@ladyghosthunter Is your mother in law retired though? We all have to go through that phase where you have no kids in the house no more...no job...Just a living the life.. Maybe she needs friends and to go do things more like travelling but it's been hard with covid were all more isolated. I see what youre saying about the identity part...I do agree but not fully. Women do all the jobs now days...work full time plus have kids and majority of these women are not okay. They're overworked. I'd do something part time. We are doing all the jobs. What are we competing men for? Enjoy being a mom...do something part time...no need to be a superhero. Most women no longer have kids because they want to focus on career and by the time theyve built a career, they're less fertile and hard to find men. Truth hurts. Sorry back to your questions...if you're planning on having a bigger family...I'd stay home...depending on how far apart the kids are...you'll need to stay home for like at least 8 years..maybe do your own business and work from home? Everything is shifting online now days. Good luck and becoming a mother is the most womanly thing you'll ever do in your life...don't miss that stage in life like most women these days who focus on only career
@ladyghosthunter I think with a plan to have 4-5 kids it depends on what life you want. You will probably be working and need a nanny to do that. If you want to stay at home with your children then it’s probably best to just do that and maybe consider being a paralegal and or law school later.
I’m an older mom and unless your blessed with twins you are certainly cutting it very close in the amount of time you have to space out your children. As you get older women don’t produce a healthy placenta so they don’t let you deliver after 41 weeks plus lots of NST tests. I think we like to gloss over the realities of pregnancy being less healthy as women get older but you probably should have that discussion with your OB. If you will be happy ending up with just 1/2 kids then you certainly have more flexibility in time. Parenting is night and day from working and not everyone loves both. Some moms prefer to work while others prefer staying at home. No one can give you an answer as to what will be your best decision.
@ladyghosthunter Around age 30 I went back to school to get an engineering degree. I did this in part for similar reasons as you- I wanted to get my career sorted out prior to having children and wanted something more for myself. Now I have the kid and another one on the way, and I don't regret going back to school, but just as perspective I definitely care way less about my job now than I did pre child, because I just want to spend as much time as possible with my son. I'm proud to be an engineer but ultimately it's a means to an end and I wouldn't mind something slightly less demanding that also paid the bills. I don't have time for hobbies right now but once the kids get older I personally won't have any issues finding interests outside of work (and wouldn't if I wasn't working either). The world is full of things to explore!
I will say in general it can be hard to know what you want, especially if it's in the future and there are major unknowns like how you're going to feel dropping that baby off at daycare, or being home with them all day everyday. Good luck!
@ladyghosthunter Sorry I’m confused about how you’ve been an adult for 12 years but you still don’t have a sense of purpose or identity? What have you been doing with your life so far?
@ladyghosthunter Ok, sorry, I accept that was worded harshly, however I still think it’s a valid question. There must be contextual information missing here that could help people give you better advice.
@liamxx7 To be honest I think many/most people who become SAHP “by choice” (ie rather than financial or other necessity) struggle with the choice; the details may be fuzzy here but I don’t think the big-picture question is unusual.
@introvertedbookworm Do you think? The SAHMs I know (myself included) generally had careers that they established in their 20s before having kids, which they then happily put on hiatus for the years they were a SAHM, before they either went back to those careers or something similar.
Although I do live in the UK and mums here generally take a full year’s maternity leave, so being off work for long stretches is already the norm here.
@liamxx7 Like you, I established a career in my 20s before deciding to stay home. But I also acknowledge that if I’d been happier in that career, there’s a decent chance I wouldn’t have left the workforce full time, and I know others who feel similarly. I don’t think this question is that weird, I guess.
@introvertedbookworm So do you also feel like you have no sense of identity? I guess it’s a weird question for me because my career was/is only a part of my identity.
@liamxx7 It is much harder to go on a hiatus in law in the States. Further, unless you’re a child genius, the youngest you may get out of law school is somewhere between 24-25 (depending on when your birthday falls and if you do college and law school straight through, which many don’t do, as they’re out getting work experience that leads them to law). So half your 20s are already sacrificed to higher education. Then you’re taking the bar and waiting for your results (6 months or so) while working in more of a paralegal function.
@ladyghosthunter My advice would be to get your degree first or wait until you think you could still finish while pregnant or with a baby. I have a MA and I'm very glad I finished even though I only worked for a year after graduating and have been at SAHM for the past 10 years. My youngest is going to be 4 next spring and I'm just now starting to take on some volunteer work again as a way to make new contacts and have some updated experience. But knowing I have this degree that will mean something to potential future employers, even if I don't go back to full time work for a few more years still, is very comforting to me. I had a few moments while completing it where I wanted to just drop out and start our family, but I do not regret waiting at all. I had my third and last at 36 and it definitely felt like enough time to grow our family.
ETA: I understand law school is a bit different, more expensive and competitive. Maybe you can find someone older who is in your chosen field to ask their advice about what a longish break would do for your career. I know someone who took about 6 years off to have her kids and is now back working full time in immigration law since her youngest started kindergarten, but I'm not sure how long she worked before taking her break- I think it was at least 5 years.
@ladyghosthunter I have a take that maybe no one has said before… Regardless of if you choose to continue with your JD, you should always make sure you have a way of supporting yourself, just in case. Of course living life in fear of worst-case scenarios isn’t what I’m recommending, just that it’s a good idea to have a plan if your spouse’s income drastically changes, or something happens. Not to be a downer but kids are expensive, and I watched my dad loose his high earning job while we were still young and luckily my mom could support us while he got back on his feet. If you need to complete your degree to be in that place, maybe you should do it. I’ve got three kids and no way would I be able to go back to school right now- but I’ve got my degree, and I could support us if I needed to.
Last piece of advice, planning is important, but there’s also no “right time” to have a child, and if you want to, you find ways to make it work.
@ladyghosthunter If I were in your shoes, I’d have a kid now. See how you like being a SAHP for a while and then decide if pursuing a new career makes sense.
@ladyghosthunter I am not a lawyer…I am a sahm for 25 years now. I always knew this was the gig I wanted. I am deliriously happy. My kids are all grown and I have a pretty relaxed but fulfilled life. I had my last baby at 40. I am 59 now with a grand baby. My life isn’t lavish but it is very comfortable. All that to say, being home with kids is wonderful IF that is what your heart wants. You can always go back to school when your kids are older, but your time to have kids does have a limit. You know, deep inside yourself, what you really want. Best wishes
@ladyghosthunter Not a lawyer, but a SAHM to one little boy and another on the way. I debated this same thing after having my first. Whether I should continue my education, something that is of high importance to me, or go ahead and plan on having #2 (For reference, my husband and I are both young and wanted to have 2-3 children). It was a lot of back and forth, debating which one should come first. In my family, the women have a history of reproductive issues. My grandma had reproductive issues and breast cancer twice. My aunt had issues with PCOS and other things to a point that she eventually got a hysterectomy. My mother had issues and passed away from cancer when I was a little girl. My sister has PCOS and has had numerous miscarriages. I got pregnant by surprise after my first and miscarried as well. With all this in mind, I asked myself “If for some reason I could only have one, which would I choose?” If going to school meant giving up having another child, which given my family’s history and our biological clocks, could very well be the case, would I be okay with that? For me, the answer was no. I knew that I would not regret having a second child, but if for some reason I chose school and missed my opportunity, I would certainly regret that decision.
All of this is not to put pressure on you or say that you can only have one, but sometimes it helps to put things into perspective so you can get a better sense of what’s important for you and your family.
