People who “diagnose” themselves with fertility issues before they even start trying

@rawralphadawg When you’re over 40, trying for a year or even 6 months is not required. The guideline is to try for a year under age 35, 6 months age 35-39, and to go immediately to the doctor at 40+. At 41 she is very likely to struggle - even an IVF cycle is only successful 13% of the time at that age. It’s not really an irrational worry situation.
 
@sisi My issue is the definition of “try”. Having sex once a month at random isn’t really “trying”. We see the same RE and the criteria is supposedly 12+ months of unprotected, timed sex with tracking for under 35 and 6+ months for over 35. I get that she is being seen before me because of age. My “complaint” was more with her saying she relates to my struggle when she really doesn’t.
 
@rawralphadawg Just saying that she's not really gaming the system, and it really would be a waste of time for her to try for a year at 41 unless she made that decision fully aware of the odds, because time at that age is precious. I would be surprised if that was truly the standard at your RE - does that apply even to a 45-year-old, for example? At what point does it not? It just wouldn't make sense because there's a point in the human lifespan at which there's not an expectation that trying unassisted is going to give results, and the formal guidelines put that at 40 for a reason. At 41, your odds of conceiving spontaneously are comparable to someone who has been trying for a year at your age, barring some specific diagnoses. I get that your own situation sucks and is frustrating, and you have a right to all your feelings about it, but it's just not true that she "should" try for a year or six months, tracking or not, and I think you are really underestimating the odds she is facing.
 
@sisi My whole point was someone who hasn’t actually been “trying” (My RE and I both define trying as timed intercourse with OPK and/or BBT tracking) claiming they have been and saying they relate to what I’ve been going through.
 
@manitouscott We are planning to start TTC next month. Knowing my history, I wouldn’t jump to say I am infertile but I am assuming I am. I have not been diagnosed officially with PCOS (doctor isn’t sure) but bloodwork shows something is going on. I get 1-2 periods per year. Currently on CD 67 with no ovulation.
 
@manitouscott Idk, I recently started TTC. But I also have an autoimmune disease that I needed a lumbar and pelvis MRI for. By chance, they found I have a bicornuate uterus. My obgyn said she wouldn’t look more into it “until I start having a bunch of miscarriages.” Until. But she said it would make it harder for me to conceive and carry to term. Because of this, we started TTC a few years earlier than we would’ve wanted. But I also don’t go around saying I’m infertile or anything. I’m in the first few months, so it may be a non-issue. But I did join TTC groups (not infertility groups) to learn more about it.
 
@manitouscott I can speak for the other side. As someone who knew they would have trouble before starting and before any diagnosis we are know 15months in with a blocked tube on a sonohysterogram, PCO on that @spiritualtranscendence, and thyroid antibodies. All things I had no idea about and have regular periods. Sometimes a gut feeling is right and need to be proactive in talking and processing info.
 
@shudew It's called confirmation bias. A gut feeling is not a tool to see the future. Like 90% of the people with only a feeling like this will get pregnant (like the normal % of the population). There are also quite a lot of people who don't expect issues and end up with severe ones.
 
@manitouscott From the time I was a teenager I thought I would have problems. And I both did and didn't (I can get pregnant, it just take time and patience). However, I think this is a huge fear of a lot of women. Is it being super aware of woman who actually have fertility issues? No. But, when it starts to take upward of a year or more it does start to feel like something is wrong with you even if it's technically a "normal" amount of time to conceive.

That said, I don't talk about pregnancy with anyone (outside of reddit😅) - including my pregnant sister, cousins, etc - it's just asking for added stress (like my sister who has gotten preg TWICE the first month trying - luckily she's totally chill, non braggy, NEVER ever offers advise, etc). I think people are on team get preg quick or team it takes longer then you were originally led to believe...and neither can understand the other side.
 
