No one takes birth trauma and current financial state seriously

[lisajaner]

My son is 5.5 months old. He’s my absolute world and I’m so happy. But if you take a look at my post history, it was nothing like that a few months ago.

My pregnancy was good until it wasn’t - induced for pre-e. Baby was skinny, small and needed respiratory assistance at birth, born completely purple. Totally traumatizing. He never gained weight sufficiently for the first 2 months because I stubbornly breastfed when it wasn’t working for us. I was a wreck with anxiety 24/7 about his weight - I was constantly waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and that I’d lose him. Husband and I still can’t look at photos of him prior to 3.5-4 months old. He was so skinny. Felt like I was doing everything wrong.

I would be happy being OAD, but I know part of myself wants another, but we both agree that we could give our son an incredible life with how finances are.

Could we do that for two? Are we willing to take care of two? Finding time for us is hard enough now. It’d be impossible with two. Right now if one needs a break, they can have it while one has the baby. Not possible with two.

Do we want to go through pre-e again, with a potentially small baby and feeding difficulties again? Do I want to potentially have PPA again?

But when I bring up these concerns with anyone, I’m written off. “Baby was fine, pre-e is common, be happy you’re both healthy”. “You never have enough money, you’ll always find an excuse not to.”

No one gets it. I know he’s healthy, but it was terrifying. I lived in terror from the moment he was born and not breathing. But I’m written off because he was fine and it wasn’t a big deal.

Idk. Just venting.

 

[timedragon1]

@lisajaner The whole “oh you won’t remember it” line regarding birth trauma is bullshit. I have no desire to put my body through another 9 months of hell and lose myself or my marriage in the process.

 

[treasale]

@timedragon1 Seriously, whenever someone tells me that I will forget,... seriously, why telling that? no, don't treat me like a 5 years old, I know what I am saying and what I want and I won't suffer from amnesia

 

[lgonz]

@timedragon1 Mt kid is 17 and I still remember PRECISELY where my labor pains were.

 

[emilyd]

@lgonz My only is also 17 and I remember every single detail of the birth and recovery. It was pretty bad.

 

[tornado16]

@timedragon1 How could I forget? Every day I am confronted with the fact that my body is different and even though it was nothing to write home about pre pregnancy I really really hate how I look now.

And I had a relatively easy pregnancy. But was also over 40 when I got pregnant

 

[escaconhump1984]

@timedragon1 Son is almost two and i still get the heebie jeebies when i walk by the maternity section at target. I still can’t eat a lot of the foods i ate before pregnancy.

 

[katrina2017]

@timedragon1 Seriously! People always told me I’d forget. No I never once forgot what my birth was like nor did I ever forget my pregnancy. There’s certain triggers that bring me back to those moments and they don’t make me happy either.

 

[preston1982]

@timedragon1 Same here!!!! I had a traumatic birth as well! and fuck that never again!!!! we almost died!! my baby and I ! thankful 5yrs later we are happy and both healthy!

 

[lagc]

@timedragon1 That line of thinking makes zero sense in any other context. Would we tell anyone that experienced any kind of trauma that "you won't remember it!!"

Victims of gun violence, rape, war, illness Etc.

Imagine...

It's just another example of society minimizing women.

 

[katrina2017]

@timedragon1 This!!!
I’ve had an awful pregnancy. Just awful. I’m currently 38 weeks and 5 days. Everyone is telling me that it’ll all be worth it when I hold my baby. I’m not doubting that at all. I am so excited to meet my son. But would I do it AGAIN? NO! My friend just said that “you won’t remember” all the morning sickness in the first trimester after he comes out. What about the vomiting that I’m still having? What about knowing the ER staff by first name because I’m in there so often? What about crying on the floor covered in puke for the entire 9 months? I am so tired of hearing people say that I won’t remember.

 

[timedragon1]

@katrina2017 Hang in there mama - you are almost there!!

(And then you never have to do it again if you don’t want to )

 

[karenb53]

@lisajaner I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm so sorry people are discounting your trauma. Sadly, I've seen other women post here stating the same thing. You deciding that you are not willing to go through it again is absolutely sane and reasonable.

In the US, giving birth is one of the most dangerous things a woman can do.

 

[robertgreen92301]

@lisajaner I had birth trauma, if I had a pound every time someone said "but shes here and healthy now" or "all births are traumatic" or some other bullshit like that, I might have been able to afford better therapy lol. It's like as soon as the baby is in you, your own needs come second in the eyes of everyone else. You tore? Who cares, baby was a healthy weight! You had really bad morning sickness? But it was all worth it tho right

 

[newday1]

@robertgreen92301 The “but it was all worth it in the end” comment absolutely kills me. Because…yes of course I love my son with my whole heart. I’m so glad he’s here. I can’t picture life without him. But to say all my pain, suffering and trauma (that I still live with daily) was worth it, just completely invalidates my experiences and my feelings towards it. I had a doctor say to me “oh dear, I can see from your notes that you had a tough birth, oh well…I guess no good deed goes unpunished” and it’s just like. No, actually, that’s not how we feel about it.

 

[neuroclusterbrain]

@robertgreen92301 Oh my god. I would love for someone to make those comments to me. I’d full on trauma dump on them and guarantee they’d change their minds. F people that think every birth is as traumatic as the next.

 

[ryanmartin]

@robertgreen92301 Oh god nothing pisses me off more than the people who want to rugsweep everything with the sOooOo wOrTh iT comments

 

[7trees]

@lisajaner Hey, I get it. I hear you. I believe you.

 

[tracy269]

@lisajaner I could have written this post myself. My horrible pregnancy/birth/postpartum is the reason we are OAD. Just tell people “we’re happy with the family we have”. And leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone intimate details of your life or explanations. I get the comment “just wait, you’ll forget all of this and want another soon!!”. I promise you, I will not.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@tracy269 I agree to just keep it short and sweet, if you WANT to say anything at all. It DOES NOT need to be open for discussion (unless you want talk about it). I have discussed some of my post-partum trauma with my family and close friends, but anyone outside of that is NOT getting those details. Luckily, no one has been dismissive towards me or tried to "persuade me" if I mention I'm only having one child, but I also would have ZERO problem shutting a conversation down if I don't want to have it!