Never thought I’d say this.

[vall3y]

I’m 30 in exactly two months and I thought by this point I’d want it more than ever but I’m not sure anymore.

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. You could’ve asked me at 5 what I want to be when I grow up and that’s what I’d say. The thought of ever being a mum & being pregnant used to literally make me cry of joy only a few years back. I absolutely love children so much and my career is centred around them. I have only ever worked with children.

However, the journey to actually be a mum hasn’t been easy. First I was diagnosed with a condition at 22 which makes me automatically high risk and then at 28 came a missed miscarriage after getting pregnant right away and thyroid cancer.

I ended up getting embryos frozen which cost a lot of money ( blame me panicking!!). I’m now regretting not researching as turns out there are way cheaper clinics and I’ve essentially way way over spent by thousands. Now I have no savings. All for me wanting a child.
Even though doctors said I can still have kids after treatment I was in a panic. I ended up with over stimulated ovaries and have never been in as much pain as I was then. I thought I’d try to use them after being cleared as hey, it was pricey and I still wasn’t that comfy using my own after treatment and it didn’t work. Another blow.Ive felt this way for the past 6 months now where I just feel like the universe or whatever doesn’t want me having a child and I almost feel like giving into it. What fun would my high risk pregnancy be anyway?

I don’t know if it’s a defence mechanism but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being selfish in wanting a child I have seen first hand how awful cruel and scary and damn right u fair life is. Do I want to put a little human through that. Will I resent them because of all I went through to have them? At this point I don’t know if I’m forcing my self to still want a child or if I’m protecting my self incase of another hardship. I can try naturally at the end of this month and I know that I will just because ‘ I think I want a child, I mean I must right? I’ve been dying for this very moment for a long time?’ I also want to remove the anger and hostility I feel towards other pregnant women my age. Why do they get an easy ride and I don’t? Adoption isn’t an option as my partner isn’t for it and tbh I don’t know if I would be either.

Can anyone relate?

 

[aledenblythe]

@vall3y You’ve gone through so so much, my heart goes out to you. Have you been to therapy? Something to consider to help process all these feelings.

Just know it’s okay to change your mind, and know you are still young and have time to think about this. Maybe you aren’t in a good mindset at the moment to have a child right now, but that could also change.

 

[dmajor2012]

@vall3y I've gone through a whole rollercoaster of similar feelings. From 15 I had extreme baby fever, got married at 18, which made it worse, and would literally have to hold back tears while walking past babies or baby stuff. I cried on my bathroom floor when a friend announced her pregnancy. I was a nanny from a young age too, so I knew how hard kids could be and still wanted one so badly. My husband wanted to wait. Now I'm glad we did. So glad, in fact, that there are days where I think "maybe I could just be a really cool aunt or something." Having freedom and finally getting all of my health problems diagnosed/under control has made my life so much better, and honestly I don't want to destroy my body and start all over for a baby very often anymore. We had a discussion and decided to push the timeline to 2025ish. Not sure how I'll feel then, or if these feelings are just a result of painfully forcing myself out of baby fever a year ago to save my sanity. Reading r/fencesitters & r/regretfulparents may be making me sway further to the no kids side at the moment.

Take your time deciding. We all change over the years. Go have some new experiences and see how you feel after that. Even if you don't get answers, at least you have cool stories for either future kids or friends. You might find yourself daydreaming about what those experiences would be like with a tiny human, or you might not. Humans are complicated. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

 

[kevenlode]

@vall3y You aren't selfish for wanting completely normal things out of life, like a family. You may be feeling some of this doubt because the road to parenthood has already been a long journey for you and already more complicated than for a lot of other people. It's ok to feel torn. Perhaps take some time away from thinking about it (if you can) and just live life for a bit? Maybe that would help?

 

[vall3y]

@kevenlode I have been living life for the past year when I had to wait to try to conceive after the whole cancer thing. I do feel an empty hole and do long for a normal family. I just feel weird I guess. You’re right about the long journey