*~\~\ the end \*~\~\

Sounds like the research into this might be stronger and more comprehensive than you thought! Worth considering, since you seem to care about this topic. Cheers!

 

[jwhite]

@craddle Not sure what articles you're referring to, but my son is kind and gentle to everyone besides me. We're at it every night before bath time and again right before bed. Hes the sweetest kid and is so gentle with his 2 year old brother.

 

[imadaydreambeliever]

@clarabel 11+ = the eldest shall challenge the father in feats of strength

 

[dannyincolorado]

@clarabel Spot on.

 

[mrblonde]

@clarabel Rough housing should be confined exclusively to the times when your kids are awake.

 

[gooliga]

@mrblonde Bullshit. Sneak attack. And I always tell my kids “never sneak up on a man that’s been in a chemical fire!”

 

[mrblonde]

@gooliga Oh Man my kids would flip the eff out if I tried a bit of rough housing to wake them up. Actually now that I have had a good chuckle at the thought I may have to do just that on my son tomorrow morning.