Seeking advice from people who “moved home” to be close to family

[cowgirltlc]

@gypsysoule My mom and I moved back to where she grew up when I was 2 to be closer to family. We were living in Santa Monica and West Hollywood until that time. She never regretted moving back. I cherish the years I had with my grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins growing up. Life would’ve been so different in LA and honestly I wouldn’t have wanted to grow up there. I moved back to SoCal and was there for about 8 years of my adult years and it was so tiring as a female to fit in with the constant superficial and wealthy attitudes. I moved back to where I grew up and am so glad that I did. One day your family won’t be around, and you’ve got to think about what’s important to you if you have any sort of a close relationship with them. You will always have your husband and child no matter where you are, but it’s who surrounds you that can really make an impact.

 

[seadog]

@gypsysoule Honestly I’m in this exact boat now. We absolutely love where we live. But we felt our priorities changed after kids and wanted to be near family and our network. Going to move very soon, we’ll see how it goes. I’m not expecting a lot. But it will be nice to not have to travel all the time.

 

[merem]

@gypsysoule My husband and I moved back closer to "home" after having kids. He was in the Navy so we were used to being away, but he developed a debilitating pain condition and was forced out. He landed a job about a 14 hour drive from our hometown, and we lived there for 6 years where we had both our kids. With his pain condition though, I knew we needed to be closer to my family in particular (his doesn't help us at all).

We've been here for coming up on two years now and it's different than I expected, but we're still 1.5 hours from our hometown so that is the main reason (husband couldn't find a job closer than this in his field which we totally expected). I thought I'd see more of my parents at first, but it really was only about once a month or so. But we all work and have lives, so I've learned to accept it for what it is and be grateful they help as often as they do, especially overnights with my kids.

Lately I've been putting in the effort to catch my niblings' sports events though so I'm seeing a ton more of them now, and it is just awesome seeing my kids form relationships with my parents, their uncles and aunt, and all their cousins. So I think I would have made this choice regardless of my husband's chronic pain condition, although that was the driving force.

HOWEVER, this is so dependent on your family dynamics within your own little nuclear family and your extended family. My family is amazing overall and I knew moving back they would step up to the plate for us, and they have. We also knew my husband's family would still only see us a handful of times in the year, and we'd have to make most of the effort to for that to happen. That's his family dynamic. We also were not greatly attached to the area we were living before, although I do miss it (mostly the climate, it's HOT in the south), and while I really, really hate the politics where I live now, I figured once the kids are a little older I can use my own time to try to change that since I've volunteered in politics in the past.

But to answer your question, I had zero regrets moving away from home, and now I don't have regrets about moving back. It was still a hard decision for us to make and this was something we both wanted to do. You have to weigh the pros and cons for your own family (who has better schools? Cost of living? Better career trajectories? Climate differences? Would your family actually help out, or will there be drama? etc) and you both need to be on board.

In the meantime, definitely start reaching out to find friends and build a village around you. I have a milspouse friend who is INCREDIBLE at this and introduces me to people left and right, even though I think I've lived here longer than her lol. I think your outlook may change some once you have trusted people around you. Good luck!!

 

[alvena]

@gypsysoule We recently moved back to our hometown due to the arrival of our second baby. After we had our first we managed okay but it was difficult commuting 3 hours driving and 3 hours flying to see our families. I never felt like where we lived was home for us, we had no friends left in the city (college town, everyone moved away after school) and the people were cold and standoffish. Moving back to our hometown meant increased expenses because of the cost of living and possibly less income because we weren't sure what the market was like for our careers (we both have our own businesses). Since we've moved the quality of our lives has significantly improved. My family is physically not able to help very much but even to just pop over and see them or go grocery shopping with my mom has been so wholesome. All of our friends are here so having our home filled with our friends for board games or to just come over to chat has been unreal to us. The sense of community here is amazing, the people are friendlier, the food is good, and there are better parks and schools. We finally feel like we're home. Our toddler loves the new place. One day when I picked her up from daycare I said to her "Okay honey, it's time to go home" and she said, "No home, go to the new house". She loves seeing her grandparents and cousins and definitely appreciates the parks and new scenery here. This move has been the best thing for our family. Don't get me wrong, not everything has been perfect but the good outweighs the bad for sure.

