Turning 34 this year, "no time left", is it doable with everything else in our lives?

[sourdough]

I'm 34f and my wife is 30f. She doesn't have a uterus so I will be the one carrying, with any luck. We're planning on going for ICI or IUI, as long as I am hypothetically fertile according to the ob/gyn.

Due to weight loss surgery in 2023 I have to wait until January 2025 to conceive. I'll be 34 and turning 35 in May 2025.

I am currently going back to college, and in 2025 I'll be a junior in my Bachelors program, with 4 or 5 semesters remaining. I also want to get my Masters but I can wait a few semesters before diving into grad school. Full time school is 4 classes per semester, 50% online.

I'm anxious about being pregnant during school, stressing about the timing of the birth coming in the middle of a semester, or health issues during pregnancy interrupting my semester. But we can't wait for me to graduate, I'll be almost 37 and that's just not realistic, right?

Anyone else on the border of 35, panicking about the "geriatric pregnancy" health concerns, fertility concerns, but still have shit to do like school or big life plans? What do we do? Should we just take the plunge and try to figure it out? There's so much we can't plan for, and I need a plan, lol.

 

[lysak]

@sourdough 37 is doable, but there’s definitely fertility challenges, which could be true at any age. Are you using your own eggs or your wife’s? Because if she has eggs that would ease some age related concerns although would then require IVF.

 

[sourdough]

@lysak No she doesn't have a uterus or fallopian tubes so it's all me. We're likely going to avoid ivf if it turns out I'm not fertile enough and move onto foster/adopt.

 

[sisi]

@sourdough They can still retrieve eggs if she has ovaries, even if she doesn't have a uterus or tubes, and then you could carry. But of course IUI/ICI is the easier and less expensive course to try first.

 

[katherinewkingston]

@sisi Wife could be MtF

 

[sisi]

@katherinewkingston I know, but since she specified that she doesn't have a uterus or tubes specifically I thought I would mention it in case she does have ovaries.

 

[ray77]

@sourdough When I'm trying to conceive later this year, I'll be 35! In my OBGYN visits my doctor has given me no reason to believe that I shouldn't be able to conceive quickly. Of course there's so much unknown until you're actually starting to try (which is a big anxiety of mine as well)--but I'm trying to stay optimistic! I know so many people my age who have either recently had a baby, or are currently pregnant, and we are in good company.

 

[jeanclaude]

@sourdough My mom had me naturally (accidentally, wasn’t a planned baby lol) at age 41, almost 42 and I have no major health issues and neither did she during pregnancy. I live in an area where many women don’t have their first until 37, 38 and things turn out fine. Yes good to be aware of risks etc but certainly not at all impossible!

 

[sourdough]

@jeanclaude Yeah, I just also worry about being older parents, I don't want to be in my sixties when our kid goes off to college.

 

[shibolet]

@sourdough I get what you mean but theoretically people are living longer, that's not a bad age to be when the kids fly the nest. My parents were in their 50s when we went off to college and they immediately moved to New Orleans where they are currently still living their best lives (I'm 33 now) Remember there is life after kids even if it sounds old!

 

[sisi]

@sourdough Well, you have 8 years to have a child before you'd be 60 when they are 18.

 

[cmajka]

@sourdough Some people are old in their sixties and some people are young in their 70s. My uncle is 73, works full time at a tech company, and runs triathlons on the weekends. He had kids late in life and his youngest son graduated from high school last year. You wouldn’t have know he was any older than the other parents at the graduation ceremony - he has a buzz cut and was always blond so he doesn’t show his age at all.

I think having kids and being very physically active and have helped him stay very young for his age, although there’s definitely a luck component of not having major health issues there as well.

I’m not sure if this was helpful, but I’m just trying to say that being in your sixties when your kids graduate high school doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I bet a lot of other parents will be too.

 

[amcbarnes]

@sourdough My aunt who was in her early 40s when she had her youngest child says being an older mum has helped keep her young! The youngest leaving home coincided with her retirement and she's in good health, living her best life into her 70s.

 

[awakened221]

@sourdough There are SO many pregnant people in their late 30s & early 40s in the pregnancy subs.

There's a slight decline in fertility at 35 and a bigger decline at 40 but not enough that it's in any way rare to be pregnant at these ages.

The risks associated with "advanced maternal age" are a bit misunderstood as well - yes, it is considered a statistically significant risk factor but from my understanding the majority of people in this category have healthy pregnancies.

 

[quirkymango]

@sourdough My mom had me at 29, my sister at 33, and my other three siblings at 36, 38, and 39. Yes, risks are higher during "geriatric" pregnancy, but as long as you are still menstruating, you have the potential to have a successful pregnancy.

Neither me nor any of my siblings had any birth defects. My mom had gestational diabetes during her third pregnancy and that sister also was an emergency c-section but those were the only "natural" complications my mom ever had. She had an issue with my youngest brother, but that was because her OB inserted an IUD without running a pregnancy test, so we're pretty sure she was already pregnant when it went in and the embryo implanted very close to where the IUD sat. All five of us came out perfectly healthy

Best of luck to you and your partner

ETA: My mom ALSO just finished her bachelor's degree last spring at 52! There's no "too late" for that either, GL on your schooling as well

 

[doveofpeace]

@sourdough A close relative of mine has three kids, each was born more than a decade apart. I believe the first was born when she was 18 (this is my second cousin who is two years older than me), the second when she was 29 and the third when she was 40 or 41. Being a new mother again around the age 40 actually made her come across much younger than her actual age, she still does and her youngest is 8 years old now. There are definitely advantages to being a younger mum, but also to doing this older as you have more to give (in terms of resources, life experiences etc). If my health allowed it, I would’ve waited to have my second and last child when I’m in my thirties, but due to circumstances we had to go for a small gap and I’ll be giving birth for the last time at age 29.

 

[katrina2017]

@sourdough You should check out Lily Nichols new book Real Food for Fertility! She talks about all the things that can affect fertility, not just food, but lifestyle things too! I would think by becoming your healthiest self would help chances of pregnancy regardless of age.

 

[sourdough]

@katrina2017 Yes, that's what I'm working on this year. I have a few more pounds to lose to hit my goal weight and I'm already seeing a dietician for my program. I have lost 125 pounds since last year and I've seen a huge difference in my period cycle already.

 

[sisi]

@sourdough FWIW, I had my first at 34 when I was halfway through my second year of grad school (2-year program) and in an internship. I had front-loaded classes and graduated on time. So it can be done.

How many children do you want? At 34-35 your fertility is unlikely to be an issue and if it is it is in issue, it's unlikely to be age-related, but the bigger drops start closer to 40. So I'd be more inclined to go for it sooner if you're wanting multiple children.

 

[sourdough]

@sisi Just the one! So it might be worth it to wait, but I have heard plenty of people were able to get through college while pregnant. I guess I'm going to have to see how aggressive my last two years' schedule is.