I missed another first and I’m really sad about it

[solatkarich]

@sweelmeister Agreed!

 

[phyllis17]

@dezzy My husband and my MIL gave my son his first at home bath. They did it not thinking about it, because I was exhausted and had really bad anxiety and PPD. It was one of those situations where you couldn’t tear me apart from my son, but being around him gave me so much anxiety I would be visibly shaking. So one day, I had a migraine so Ieft my husband and my son at my in laws house and went down the street to our house to nap. When I got back, he was all fresh and clean, smelled so good, was in new clothes with a fresh diaper, wrapped up ready for cuddles with a bottle in the warmer. I hate that I missed bath time that first time, but my MIL didn’t know it was the first and my husband is just trying his best to take care of me now every bath time is still just as special as the first, and looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have been upset because it seems so small in the rear view mirror. We miss things, but it just makes what we’re there for so much more special

 

[solatkarich]

@phyllis17 I had various levels of PPD with ALL of my kids. I couldn't care for my newborns properly because I couldn't even care for ME properly. My husband bulldozed over me and took over on my really bad days. Thank God he did, too! My first two children weren't too bad. The next two were concerning. The last child? Ohhhhh Lord!! It was BAD!! My husband was the one caring for her every need except food for nearly two weeks. All I did was breastfeed. Once my meds leveled out my emotions, I could take over again. It was SOOOO SCARY, though...

 

[flyingsquirrel20]

@dezzy Oh man this would be so tough. I teared up thinking about how cute he must have been when he first saw them, but also at the thought of how bummed I would be if I were in your shoes.

 

[tmarcee]

@dezzy I just wanted to say that the “wee-ooh” thing is soo adorable and I hope it’ll be a while before your kiddo drops it!

My girl used to call dogs “woh-wohs” to imitate the barks they made. It was the cutest thing and I loved it so much! But then suddenly she started referring to them as dogs. I still tried to keep it up by saying “look X, there’s a woh-woh!” And she responded “dog!” And I was like aww man okay hahah!

 

[veganbro4]

@dezzy Sending care your way! I definitely get it down to the awesome MIL part. It still stings sometimes, even in a best case scenario.

One thing that also helps me is to do a "dad test" where I wonder if my husband would feel guilty about things like this. No, he wouldn't because he's showing love through an act of service providing for the family just like me. Even though I wish I could have more of that quality time and miss less of these moments, I can't change my situation and try to make the best of the ones I can be there for. That's what my Dad always did for me, and I have just as many distinct positive memories with him as I do with my SAHM. Hope this is encouraging.

 

[unidentified]

@dezzy Awww think of it like going somewhere like the Grand Canyon or Disney World. Are you less excited the second time you go? No way! You're freaking excited every time. Maybe even more so the second time because you know it's going to be amazing.

 

[dcouchotvore]

@dezzy Sometimes I’d gift my kid’s “firsts” to other family members, especially the grandparents, and imagine their faces back when I or my husband was a baby and how joyous we made our parents.

 

[solatkarich]

@dcouchotvore Huh. I never thought about this in such a way. Thank you for that! I LOVE gaining new perspectives of situations...

 

[christiant]

@dezzy This is so amazing to read. My husband and I had him out of wedlock (story for another day) while he was in the last 2 years of university so our son has been with me everyday (he was born just before Covid). He is 4 turning 5 but still loves pretending he is a tiger or an elephant, he has a cat that my husband and I got him since he is an only child and up until a few months ago the only grandson on my husband's side so he isn't completely alone and since I'm a SAHM, I always try and find new things to do like today with it raining so much and we have glass stack doors in our bedroom that looks into our garden and my son has decided that he is Batman today so I made a fort and called it the Bat Cave, while pretending to be Alfred.

Last month, my MIL asked my husband if it would be alright if they could take my son with on their holiday in June, it's a safari trip for 8 days and they will be flying there, (we live in Cape Town and the closest one is a four hour drive from Johannesburg). My first reaction was that I don't want him to go and I kept changing because I knew he would love it but we have never been more than a drive apart or longer than one night. I can't help thinking about all the firsts that I'll miss or worry about the things that could happen even though I know my in laws would take care of him and I understand that this is probably separation anxiety especially since I know it's going to happen soon. Also, I was used to living in a lively house with kids running around and laughter and now the house is so quiet and it's really terrible for someone suffering from depression. My husband usually wakes up at 6 leaves the house by 7 then goes to gym after work so I only see him by 7 or close to 8 in the evening, my son comes home from school by 4 so I'm alone for 9 hrs and that's already a long time and I'm trying to occupy myself but doing courses and all that but I know it's going to be tough when he leaves.

