People who “diagnose” themselves with fertility issues before they even start trying

[manitouscott]

Seriously, why is that a thing? I’m obviously not talking about diagnosed health conditions that can make people justifiably concerned about their fertility. But I just had an argument with a friend who is about to start TTC, and is absolutely convinced she’s going to be infertile because of her “allergies” (i.e. lactose intolerance). (I really hope she won’t find this post, but screw it.) This comes a few months after my other friend told everyone that she just knew she would struggle because of her (self-diagnosed) PCOS, and got pregnant literally on her first try.

So then, when they inevitably get pregnant within a few months, they see it as some sort of personal achievement and think they can offer you advice. “This is because I’ve been taking lots of vitamin D!” Right, good for you. I swear there’s nothing you can tell me about TTC that I don’t already know. And you haven’t magically overcome infertility – you’re just an average person, and infertility was all in your head to begin with.

I just don’t understand why people do this. I know TTC is stressful, and I also found the first few months anxiety inducing (now I’m just dead inside lol), but infertility is not some kind of club that’s really cool to be part of. Hell, I have absolutely no interest in joining it even though we’re on cycle 10 so it’s looking more and more likely. Can people just stop?!

EDIT: This thread’s attracted a lot of comments along the lines of “but I have x/y/z that can affect fertility” – again, that’s not what I meant! There are obviously conditions that can affect fertility and make people anxious before they start trying, which is completely understandable. It’s the unfounded infertility claims that are baffling to me – and even if you have health anxiety (again, understandable), sharing your anxious thoughts with people who are actually struggling just comes across as tone deaf.

 

[judenshabbot]

@manitouscott People know so little about fertility, and almost any medical condition someone somewhere has written on the internet that it affected their fertility. Health anxiety latches onto this. The fear gets real. It’s a feeling even if it’s not a reality.

It really does get to me when someone thinks that being afraid of infertility is the same as infertility though. It’s just not the same fucking thing. I struggle to muster the empathy when someone is trying to relate to me based on a hypothetical future fear of infertility, especially for extremely common conditions that so many people have.

I was totally afraid of infertility (endometriosis, myometrial infection, oh a couple heart surgeries too I guess...). Then, almost two years of trying, turns out our fertility is actually not great. That was an entirely different experience than worrying about infertility.

 

[mariamelody]

@judenshabbot To be fair, the US medical system does help keep people from being needlessly anxious either. At 36 after 7 months of trying my PCP actually told us that there was nothing that could be done and the next step is IVF which is “too expensive for most people”. It took us 2 years to finally get a PCP and OB who would refer us to a RE. Until we went to a RE, we were told none of the other levels of care would try anything less invasive.

 

[judenshabbot]

@mariamelody No experience with the US medical system personally. Here it's a more "just keep trying" mentality overall, kind of placating fear and deferring patients with the hope that they get pregnant in the meantime. There's no insurance for IVF in my province and it isn't available in our geographic area. Not really an option for most people, my family doctor hasn't mentioned it yet.

 

[sherri198128]

@judenshabbot Dead on -- it's a valid concern but it's NOT the same as experiencing it.

 

[jdnaman]

@judenshabbot Yeah I think the anxiety is totally normal and valid, but how people choose to express it (like have some sensitivity for chrissakes) is what determines if they’re being a thoughtless asshole or not.

 

[katrina2017]

@manitouscott I’m sorry you have been dealing with this. Thank you for sharing. This will be my first month of really trying and I can have tendencies to think the worst or self diagnose. This put me in check and I appreciate it.

 

[copyneko]

@katrina2017 I can say that I’m in a similar boat, and I think a lot of the reason is because so many of my friends and family have been very open with me about their struggles. Fortunately, a preconception visit with my GYN made me feel more confident, but also gave me a good reminder that you shouldn’t assume the worst. I appreciate posts like this because like you said, it’s a good way to check myself and be more understanding of other’s experiences.

 

[jnmuthee]

@manitouscott “Effortless perfection?” You lower the bar so any achievement can seem like an achievement but yet at the same time it’s effortless.

 

[soulprosperity]

@manitouscott I feel like some women want to project “the worst case scenario” so that if/when it does happen they can feel like they have some control over that. They can say: “I knew it!” And if/when it doesn’t happen, and they get pregnant easily and without assistance, they can still feel like they faced some imagined/ invented adversity. I definitely felt way more concerned about potential infertility early on, and after not getting pregnant after four months of unprotected sex (but not really timing sex or knowing we weren’t supposed to use lube or go in the hot tub lol...we’ve learned a lot since then.) We’ve now been trying for 5 cycles of timed sex / really going for it and despite no pregnancy to speak of, I’m much calmer, just trying to keep a level head.

 

[aiyacha]

@manitouscott *Stares in lactose-intolerance confusion*

 

[manitouscott]

@aiyacha Yep, she was sending me articles on food sensitivities affecting fertility due to “chronic inflammation” and such, coming from some sort of chiropractic/alternative medicine pseudoscientific websites. I’m sure she’ll tell me all about her magic fertility diet when she inevitably gets pregnant next month (She’s a good friend and I love her but I’m extra salty today lol)

 

[chrislaforest]

@manitouscott Oh my fucking god. . . Dietitian here, and this fertility diet shit REALLY gets under my skin!!! How annoying!

 

[judenshabbot]

@chrislaforest Being an RD and in fertility forums can be a real head shake haha. I just can't even with some of the things.

 

[aiyacha]

@manitouscott I almost want to bring this up to my extremely reasonable family doctor and watch her head explode

 

[edwardsson]

@manitouscott I understand how inflammation from food sensitivities can affect fertility, but the solution is usually to simply avoid whatever you're sensitive to.

 

[sunflower39]

@manitouscott Well I’m lactose intolerant and I have PCOS. It obviously MUST be connected

 

[saturnnights]

@manitouscott Yes, it’s annoying!! I think some people genuinely have a lot of anxiety around TTC even before they start. So the conjure up all of these scenarios of what could go wrong and of course infertility is one of them. I also think some are preparing others for the “worst”. It’s like they are preemptively preparing themselves and others for a longer wait between announcing their pregnancy and actually getting pregnant — a bit like preparing for failure, although I do not believe infertility is failure. Then of course we have some attention seekers and some who just don’t understand the implications of what they are saying and more!! Either way, it’s annoying hearing it, especially when you’re actually going through infertility yourself.

 

[manitouscott]

@saturnnights That’s a really interesting point re. preparing people for the “worst”! I can actually understand that. I was the opposite when we were starting – I excitedly told a few people that we would be TTC like it would happen straight away. Now I’m pretty embarrassed about it and wish that I didn’t mention anything, because it means all of those people know that we’re “failing” (for lack of a better word).

 

[quakapedia]

@manitouscott This was me. I was on hormonal BC since I was 14 and I honestly had no idea about my fertility. I didn't even know if I could ovulate. So it's honestly scary, and I spent MONTHS just preparing for the worst when I was about to come off BC. However, instead of going around saying I was infertile or having issues, I took a blood test. I was able to get pregnant literally right away, but I miscarried right away, so now I'm just back to preparing for the worst as we go forward to try again.

I'm like, nobody is that lucky lol. I spend my life now in a perpetual cycle of preparing for the worst. It's nuts to think about it.