My son is 19 months old, and it’s been so much fun watching him grow. I’m not a baby person, but most of the time I love being with him! I had SEVERE SPD during my pregnancy, to the point that my hips separated more than someone who went through L&D and a vaginal birth (I had a planned C-section and never went into labor). I also had PPA/PPD, which I expected and went through treatment for. I saw my OB for my yearly checkup, and asked if she thought the SPD would come back in a second pregnancy. She said she’s never had a patient who had it as severe as I did with a first pregnancy, and it would likely be worse in a second pregnancy. I CANNOT go through that again. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy before getting hit with SPD, and it got excruciatingly worse. The point of my post is while we likely would be OaD anyway, I feel like the choice of deciding to be OaD was taken away from me. I have friends who are pregnant with/trying for their second kids, and while I don’t want to ever go through that again I’m also slightly sad. My husband and I said we wouldn’t officially come to a decision until our son is 3 or 4, but we’ve basically made our decision and started donating all of his newborn stuff we won’t need again. My husband assured me that he’s fine with just the one, he doesn’t want me to go through another horrific pregnancy and he just adores our son. Has anyone else had the OaD decision made for them and you didn’t get much of a choice in the matter? I 100% only want our son, but I’m still slightly sad about it.
OaD decision made for me
- Thread starter earlw
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@earlw I had a severe hernia that required surgery and mesh put in place. The doctor said I could get pregnant again but the mesh doesn’t expand like our stomach muscles do so it would feel like intense ripping as the baby grew and then I would probably need another surgery to repair it afterwards. While we were also likely one and done having the decision made for me and knowing I can’t change my mind made me so so sad. I cried uncontrollably before the surgery knowing it’s all over. While I didn’t enjoy pregnancy, knowing I don’t get to experience any of those moments again is so so sad for me.
You’re not alone. Hugs!
You’re not alone. Hugs!
And I completely understand - it makes me wish I enjoyed being pregnant more.stronglady
New member
@earlw To an extent, yes. I grew up with A LOT of neglect and abuse. I was also parentified. I deal with anxiety and depression, and even when those are well managed, I get overwhelmed easily. My overwhelmed response is identical to my trauma response, which is deeply unpleasant.
Some days it is really hard to be the mom I want to be to one kid. I think if I had another, there’s a much higher likelihood that I would perpetuate the intergenerational cycle of abuse on both kids, and end up loathing myself and feeling suicidal just like my mom.
I didn’t choose to be abused as a kid, and to that extent the decision to have just one child was made for me before I was even born.
Some days it is really hard to be the mom I want to be to one kid. I think if I had another, there’s a much higher likelihood that I would perpetuate the intergenerational cycle of abuse on both kids, and end up loathing myself and feeling suicidal just like my mom.
I didn’t choose to be abused as a kid, and to that extent the decision to have just one child was made for me before I was even born.
@stronglady I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what that feels like. I also suffer from anxiety and depression and feel like I’d be at my wits end with two, so I understand in that respect.
katrina2017
New member
@earlw I am struggling with what I assume is SPD. It was rough starting at 14 weeks and I’m now nearing 25 weeks. PT has done very little for me. It’s solidifying my decision in being OAD. I’m taking in this factor among other health issues to be at peace with my decision. I also can’t imagine raising more than one kid at a time-being someone who can’t multitask lol.
I’m also arguing if I ever change my mind that adopting, surrogacy, and fostering are other options. But I’m going to talk to my OB about sterilization at my next appt.
You’re not alone!
I’m also arguing if I ever change my mind that adopting, surrogacy, and fostering are other options. But I’m going to talk to my OB about sterilization at my next appt.
You’re not alone!
@katrina2017 PT helped me more AFTER I had my son - I felt normal again by December 2020 (he’s a July 2020 baby). So don’t rule it out entirely and know it’s possible to feel better! If yours is as severe as mine was, advocate for a planned C-section - my OB said I could have damaged myself severely if I pushed him out.
I wish surrogacy and adoption weren’t so expensive!! That’s what we’ve discussed if we ever decide we want another one, but we don’t have that kind of money just laying around.
I wish surrogacy and adoption weren’t so expensive!! That’s what we’ve discussed if we ever decide we want another one, but we don’t have that kind of money just laying around.
markdavidverghese
New member
@markdavidverghese I know the feeling - I COULD do it again, but suffering for almost a year to make it happen would be awful. And I don’t want to regret a second kid for how awful the pregnancy is.
