Sometimes I have regrets and sometimes I don’t

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ambassadorforchrist

New member
This is a rant on my feelings and a bit of sad and mixed emotions. I need some words of support and encouragement. Maybe even hearing some Only child experiences.

Oh man y’all. Where do I start? I was here about a year and a half ago with some really horrible perinatal depression. I was scared to have a child and was certain I never wanted to experience pregnancy again. I got a tubal (bisalp) nd my husband a vasectomy. After a 40 hour labor, preeclampsia and unplanned c section. The only way we can have more kids is through IVF.

Anyways

My daughter is one now and she is the absolute love of my life. I love her so much.. There are times I think. Did I set her up to have a childhood of loneliness? I know we say even with siblings you can be lonely which is true. However, even though I didn’t get a long with my siblings growing up there were some fun times.

My cousin who was one and done decided to have another child to give them a siblings. People I was pregnant with at the same time are already pregnant with their second kid.they all seem really happy. My thoughts when I hear a pregnancy are jealousy, sadness and little relief that it’s not me. Relief I don’t have to split my time for another baby and my daughter who already loves all my attention. I keep wondering if I’m broken in someway? I would love to believe that even if I didn’t cut my tubes I would’ve made the same OAD choice. I just don’t know why I made a choice so final during a MH crisis. My husband got a vasectomy first because he knew the invasive surgery for a tubal. The unplanned c section approved me for a tubal so I got one at the time.

I am seeing a friend this weekend who planned to have 5 kids but 7 years later she decided she is one and done. She is bringing her daughter too so maybe this will be a good visit and I will get a little glimpse of what my life will look like.

If you’re still here thanks so much for listening. Best subreddit!
 
@ambassadorforchrist I'm feeling low about being OAD this week, which I haven't for a long time. My best friend just had her second baby, another friend is days away from delivery, and another very close friend is trying for her second. I feel like there are babies all around and I'm feeling a little sad about it right now. My three-year-old would be an amazing sibling, so the fact that she almost certainly won't experience that is sad. I miss having a little baby and all the beautiful parts about raising a tiny human. On the other hand, nothing would really be that different from my first postpartum experience; we have no village, I had PPA that could reappear, and at 38.5 I'm just not sure I have the energy to do it again and be a good, healthy, present, non-resentful parent to two kids.

Just because we've made the right choice for us doesn't mean it was easy or won't sometimes be sad, and that's ok. I hope you feel a little less alone, and thanks for sharing. Your words really helped me.
 
@waltweba I felt this way every time one of my friends had a second, it seems like they were all so happy having the perfect family and I was an outcast because I know I can’t handle two. I have zero evidence to support it but it almost felt like people pity me because I’m only having one and my kid won’t have a sibling. We are all working moms and now that they all have two, our conversations are mostly about them saying it will be worth it when the kids are older and easier and they are just trying to skip past the younger years. Also, constant resentment towards their husbands because of the division of labor. Everyone has a different situation but I feel like cherish every day, even when they are hard, because I know I won’t have to go through it again.
 
@ambassadorforchrist I feel that about other people having their second kids. Most of our friends are just having other kids and i feel like it sucks for my kid, because they aren't as readily available for play dates, and it also sucks for me. Completely biased and maybe asshole opinion but I think im jealous? Idk. Its like I want that to be me but also I never want to be pregnant again. Like I miss the good parts of it and am bitter that they get to experience it again but also I dont want another human to look after.

My kid is neurodivergent and I'm bitter. I'm bitter I won't ever get the life I wanted and the do over baby I dreamed of after. It would be too much. My mental health is at breaking point, pregnancy gave me so many health conditions and my birth was traumatic.

Yesterday we went on a day trip with my kids best friend (both 2.5) and her little sibling who has just turned 1. Their mum packed half their house, had to chase after both of them and manage the pushchair, deal with the potty training toddler and the hungry baby. I get to love on both the kids because they're happy little souls, and then me and my only held hands and walked home back to a calm and quiet home. Moments like that cement it for me. I can give her the best of myself, of our finances, the most love. She comes first and another kid would be selfish of me and detrimental to her.
 
@ambassadorforchrist I'm youngest of 4 so I feel that. On my kids first birthday I decided I dont ever want her to feel on her birthdays like I felt on mine. I wanna make her feel like the most special kid in the whole world, get up early to open presents, let her choose her day. Because my parents would just pay for a party and invite kids from school I didn't really like and then I felt I had to be grateful because they spent money on me
 
@ambassadorforchrist I always remind myself that OAD is the right decision for me and my family by thinking about how much more stressful our lives would be. More stress on me, more stress for my husband, more stress on our marriage and overall happiness. Would much rather be happy than miserable adding another kid to the mix. Plus I don't want to rewind the time and start all over again... I. Won't. Do. It! :)
 
@ambassadorforchrist I’m still pregnant (getting induced Thursday!) but I feel pretty confident that I want to be one and done. Fertility issues, financial, etc are all factors, but of course it seems any OAD parent will worry that their child might be lonely.

