Sad News today

[safat]

Hey fellas, new to the sub and hoping in the future I can post more exciting news but today after only about 7 wks we were told that our first attempt is likely going to be nonviable. We weren’t officially diagnosed as a miscarriage but the doctor more or less said it’s a pretty sure thing.

Some background, we are both 35 and in okay health (some chronic illness for both of us but mostly under control) and have no concerns about genetic issues or anything of that sort. This is our first go at any of this and we’re completely green.

After the first ultrasound last week, we were told the heartrate was a little low for how far along we were but not anything drastically alarming but today the heartrate was even lower and there was minimal growth. I almost knew when the fetus showed up on the ultrasound that something wasn’t right, the heartbeat was barely visible. As far as I understand it, it’s all but over. Next week is our definitive answer.

I guess my question is for the families like us who are a little older and trying to conceive now, how did it go for you guys? I know it’s common to have miscarriages the first try, or even in general but what kinds of things did y’all do to keep your spirits up? We want to try again but we’re not sure when or how that will even look. I’m also worried for my wife and what she’ll have to endure once the inevitable takes place. Her periods used to be very painful for her but got better when she was on birth control and I’m now worried that this is going to cause her a great deal of pain. Outside of being a pillar of support I’m dreading the helplessness.

Most of my friends and family have told me the only way out of the sadness is through it, and to just let myself feel, hell I know most of the process too well as a behavioral health professional, but I guess I’m just looking for folks like us who might have some wisdom to share.

Thanks for reading guys, I’m sending all my love to y’all who are feeling worried or need some extra good vibes right now.

 

[imnathaniel]

@safat Hey dude, I think something like 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. And that’s not even age-adjusted. It’s incredibly common, but people don’t tend to talk about it, especially since it tends to happen early on, before you’ve told people you’re pregnant in the first place.

That being said, just because it’s common doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely hard. You’re right to be concerned for your wife, and yourself. The fetus may have only been around for 7 weeks, but you’ve already started envisioning a whole life with that child… so in that regard it’s a huge loss. On top of that your wife’s hormones are going to be all over the place.

It sounds like you have supportive friends and family, which is fantastic. My advice is don’t just start trying again. Focus on yourselves, make sure you’re good, and only when you’re both comfortable, start again.

 

[purplequestion]

@imnathaniel It’s more than that and they think the number is an underestimate because we’re only recently beginning to detect pregnancies within a few weeks. Does that make this any less shitty? Absolutely not. My wife and I went through three (1 before our daughter, then two before this pregnancy), and each one was horrible. We’re here for you my guy.

 

[imnathaniel]

@purplequestion Yea, that’s why I specified “known” pregnancies. Women can have an especially heavy period without realizing they were pregnant and had a miscarriage.

Can’t say I’m upset being born a guy.

 

[katrina2017]

@purplequestion Yeah, for years my wife would sometimes be late and have a heavy period and we never thought anything of it until we learned more with this our first (known) pregnancy.

 

[safat]

@imnathaniel We're determined to keep trying, but we're not going to force anything either. We talked last night and I told her that I want to make sure she's feeling ready for anything we do, and to know that I'm not expecting her to just "get back to it". I want her to let me know what feels right.

We're scared for the next phase of this process too, because the doc listed to options as naturally letting it pass, using medication that will help it pass, or the D and C if all else fails. We're both hoping for au natural (trying to keep up our humor where we can) but obviously that remains to be seen too.

 

[imnathaniel]

@safat I think we wound up going with pitocin, because some stuff didn’t want to come out.

The process of passing the miscarriage was fairly traumatic for my wife, emotionally speaking.

We have two children, and were trying for a third… I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back there, but the experience kick started a mental health journey for the both of us that has been a long time coming.

 

[safat]

@imnathaniel Yeah, we're both pragmatic enough and paranoid enough (the doc talked about the rare but possible situation of infection) that we might just help nature along depending on everything, but we'll see.

A big part of our choice to wait until later to have kids was specifically because of mental health. We both have our struggles, but we've put in almost 2 decades of work combined to work on our struggles and find health ways to cope. Not to say we've got it figured out, but I shudder to think what would happen if this was going on early in our relationship.

Then ya boy decided to go to grad school to become a behavioral health professional so, immersed in that world too. Kinda funny how things work out.