@manitouscott Somewhat off topic but related to some of the comments here, if you’re suspecting PCOS or other health conditions that might inhibit your ability to conceive, I recommend bringing it to your OB for testing as soon as possible. I always suspected PCOS with myself based on my cycles and had fear it would make TTC difficult for me. My fertility testing (which we did at 8 mo. because of my irregular cycles) revealed it in my ultrasound. If my OB had coded some of the tests as diagnostic for PCOS they would have been covered by my insurance but since I really only brought up the infertility I had to pay for all the tests out of pocket. The tests that revealed the PCOS that I kind of always suspected would cause me difficulty when the time came for me to TTC.
 
@manitouscott I’m guilty of this as well however I have blood work to back up the fear. The clinic has yet to set a diagnosis but based on the blood work, Dr. Google has somewhat confirmed my fear which in fact is why we are ttc as soon as possible.
 
@manitouscott I also was sort of one of these people. Basically it was always a fear in my head that I regularly talked to my husband about. My family seems to span between being unicorns (1 -3 cycles) or infertile( >4+ years with multiple rounds of IVF) without much in-between.

Edit: the fear of infertility only manifested when we didn’t conceive in the first 6 months. I never spoke to anyone but my husband about this fear.

Edit 2: I think that people that are close to those who struggle feel the pain too. And it makes us not want to encounter that experience. I remember getting told ‘Don’t ask when your brother is having kids’ it sucks for them and for those of us cheering for them. I know I have gotten a ton of downvotes but as someone who was close to a couple with infertility I felt 1/100000 of their pain. I wanted to be able to talk to my brother and sister in law. So I started researching ivi and Ivf just on the chance they would talk to me about it. And then when we didn’t conceive right away you had better bet all my research started to scare me. Not right away but it did.
 
@manitouscott To be fair, I assumed I would have fertility issues because of all the problems I had with my period from the time it started. I always knew something was wrong (it was PCOS, undiagnosed for 20 years). I remember mentioning my assumption in a group of friends, of which two were discussing their fertility treatments, and got a verbal slap in the face about how I shouldn’t say that and I was wrong and didn’t understand.

Guess what! Infertility! I was absolutely right, something had always been wrong and I was always brushed off by friends, doctors, my parents, etc. Sometimes, people can sense that something is off with their body, and it doesn’t hurt to listen….it would be nice if doctors would finally start listening. Maybe some of us wouldn’t have to try and fail for so long before finally getting a diagnosis.
 
@pdj Having symptoms that warrant a check with a doctor is totally valid. But what your describing is typical confirmation bias. For everyone that is there that is worried most of them will conceive quickly anyway (like the people OP talks about). And there are tons of people who don't think they will have an issue and they have. A feeling it's not a premonition, thinking like that sounds like an unhealthy health-anxiety.
Yes doctors should absolutely listen to valid concerns. But most people with irregular cycles conceive just fine.
You were not brushed off by your friends though. It's just really not cool to complain about a yet unproven fear to people who already line that reality. Would you vent about being afraid of cancer to a friend who is currently getting cancer treatment? Would that be okay? No. Also absolutely not okay.
 
@s3anreilly I had a lot of valid concerns about my cycle and a long list of other symptoms (which I didn’t understand were all related)….they were always brushed off and PCOS was never mentioned. What I had was nearly every single symptom of PCOS. It definitely wasn’t “oh I have a feeling about this” but much more “wow, these are a lot of concerning symptoms surrounding hormonal stuff and thats not good.” In the discussion with friends I realized that many symptoms they mentioned were all the things I had, and I was kind of connecting the dots. I certainly never complained about something unproven, I expressed concern about similar symptoms (wow, maybe I should talk to my doc about this). While I understand that my personal situation was quite a bit different than what OP mentioned, I did feel like I was grouped in with the people who just “assume” or “have a feeling” before I was ttc. It’s a shame that possible issues surrounding fertility get an eye roll if a person isn’t actively ttc, like people who aren’t at that point in life don’t deserve to have conversations and the knowledge that comes with ttc. I agree many people need some sensitivity training surrounding infertility, but maybe they would understand better if we listened to them and imparted some of our knowledge.
 
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