Seeking advice: Dating as a coparenting single mom, in a complicated relationship

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lightspeed2slow

New member
Hi everyone,

I find myself in a complicated situation and I'm seeking some advice and suggestions. It has been a year since my separation from my ex-husband, and for the past 8 months, I've been dating someone new. The co-parenting relationship with my ex is going well, and we have managed to become friends while raising our 5 and 3-year-old children together. However, things haven't been smooth sailing in my current relationship.

To give you some context, my ex-husband and I had different visions for the future, and we ultimately couldn't make our marriage work after 10 years. He struggled with me being the breadwinner and failed to support me in my personal and professional endeavors. On the other hand, my current boyfriend is 10 years older than me, and we share many common interests due to our military backgrounds and love for adventure. However, I recently discovered that he has a drinking problem, and he also exhibits jealousy and insecurity, which he masks as "protectiveness." Additionally, he has a laid-back approach to life, often waking up after noon even when I have my kids to take care of. This lack of involvement and his drinking habits have been causing significant strain on our relationship.

I often feel alone in this situation, especially when I have work commitments or packed weekends with the kids. My boyfriend's jealousy and insecurity make it uncomfortable for him to attend work events with me, considering my male-dominated industry. Moreover, his drinking has disrupted our routine, and his bachelor-like behavior in our home has made it challenging for me to balance everything on my own. He even ruined a family vacation by getting drunk and behaving inappropriately in front of our kids. Although he has promised to stop drinking, it's only been two weeks, and I'm unsure if he will stick to it.

I feel emotionally exhausted, and I have communicated to him that his drinking and lack of routine are the main issues. However, I see little to no change in his behavior, besides him stopping his drinking recently. He often guilt-trips me, making me feel like I'm expecting too much from him. As a single mom, I wonder what I should expect from a man who isn't the father of my children. Should he step up and help me with the kids? Should he make an effort to spend time with us on the weekends? I love him, but I also prioritize the well-being of my children, my business, and my mental health. It's a tough decision to make, considering we live together.

I'm reaching out to you all for advice and suggestions. Am I being too demanding? How should I approach this situation with him? Should I consider ending the relationship? Any insights or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your support and guidance.
 
@lightspeed2slow Let me get this straight.

You waited only 4 months before getting involved with someone new.

New guy's toxic traits include: alcoholism, emotional manipulation, and irrational jealousy.

If I'm reading this correctly, this guy is also living with you.

Your kids are 5 and 3.

So to summarize, you have welcomed a man you've known for 8 months into your home where you live with your 3 year old and your 5 year old. You say you are prioritizing your children, but you're not. If you were, there would be more than 3 sentences dedicated to them in this post. If you were, you would not have a virtual stranger living with them. A virtual stranger who has a drinking problem. Yes you are expecting too much from him. You are expecting too much from your children. You are not expecting enough from yourself.

I know it's hard. It's lonely. There is a lot on your shoulders. But it's a lot easier when you aren't trying to manage the emotions of grown men.

Worst case scenario, this guy continues his alcoholism and starts hitting you or hitting your kids or abuses them in other ways. Best case scenario, you somehow get him to quit alcohol completely, he steps up as a step parent, you get married and live happily ever after. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Most likely, he'll start drinking again and you'll get tired of it and in that time, your kids will get attached and he'll start in with the emotional manipulation with them and then he'll be gone. And it will be sad, but the ones who suffer the most will be your children.

They are 3 and 5. Practically babies. This is an absolutely critical time in child development. The way they are treated now is going to affect how they relate to the world for the rest of their lives. So be very mindful of who you expose them to.

Slow your roll. Boyfriend needs to move out. Try it again in a year when your relationship is stronger if you are even still seeing him. Your kids should not be meeting your boyfriends until they are a sure thing and boyfriends certainly should not be moving in with your children after only 8 months.
 
@fredbelieves 👏👏👏 sounds like she just doesn’t want to live alone or just needs to be in a relationship. Put on the big girl panties and work on your coparenting relationship and your kids. You don’t need to be looking for a romantic relationship right away.
 
@fredbelieves Happy Cake Day, and yeah, that was my first thought when OP writes that the well-being of her kids is a priority. I don't think that involving a new partner in your kids lives while newly divorced and co-parenting is looking out for their best interest at all.

How do single parents feel so comfortable dating, let alone bringing the partner around the kids so soon. How confusing for them.

On top of all of that with the jealousy and the drinking?! It's a no brainier, get that person away from your kids and yourself.

ETA: NO YOU SHOULD NOT EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO "STEP UP AND HELP WITH THE KIDS". The kids have a father and if you're co-parenting so successfully what the hell kind of parenting do you expect from your new partner? Figure it out. Focus on your kids.
 
@aranyi_zsolt I don't think single parents shouldn't date, but I do think that they need to be much more intentional about it than if they didn't have kids. I've been single since I left my daughter's dad five years ago. I probably won't date until she's not only old enough to be home alone for a few hours but also mature enough to call the police or call a safe adult to come pick her up if something happened, and mature enough to understand when she should do one or the other.

But again, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with dating when your kids are younger as long as they are with a safe adult while you are out, you aren't introducing partners to them all willy nilly, and you aren't engaging in risky behavior. I think a lot of times people forget how vulnerable children are to not just physical harm but also mental and emotional harm. Being screamed at by a drunk guy or even just seeing someone acting drunk can be pretty damaging to a young child, and so can being disciplined by someone who is essentially a stranger or bonding with someone only for them to disappear months or years later.
 
@fredbelieves I've been single for 3 years and I'm kinda on the same plan you are. I'm a solo mom her dad passed and there is still a lot of trauma with it. I won't have a revolving door of men in her life.
 
@fredbelieves You just put everything in perspective in such a beautiful way. Another situation that may come, is kids start acting up because when they were just dealing with mum and dad not living together, they had a stranger move in... they haven't even mourned the demise of their parent's relationship, then a breather, then only be ready to get to know someone else.

As a single mother, my priority was my child and that meant waiting until we were both settled in our lives before I started dating. And he is 14, and hasn't met someone new yet. I am not saying wait as long as me but this works for us. I couldn't forgive myself if my child had to heal from anything that messed up his view of relationships or just emotional trauma. Let alone healing from what the new person brought with him. And we are both happy. Dating could take a back seat and my child first.
 
@lightspeed2slow You need to have a realistic approach to dating life. Stepparent is not required to be parenting with you unless they willingly agree to or step up, period!

At best they need to be a good example of a human being and you need to be very careful of the people you date. The things you have mentioned as the reason to get together are hardly solid reasons. Men are actually very simple, they will show you what they are so if he has shown you what kind of man he is, believe him as soon as possible. Always remember, It's not just you in the dating pool, It's your kids too.

And no, you are not asking too much, you are asking wrong people
 
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