My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship

[onlyjesus316]

@hlcorn3 I completely agree. I’ve really been avoiding walking away or leaving him and now I’m realizing that it’s a completely fine thing to do and I really should do it. I think it must come from my trauma of my mom leaving me in moments I needed her the most. When I had big feelings she left or ignored me. There was even one time that scarred me forever when I was a teenager I told her crying and screaming that I was going to end my life and she slammed my door, got in her car and drove away. It hurts. I can still feel the wound. I think it’s why I exhaust myself until I collapse to try and be next to my son at all times even if I’m mentally not there. But I don’t think it’s healthy.

I can feel that I’m trying to heal my wounds through the way I’m parenting my son. But I’m realizing that I’m only hurting myself more in the process.

 

[hlcorn3]

@onlyjesus316 My mom said "go ahead and do it then".

"I can feel that I’m trying to heal my wounds through the way I’m parenting my son. But I’m realizing that I’m only hurting myself more in the process." Gold! You are further along than you think.

It's completely different to give yourself space to let your body calm down then to just abandon him. You aren't abandoning him, you're protecting him and taking care of yourself. You go back on when you feel able to help and when he starts coming back down.

Edit to add: you can tell him you'll come back if you wish to make sure he knows you aren't abandoning him.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@hlcorn3 Oh goodness. My heart hurts so much for you and the children we once were. Thanks for staying strong.

And thank you for separating the two for me. I needed to hear it.

Also YES therapy really is like dating. I reached out to 7 this week to set up interviews and I was like…am I being too picky? lol

 

[hlcorn3]

@onlyjesus316 No, you're not being too picky. I might maybe look into some online groups or even reddit to narrow things down. Maybe find a sub reddit for your area, explain your situation and see if anyone can through you some recommendations.

It has to be someone who connects with you or else they can't help you. I don't think you can ever be too picky with therapists.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@hlcorn3 This is a great idea I didn’t even think to ask locals. Thank you!

 

[carolny]

@hlcorn3 Hi I’m just butting in here as another parent with CPTSD who has been in therapy for 20 years… it can be so isolating so I always get a little overeager when I spot other people with similar experiences

 

[reformed]

@onlyjesus316 Just for the food - I make it and it's a take it or leave it situation, I usually have a safe food always and can repeat 'we are having x y and z today, if you want anymore of these you can' like 20 times during a meal. Still have to do it but it helps. Sometimes I I see he asks just to assert power and get his way

 

[onlyjesus316]

@reformed Agreed.

 

[jerm_m]

@onlyjesus316 I think all 2.5 toddlers are dictators. They can finally communicate their desires and they want to push and test your boundaries. Unfortunately, I know it's so hard, but you can't ever give in once you set a limit. That is ultimately teaching him that in order to get what he wants, he just needs to keep arguing with you longer and more loudly.

You can't be afraid of the meltdown. Let him meltdown. Be available for him, let him know you love him and are there if he needs a hug, but you won't change your mind.

Imagine if he wanted to run around with a knife. No matter what he said to you, you'd hold that boundary, right? So apply that principle to other things. He has to know that once you say something, that's the law.

Also one thing I've done since my baby started talking is model saying please and thank you. If he demands something and starts crying or yelling, I don't give him what he wants That's reinforcing bad behavior. So I tell him, Can you try again, nicer this time Please? Although maybe don't start with that-- in the beginning, I would simply rephrase things for him, just to show him what it sounds like when he asks nicely. Then I praise him as if he said it that way, not me. It worked great. He'd shout something, I'd say, "Mama, can I have the toy please?.... Of course, baby! Thank you for asking so nicely!!!"

 

[onlyjesus316]

@jerm_m Yes we have been working on this a lot. It really is challenging. I feel like I have to be on my A game all the time or it sets us back so much. Endless exhaustion.

 

[heloise23]

@onlyjesus316 Hey, I just wanted to say you sound like a great mom and I related to a lot of this, as someone with an abuse history who also has AuDHD, PDA and misophonia/sound sensitivities- but my kid while having similar tendencies (shouting demands repeatedly all day, very verbal, extremely into autonomy, very sensitive and fearful) sounds MUCH easier than yours- she’s 2 this month though so it may get a lot harder. I’m so sorry you’re both having such a tough time and I hope things get easier as he grows, and becomes less frustrated with the reality of life as a toddler/young child (I hated it too!)