 

[brady]

@safat This probably won’t help but you are definitely not in this alone. While I’m in my 30’s, my wife is her late 20’s, we had been trying for 7 months, heard a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks, 9 1/2 weeks in the little guy stopped growing. (Found out at the 12 week scan). Not much anyone says or does helps, you need to just feel it through do something like traveling to help you heal but to a place you can safely reflect. For us, that’s anywhere near an ocean. Really helped us move on to try to be kind of normal again. Still trying, so the process never gets easier. But when there is will, there is a way. Just have to stay strong.

 

[safat]

@brady I like that idea. We'd been talking about a little getaway vacation or something, so maybe we'll do that and kind of recharge the battery.

 

[proctor]

@safat Great advice. We had a few miscarriages and after each we planned a small getaway. Definitely helps. Even just the planning and having something to look foreword to helps let alone the time away to reset. Now we’re 31 weeks with an IVF pregnancy so fingers crossed.

 

[patinola]

@safat We just found out the exact same information as you 2 days ago (we were a little past 7 weeks also). And for the past 2 days we have been in a little hotel right on the beach, basically ignoring work, and occasionally talking to the few family members we had told about the pregnancy already.

It was unexplainably good to get away and not be in the same place as “pregnancy” had been happening for weeks.

It’s hard, but we know it will get better.

It will get better.

Edit: There is a subreddit for the next steps: r/ttcafterloss. There is some good stuff there, although for us it is too soon to really think about what trying again will mean.

 

[katrina2017]

@safat Really sorry to hear that.

 

[dizneyfan]

@safat Hey bud, really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m 33 and my wife is 35, and we have been trying for just shy of a year now.

She finally got pregnant this past March, and while the first ultrasound looked good, we got genetic test results back saying the baby was positive for Trisomy 21. The following ultrasound confirmed it didn’t make it.

Honestly, no one ever prepared me for how soul crushing this process could be. I wish I had good advice for you on how to keep your spirits up, but I don’t really :/. Just keep doing your best to be there for your wife, and don’t be afraid to speak up when you need support too. Therapy (for you individually and both of you) could be helpful.

My wife and I do our best to find the humor in it all, which helps a little. We are new homeowners, so focusing our efforts on improving the house, spending time with friends, etc is all a helpful distraction.

We’ve been trying to conceive even after her D and C in April, and every cycle is just more disappointment of her not being pregnant. Persistence will pay off, and we’re doing our best not to get too hung up on it all in the meanwhile.

I’m really, truly sorry this has happened to you both. I know the pain, and I don’t wish it on anyone else. Thinking of you guys- please don’t hesitate to message me if you ever wanna chat about it or shoot the shit about anything. Much love.

 

[safat]

@dizneyfan I appreciate that. It feels very surreal to me, almost like when we found out she was pregnant but reversed. I'm glad we both have therapists and are both on the books for this week, even before we got the update.

We're both semi-gallows humor so we try to laugh when we can, and we're determined to try again once we know where we stand with our current situation definitively, but it's all a matter of time and how she's feeling, after all it's her body and it's the one that has to go through all the changes and procedures.

 

[sheep19]

@safat I'm so sorry to hear that. My wife and I (both 38) had a miscarriage last year too. It was our first try. It was devastating.

I don't know which type of personality you are. Not sure if you want to hear other people's positive story or rather not hearing that at all.

If you would like to hear about other people's: don't give up hope just yet. My wife and I are now 19 weeks. Both of us are very cautious and don't want to get out hopes up.

Anyways, there are definitely people who can naturally conceive even after 35.

Sorry if I'm rambling. I just saw your post and wanted to say something.

 

[safat]

@sheep19 Thanks, it does help to hear the success stories of others, especially when they are around my age too, it is a good reminder that we're not alone out there. There's just so much negativity and misinformation around older parents, and we all know what a cesspool the internet can be, so it's hard to even find other to connect with over things like this. I truly appreciate you sharing your story.

I wish you guys the best of luck on your little one too! I'm sending you lots of positive energy.

 

[sheep19]

@safat Stay stronger, my internet brother

 

[iamwhoiam4now]

@safat Sorry to hear that. Just know that they unfortunately do happen (miscarriage) and there’s nothing wrong that you or your wife did that caused it.

Moments like this are real and you just have to be there for each other to grieve the loss. You’ll know when you’re ready to try again when the time comes but for now the most important thing is to support each other.

 

[perfect786]

@safat I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you both are able to process your grief in a healthy way. Talk to each other, and it's never a bad idea to remind your wife that it's not her fault and she's doing a great job. And it's not your fault, either.

If you're interested, for general older parent questions you could try r/OldManDad - I think you'd get some helpful supportive answers there. Best of luck.