 

[trinellc]

@gypsysoule I live close to my family (25 min from parents and 35 from in laws) while my brother lives 5 hours away from us. I am a part time sahm and my mom & mil watches my son like 15 hours a week so I can work. My son is obsessed with his grandparents and being close to them is so nice. They aren't able to get out to see my brother as often and we see him even less

 

[salita]

@gypsysoule We are in a similar situation with our son who is three years old. We sold our home in Houston to travel for a few months and are now looking at moving back to the southeast to be near family and his only cousins. But I’m coming to terms with the fact that even if we do relocate to be near family, a lot of them just aren’t going to be involved. We’ve always wanted that village, too, but honestly we had it more in Houston. We will try to make new friends wherever we settle and hopefully build that village for ourselves.

 

[plantedbystreams]

@gypsysoule I have a 6 year old and 4 month old. I live 15 min from my mom and my sister (in the US), her husband and three kids who are the same ages as mine. My other sister lives in England with her partner and daughter who’s the same age as my oldest. We are a very close family despite the distance. We talk on the phone multiple times a week, message on our family what’s app all day everyday, FaceTime on the weekends etc. We really miss my sis and her family overseas but I still feel very close the them and when the kids are together they don’t miss a beat. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t live so close to my mom she helps us ALL THE TIME. Does so much I can’t even fathom parenting without having her for support. Even my dad helps when he can and he lives 3 hours away and visits a lot. He came and watched my kids while they were sick for two days so I could do some an important work meetings. My husband thinks my family is almost too close and we do drive each other nuts sometimes but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Edited to add: My sis overseas is now planning to move closer because she says she feels left out being far away. I think it’s hard for her sometimes to see us hanging out all the time even though she really loves where she is.

 

[babariches]

@gypsysoule I moved from the east to the
West coast with my 2 and 4 year old at the time. We knew no one. It was hell for years to find babysitters and even to connect with others. Now that my kids are 9 and 11 I think we have a good circle to lean on but I still am madly jealous of people with grandparents who can help out on a whim or “babysit” for free. It’s possible and the kids will turn out fine I think without immediate family nearby but you gotta work at it. Have regular contact / phone calls / visits with family to make up for the distance and to keep the kids close to them. And most of you’ll feel it around the big moments like birthdays and Christmas. The gifts and the celebrations aren’t quite the same.

I had a similar situation that we didn’t see family much before but this was when the kids were babies. When I decided to move my family freaked out. It caused a bit of a cathartic moment where I had to tell everyone how bad they were when kids were close by and no one bothered to see us. The guilt laid on me when I moved was insane. They still ask me to move back but I love it where I live. I have great friends, a great community and my children are thriving. This is worth everything to me right now. I’d rather have this than be closer to my parents!

 

[katrina2017]

@gypsysoule We were in a similar situation. We ended up moving from 13 hours away to 5 hours away from my hometown and it still took my parents 7 months to come visit their grandchild. Definitely heartbreak on my side but I have realized I will never move home ever again. I’m focusing on making where we are living a home and finding a village.

 

[fuzhouled111]

@gypsysoule I grew up in socal from all my family. I moved east as an adult. Personally, I could never do that myself. I’m really really grateful for where I grew up, but I also feel like I was robbed of the opportunity to get to know my extended family.

That was just me though. Practically, have you offered any financial assistance for those who might want to visit. Cost of travel was the primary reason I would not move back and also why no one could visit us. It was just too hard.

 

[damfr]

@gypsysoule I moved home half way across the country because I knew I wanted to start a family one day. Fast forward to now I don’t know what I would have done without the help I’m getting. Both my family and his have been amazing during my pregnancy and are helping with child care so we don’t even need to hire help. I didn’t move her assuming they would do that but even much less than this would be a huge benefit to me. I have a lot of friends who still live further away from home and although they probably live somewhere more exciting it’s way more expensive and when they have kids it’s also a big stress because all help needs to be hired. There are pros and cons to both though but this really did work for me.