Anyway, I'm deviating. I have decided to make a better effort of being fine with the idea of him leave for a week but I can't help just thinking about it when I'm alone or when he runs to me and hugs me out of the blue. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Is it always this difficult?

 

[arjina]

@dezzy DD took her first steps in our church’s nursery, and I didn’t believe the nursery attendant when he told us about it. Then, a couple days later, she took a step in our house. It happens! Even to SAHMs. Sigh.

 

[rudy2008]

@dezzy I feel you exactly! My mom’s group set up a fire station tour and I was so excited for my fire truck-loving kid (also calls them “wee-oohs”). We even bought poster board and fire truck stickers and decorated a thank you sign for them as a play date. Then the date got moved and I had a work meeting. Husband was able to take him and he had such a great time but I was bummed to miss it

 

[gichuru12]

@dezzy I hear so much about MIL's being nasty or spiteful, and I'm glad this isn't another story. I understand how that would hurt, but I definitely still take him to that thing! He'll probably still love it, and you'll be there to experience it, too!

 

[dave858]

@dezzy You can still take him later this month and he will still love it- it will still be your first

I know it stings trust me! Been there so I do empathize. I will say my son is 7 my daughter just ten months-

My father in-law died when he was 5 and my mother in-law died two weeks after my daughter was born..Both werent even 70.

I am extremely thankful we have the short memories do!

 

[cedars]

@dezzy My husband is a firefighter. My 2yo sees the trucks often. It never gets old. I got my husband a glass that says "I still play with trucks". He, as a grown man, gets excited when we drive past different types of firetrucks. Your son will have just as much fun when you take him as he would have. His face will light up the same. I'm sorry for what you're feeling, and I can understand feeling sad about missing a "first". Your day bringing him won't be any less fun, though.

 

[zmoore]

@dezzy You sound like a wonderful mom. It can be hard to feel your own feelings and not show them in front of the kiddos. And, of course, MIL only meant well. I had a NICU baby and missed out on so many firsts because of it. First bath, first successful bottle, first Halloween, etc. It just feels sad to miss firsts.

Do you ever see "touch a truck" events in your area? We've taken my son to a couple of them (he's still so little, he can't actually touch the trucks much yet), and they're so cool! The drivers hang out with the kids and give them cool little merch and they get to get up in the trucks and honk the horns. We've seen everything from police, fire, EMS, garbage trucks, tanks, tow trucks, semis, farm equipment, bulldozers, just all the trucks. My son is obsessed with anything that has wheels, he soaks it all in.

 

[ikilama]

@zmoore This plus there’s quite a bit of fire stations that do trunk or treats at Halloween too!

 

[mh86]

@dezzy Aw I’m sorry. It is hard when you miss out on those special moments. I know it won’t be the first, but he’s going to have so much fun with you at that breakfast!

 

[solatkarich]

@dezzy Oh, hon! I can relate SOOOOO MUCH! I'm disabled. I have been since my early 30s. My kids were still older children and teens then. My in-laws and other family members/loved ones have done so many "firsts" for or children and grandchildren.

I comfort myself in this way...

AT LEAST, the kiddos got to do something. My sister taught 2 of our children to ride bikes. Other family members have taken our kids fishing, hunting, camping, etc. I'm SO GRATEFUL they got to do these things! It HURTS, though. I'd rather my children and grandchildren get to do these things, even if I'm the one who can not give them that experience. Again... IT HURTS!!! It's better than them not having those experiences at all.

Try to focus on the kiddos having experiences regardless of who does this for them. You can make more core memories in other ways. Please, don't be so hard on yourself!

EDIT: Four of my kiddos called railroad crossings "RRX BIG BUMP" because of the signs near the tracks. I can't tell you how many times I drove around town just to cross over all of the train tracks I could find lol. They LOVED the trains and ADORED the bump of the car going over the tracks!

 

[milos]

@dezzy Awww yea I'd feel the same way. I think ahead about return to work and it makes me so sad that I'll miss out on things but I'm looking forward to toddler babbles.