@onlyjesus316 Hugs. I'm not trying to invalidate your perspective. I promise, and I'm not even sure if I'm using the right words to convey what I'm trying to say because of how personal the subject is.
Though a lot of my abuse came from my mom blaming all her thoughts and feelings on me, specifically with my son, I get triggered when he yells or screams. That might be a big part of why you might be avoiding meltdowns. When he or anyone else yells or screams, my body instantly starts to panic and yell back.
Step one, in my opinion is separating yourself from your son mentally a bit. He is triggering a preexisting situation. Though you can't always do that physically, just reflecting on it is a huge start.
Step two, get time alone if you can. Or, if you start to feel triggered and he's safe, walk away. If you have a partner who is open to helping tag him in. Leave.
Three, I saw you tried a few therapists and they didn't work out. I completely get that, it's like fucking dating.. lol. Utterly obnoxious. I've been there, it's unfortunately a numbers game in which you remove your experiences over and over until you find someone. Try this: get recommendations for therapists from people who have similar issues The best rating system are the reflections and experiences of other people who have the same needs.
I like to think of mine as a tiny ball of flashing neurons. It does have full intent, experience, logic, empathy, words, ect. It has no greater understanding outside of a new brain developing through the spectrum of human experience. It's not personal. But treating him like he can and telling him these responsible for your feelings will not go well for him.