No one takes birth trauma and current financial state seriously

[writergirlrs]

@lisajaner I had pre-e that didn’t resolve for over an month after birth. Pre-e doesn’t get the attention it deserves. It puts you at a higher risk for hypertension and heart issues later in life.

Also, anyone dismissing Pre-e should have to be put on a mag drip.

 

[professorphrink]

@writergirlrs Mine was so bad I ended up in the cardiac ICU! The admitting ER doc and the cardiologist were adamant that my medical records reflect “severe presenting postpartum pre E” because they didn’t trust anyone to take it seriously enough. We saw a perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doc) and she basically said go have a seat before you die in regards to a second pregnancy. All to say I see you and people are ignorant beyond belief!

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@writergirlrs Yes, it has lifelong consequences! Yes, other people risk having more children, despite previous pregnancy complications, and that is their choice. Not everyone is okay taking a gamble on their health, and their baby's health, by attempting another pregnancy.

 

[lisajaner]

@ababwaalijaz This is where I’m at. I’ve been told by my OB that my risk of getting pre-e again is there, but that taking aspirin reduces it and so does the fact it didn’t develop until 37 weeks in this pregnancy.

But I really, really don’t think I am willing to put me and another baby through it.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@lisajaner I didn't have pre-e, but I understand the implications of having it. I DID take low-dose aspirin throughout my entire pregnancy, however, to prevent miscarriage. I had two prior miscarriages and CHOSE to use low-dose aspirin while attempting to conceive (there is mixed evidence about whether or not there is a benefit for this purpose, but I did it anyway), which resulted in having my daughter. I was afraid to come off it, but knew there was evidence of also wereducing the risk of preeclampsia, so I asked my doctor if I could just stay on it, and he was fine with it. I DID manage to not have preeclampsia, but I wasn't super high risk for it, either (under 35, but barely, no family history, etc). I did develop mild gestational diabetes, but managed to control it with diet only and went to 41 weeks before getting induced. Having gestational diabetes is also something that can happen in all pregnancies and can increase your risk of diabetes in the future.

I did not like being pregnant, and my induction failed, requiring an unplanned c-section, but my scarier issues happened post-partum. I developed severe PPA/PPOCD that went on for months. Maybe it would NOT happen again, but it could also be WORSE if I had another baby.

Still, being OAD is due to multiple other reasons for me. So even if I COULD be guaranteed a complication-free pregnancy and decent post-partum mental health, I have other concerns (finances, small village, splitting attention amongst 2 kids and a spouse, having any time left for myself, needing a bigger home, and the fact that I'm already tired and don't have a ton of energy, my husband and I are quickly approaching 40, also - I'll be 38 in a few months, he's turning 40).

 

[lisajaner]

@ababwaalijaz I was also super low risk. No family history, I’m not overweight, my normal BP is always 120/70. Just bad luck! It’s why I have trust issues with all of the things I could do just to reduce risk. I just don’t want to gamble on it again.

PPA is a trip. No thank you. Not again.

 

[mikemack]

@writergirlrs THIS. Until you’ve experienced being on magnesium and not even being able to see (because you’re seeing double of everything) or hold your child for days because you’re so disoriented from it, shush.

 

[mark_v]

@lisajaner I relate so much, we had v similar experiences. I didn’t realize how small my son was until we were further out from his birth, had switched to formula, and he started to really pack on the pounds. We walked A LOT (like miles every day) in the newborn day bc he would only sleep and be content when I was wearing him and moving, and without fail someone would always stop me to comment on how small he was and ask if he was a preemie. It didn’t phase me at the time but looking back I’m like “every single person who saw us knew he was tiny” and that doesn’t always feel great. Luckily my pre-E resolved relatively quickly and we were both healthy, all things considered, but the trauma is and was real.

 

[lisajaner]

@mark_v Omg, yes. Thank you for sharing. Every time I left the house with him, I’d get so many comments on how small he was. When you’re already carrying so much guilt as the person who carried them (misplaced guilt - we can’t control pre-e) it makes it so much worse. I dreaded leaving my house. I dreaded pediatrician appointments because I’d be confronted with percentiles. It was such a miserable experience. And yes, once I made the decision with my husband to switch to formula it made a big difference in his weight.

 

[katrina2017]

@lisajaner The whole experience was very traumatic for us as well especially me. We also faced the same issues when my daughter was born. Breastfeeding just was not in the cards for both of us. I spent over $1k in buying anything to help me with it because I was so brainwashed to believe she absolutely needed it. Even my former pediatrician said breast is best to me during a very postpartum period. Eventually we found our groove with formula and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Like you, we had weekly weight visits which I dreaded. It wasn’t until she was around 5mos I finally didn’t mind them. I’m so sorry people continue to dismiss your feelings. Pregnancy itself sucks but when you experience trauma with it, it’s a lifelong experience you’ll always remember and cope with.