I would very much not be surprised if you find out he’s neurodivergent, but 2.5 is early for dx without motor or speech delays. Even without dx, if you could get him into OT that might help him with frustration tolerance/flexibility/coping strategies for his strong emotions.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@heloise23 It’s really nice to hear someone similar to me and my son. I also have always had an inkling he could be neurodivergent. But without any delays you’re right, it’ll be way too hard until he’s older. We did get an OT referral for exactly that but there’s an 8 month wait for children in my son’s case (without delays). It’s understandable.

 

[joshua_bell]

@onlyjesus316 I would recommend trying to get a neuropsychological evaluation. You don’t need delays for that and you might find out more about what’s going on with him, as well as possibly getting referrals for help.

I would also recommend Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. It’s a method of therapy designed to flip the switch from child-led behavior to parent-directed behavior. There might be a private therapist or a university department near you that offers it.

 

[themutebassplayer]

@joshua_bell This is the best advice I’ve seen on the thread

 

[xpertboy]

@onlyjesus316 Let's ignore the dictator and talk about the common folk for a moment. Do you have support or are you on duty 24/7? Are you in the position to enlist support (you mention a partner and partner parents - are they available?) for something like 1-2h away to give yourself a mental break? I know you said some of the boundary issues originate from the grandparents but I think in this case, you really, really need the break. I think there's been lots of helpful comments on here already about boundaries and I want to add - I have faith that your kid knows you are a different caregiver than the grandparents and therefore have a different set of rules. It sounds like you already being firm and kind and that's a solid base.

Can you think about times when your kid is not a rampaging dictator? Does he like being outside? Playing with a specific toy? Can you structure your hours with him around those activities?

Something that helps me is this idea of doing the bare minimum. To get out the door, my kid needs a clean diaper and to be buckled into his car seat. If he has breakfast, then great! If he's wearing shoes and socks then that's a bonus! This helps me not beat myself up if a meltdown over clothes, etc derails the morning routine.

And finally, I'm sure you know this: your kid isn't trying to give you a hard time, he's just having a hard time. I saw your comment about how he's a grown man trapped in a baby's body, how frustrating that is. His brain is also not fully developed! He short circuits sometimes and then the tantrum erupts. It's OK. You're doing a good job mama! Of course it's hard to have someone screaming at you constantly when all you're trying to do is keep them safe and happy. Take care of yourself, you are priority #1. Without you, the little dictator would be so lost.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@xpertboy I do need a break you’re absolutely right. It’s gotten worse since we moved (back to the US) and pulled him out of school. My in laws are in another country and my parents are moving out of state so it might be a tough while with lack of help, I’m looking into my options soon.

I also noted what you said about letting some things go like the socks and shoes. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. I will try working on this.

 

[riverplate1939]

@onlyjesus316 I could have written this post about my 2.5 year old. The last 3 days have been the lowest of my time as a mother. Solidarity and thank you for posting this, I have been reading every word of the comments.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@riverplate1939 Idk why this made me tear up but I just hate to see others struggling too and I’m just really happy that I could be of help and solidarity to someone else. I’m really self conscious and it’s hard to be vulnerable but the advice, insight and supportive words I’ve gained from this post is worth the weight in gold.

I’ve had so many lowest lows of my life through motherhood. Hang in there. I’m always open to chat. For anyone else reading this as well. We shouldn’t have to go through this journey alone.

 

[ezek_3626]

@onlyjesus316 I set a boundary.. “no I don’t want to stand up” and then will hit the couch or floor or something and say “I’m mad mommy won’t (do whatever) stand up in this case”
My boys will also hit what I’m hitting and mumble ( 18 month old will 3 yr old will say it)
Put a voice to it and then I say I get your mad and I’m sorry and then change and distract

 

[onlyjesus316]

@ezek_3626 To clarify, you just speak the words for them out of context to model right?