Since I’m still pregnant, I’m pretty active in the various pregnancy subreddits. There are so many STMs that post about their toddlers adjusting poorly to the new baby, being jealous, or simply being exhausting while they are pregnant/postpartum. I’m sure they have joy, I’m sure they love their family. Family of any size is cool, no matter what your choice. However, reading those comments reminds me that just because you “give” your child a sibling, doesn’t mean it’s perfect right away (or ever). There are downsides just as much as their are upsides. For me, I don’t want to divide my attention and I can’t wait to entirely devote my time to my one baby!
 
@ambassadorforchrist Most people go into parenthood with very little understanding about how much work it actually is. My first two kids were super easy. If my third kid had been my first, she would have been my only. For the record, I have 6. Four are biological and two are adopted. My best friend is OAD and we talk a lot about the differences. She is OAD BECAUSE of me. We shared Christmases for several years and she understood firsthand how overwhelming being a parent of multiples can be. I have happily lent my kids to people to see if they like having more than one. I believe that people need to be as informed as possible and that having ONE child is just as incredible of an experience as being the parent of multiple children. Some people shouldn't have any children because they are not unselfish enough to literally give up their own choices for several years. My best friend LOVES her daughter, and their lives are incredible, but she is VERY aware that if she had decided to have more children, that would not be the case. She sees the chaos that I live (we are both ADHD, and so are our children) and feels grateful that they chose to have one, and I love that I could help solidify that decision. I knew I wanted multiple kids at 14 years old. Though I would not change a thing, I also understand that I chose a difficult road. I was fully prepared for parenthood to be complicated and I made my choice with that understanding. It's unwise to go into anything with blinders on, and with kids, you're bringing other people into the equation. I know that my life would have been significantly different if I had one kid, and I wish sometimes that I had more time with each kid, individually.
 
@ambassadorforchrist I am feeling all of this. The only times I felt I wanted a second was during some waves of postpartum hormones. Other than that, I have such a strong feeling against having a second child. Almost innate.

Like how can I possibly love my second child as much as I do my first?

My favorite parts of raising him so far are things I won’t experience having a second.

It’s such an odd conflict to have within myself. I have always thought I would want two babies. But now I’m not sure. Most of the time my gut reaction is “no - I don’t want more”

Who knows! We’ll see I guess - I hope you have a wonderful play date! It’s important to have friends in your life who are in similar positions as you.
 
@newageaquarius I could’ve written this myself! I ALWAYS wanted2 but now I have the exact same “no” gut reaction whenever I ask myself if I want another. I think I struggle with just accepting being OAD because I’m still stuck on the image I used to have of my future family (plus pressure from my mom to have another), and I do struggle with thinking that I’ll never have a little baby again now that my daughter is a toddler. But every other factor is pointing to OAD being the right choice for me. I get so excited and happy imagining the future with a family of 3!
 
@ambassadorforchrist Sending you hugs. Honestly once the kids are older family size doesn’t mean that much. I’m trying to think of it that way. I don’t talk to one of my siblings and talk with my half sister a lot…so it just depends. My parents had another child so I would have a playmate…but we fought all the time. So it just depends and it’s guaranteed. I think families of any size are great :) don’t let anyone else steal your joy.
Edit: not guaranteed 😉
 
@ashiedu This is a great point! The age gap between a newborn and a three/four year old is huge. As they grow into older children, it may be less of an issue. However, usually by teenage/young adult years, the “playmate” aspect begins to go away. Those years seems very temporary.

I was “close” to my brother (I’m 28, he’s 25) for a few years when I was in high school but that’s about it. We rarely talk or are in each others’ lives much, beyond seeing one another maybe once a month for family events. We are friendly and did share the experience of growing up together, but definitely not the most important people in each others’ lives. I’m actually so much closer to my older cousin who is more of a brother to me than my own.

A lot of people also argue “when your parents are older/die and you’re an only child you will be all alone”. I’m lucky to have both of my parents but I’m the sole executor of their estate, I’m their power of attorney, etc. Everything will be split evenly between my brother and myself but the responsibility to take care of their health and financial/legal affairs will fall to me entirely. For comfort during grief, I will definitely be turning to my husband and my close friends.
 
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