I’m 30 in exactly two months and I thought by this point I’d want it more than ever but I’m not sure anymore.
Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. You could’ve asked me at 5 what I want to be when I grow up and that’s what I’d say. The thought of ever being a mum & being pregnant used to literally make me cry of joy only a few years back. I absolutely love children so much and my career is centred around them. I have only ever worked with children.
However, the journey to actually be a mum hasn’t been easy. First I was diagnosed with a condition at 22 which makes me automatically high risk and then at 28 came a missed miscarriage after getting pregnant right away and thyroid cancer.
I ended up getting embryos frozen which cost a lot of money ( blame me panicking!!). I’m now regretting not researching as turns out there are way cheaper clinics and I’ve essentially way way over spent by thousands. Now I have no savings. All for me wanting a child.
Even though doctors said I can still have kids after treatment I was in a panic. I ended up with over stimulated ovaries and have never been in as much pain as I was then. I thought I’d try to use them after being cleared as hey, it was pricey and I still wasn’t that comfy using my own after treatment and it didn’t work. Another blow.Ive felt this way for the past 6 months now where I just feel like the universe or whatever doesn’t want me having a child and I almost feel like giving into it. What fun would my high risk pregnancy be anyway?
I don’t know if it’s a defence mechanism but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being selfish in wanting a child I have seen first hand how awful cruel and scary and damn right u fair life is. Do I want to put a little human through that. Will I resent them because of all I went through to have them? At this point I don’t know if I’m forcing my self to still want a child or if I’m protecting my self incase of another hardship. I can try naturally at the end of this month and I know that I will just because ‘ I think I want a child, I mean I must right? I’ve been dying for this very moment for a long time?’ I also want to remove the anger and hostility I feel towards other pregnant women my age. Why do they get an easy ride and I don’t? Adoption isn’t an option as my partner isn’t for it and tbh I don’t know if I would be either.
Can anyone relate?
Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mum. You could’ve asked me at 5 what I want to be when I grow up and that’s what I’d say. The thought of ever being a mum & being pregnant used to literally make me cry of joy only a few years back. I absolutely love children so much and my career is centred around them. I have only ever worked with children.
However, the journey to actually be a mum hasn’t been easy. First I was diagnosed with a condition at 22 which makes me automatically high risk and then at 28 came a missed miscarriage after getting pregnant right away and thyroid cancer.
I ended up getting embryos frozen which cost a lot of money ( blame me panicking!!). I’m now regretting not researching as turns out there are way cheaper clinics and I’ve essentially way way over spent by thousands. Now I have no savings. All for me wanting a child.
Even though doctors said I can still have kids after treatment I was in a panic. I ended up with over stimulated ovaries and have never been in as much pain as I was then. I thought I’d try to use them after being cleared as hey, it was pricey and I still wasn’t that comfy using my own after treatment and it didn’t work. Another blow.Ive felt this way for the past 6 months now where I just feel like the universe or whatever doesn’t want me having a child and I almost feel like giving into it. What fun would my high risk pregnancy be anyway?
I don’t know if it’s a defence mechanism but I’m starting to wonder if I’m being selfish in wanting a child I have seen first hand how awful cruel and scary and damn right u fair life is. Do I want to put a little human through that. Will I resent them because of all I went through to have them? At this point I don’t know if I’m forcing my self to still want a child or if I’m protecting my self incase of another hardship. I can try naturally at the end of this month and I know that I will just because ‘ I think I want a child, I mean I must right? I’ve been dying for this very moment for a long time?’ I also want to remove the anger and hostility I feel towards other pregnant women my age. Why do they get an easy ride and I don’t? Adoption isn’t an option as my partner isn’t for it and tbh I don’t know if I would be either.
Can anyone relate?