 

[lisajaner]

@katrina2017 Girl, yes. I bought a fancier breast pump than insurance gave me. I bought nipple shields, ate lactation cookies, spent hours watching YouTube videos of women giving breastfeeding advice. Cried every night.

Formula wasn’t what I envisioned for us, but for his sake I regret I didn’t just let go sooner. I think I was already so guilty about the early induction, his weight, everything that it just felt like another thing I failed at.

 

[jacqueline92]

@lisajaner Just here to validate that breastfeeding just doesn’t work for everyone!

This subreddit is the only place I feel safe about talking about never wanting to go through any of it again as well. What sometimes helps me is remembering that mammals hate seeing their loved ones in pain, and that the birth trauma level of pain is just too much for some people so they only have a platitude because they’re so soft. Nothing to do with us! All just survival of the species.

 

[skittblue]

@lisajaner I had a 1.5kg 34 weeker and NICU stay 5 years ago. It still haunts me and hurts. The terrorized mind is real and people that write it off have not experienced it. Lucky them hey. Anyway, I want to say that I hear you, I see you and I know that you’ve looked into a darkness you can’t unsee.

Time eases the sting of it all, but the snapshot of what happened remains with you.

One day your suffering and story may bring some comfort to another tortured mind going through a similar experience. Maybe this can be some type of hope to cling on inside to.

 

[scarletdawn]

@lisajaner I 100% know how you feel. I hate when people minimize my experience but have no idea what it felt like. I had a 32 weeker and in the NICU for 4 weeks, took him home and found blood in his diaper. Took him right back to the NICU for 2 more weeks because he had NEC. I didn’t know if my baby was going to die. I developed PPA from being traumatized and wanted to check myself into a hospital. It was that bad. I did the therapy and drugs to get my old self back.

When people just casually make the statement that we should have another, I feel like my experience is being dismissed or I’m being gaslit like it was all in my mind. I just had to learn that people just won’t understand until they’ve walked in my shoes.

I get you, I hear you. You are allowed to be happy with one child and not want the potential to experience that again, no matter what anyone says.

 

[niccole]

@lisajaner My girl is 16 months. I was also induced due to pre-e, spent 44 hours in labor and then had an emergency C. Baby couldn’t maintain her temp so to the NICU she went.

Also almost unalived myself due to the PPD/BPD combo. And I breastfed for 13 months, struggling with low supply and weight gain issues the whole time.

I think these things combined have scared my fiancé from wanting another. Which is understandable. Plus the economy as he says. But things could be wildly different in 4-5 years; which is when I’d consider having a second. I just feel like he’s stuck in the RIGHT NOW and can’t see the future.

 

[smomforreal]

@lisajaner Your feelings are valid and these are things I’ve also heard. But we know ultimately what’s best for us and our family. Others will never understand and quite frankly we don’t care about their opinions!

 

[vl32]

@lisajaner Hi! I’m just finding this group and reading so many posts.
I’m so sorry about your birth trauma and pp journey for you and your baby. I too and very afraid of conceiving again after dealing with a lot of birth trauma. I have no true advice for you, other than your feelings are so so real and If this is the mental load you’re capable of, don’t overdo it and max out your capacity. When I go back and forth if we are OAD or not, I try to think of “what is better , giving my son a sibling he may be pals with, or giving him a happy, healthy mom (and dad). Don’t ever feel selfish for your choice to be OAD. Trauma is so real and frightening.. praying you have found a counselor that you’re able to help navigate some of the feelings and emotions with.

 

[fishmansf]

@lisajaner “An excuse not to.” You don’t need to excuse anything, all you need is that you don’t want to. Don’t feel like you own anyone a second child, especially people to whom it wouldn’t have any effect.

 

[katrina2017]

@lisajaner It is incredibly frustrating when you try and voice your feelings on the matter and they are simply brushed off. “Oh, you would get through it though” “you’ll probably feel differently in a few years” “the next one will probably be different”. Why can’t people just listen and say “fair enough”. It’s so invalidating to have your feelings dismissed

 

[marysmith89]

@lisajaner Aside from two Covid infections, the second during delivery, which led to a rather stressful labor and delivery, a story for another day…I had an easy pregnancy. My kid is 21 months and still doesn’t sleep. My husband and I are exhausted. It’s so hard. In my head I want more kids, but we just can’t handle it. We also learned the hard way after birth that our families are useless. So yes, birth trauma is totally downplayed. I have a lot of issues from the labor and delivery and I had a relatively healthy pregnancy but rough delivery, but still no crazy c-section or anything and am still traumatized. I don’t think anyone should have a kid unless they’re 100% on board. It may be hard to accept that OAD is what’s best, and it’s ok to grieve the family you thought you’d have, but everything about your post says you already know you don’t want another. Well, it’s not always that you -or anyone- don’t want another kid..it’s that you can’t go through that again. Also, a lot of our parents mothers were stay at home moms who didn’t work and were available to help them, we don’t often have that luxury. Older family
Members like to bully us into having more while they work a 9-5 and aren’t able/wiling to help raise them ugh.