@onlyjesus316 No response is a response. If you're on the other side of the door, you need to be silent and focus on calming yourself down. He knows he will pull you out of that room going nuts. You mentioned being ece certified, I am too.
You need to remember that escalated adults can not de-escalate children. If you remove yourself, don't engage until YOU are calm. To be honest, when my little man went through this I went as far as asking his pediatrician if it was normal... Yeah. Totally normal. She said, "if he is crying, he is still breathing. Let him work through his drama and don't come back to him until he stops." When he stops, go back. If he doesn't, he is still breathing and in a safe space. Let it go.
What I am reading isn't about your son controlling you, this is about permissive parenting biting back and you need to reassess instead of getting defensive towards the commenters here.
There are great suggestions that you simply dismiss because "he will keep screaming". Well yeah, obviously, that's what works for him to get the outcome he wants. What would make him decide to stop?
What I see is that you are doing the same thing he is, on an adult level. You're not kicking and screaming, but you don't want to hear it if someone is telling you that you need to change YOUR behavior.
You are a good mom, because you want to be better but it isn't going to do him any good to only do it sometimes. Stop giving in. Full stop. Close a door between the two of you when he chases you down. Get some boundaries. Stop comparing your child to an adult. He is not an adult. It doesn't matter if he is advanced or behind, you need to get locked in on how to regulate your emotions so you can teach him how to do the same. Get some earplugs and teach your baby you are not his servant.
I'm sorry if this came off as harsh, but you know all of this to be true. So please stop responding telling people your son is dictating your life if you're not going to take suggestions and get a back bone. He will fall behind fast if this is allowed to continue.
Also, look into some family therapy. You and Dad have to be a team or you're going to go nuts (and the grandparents will never fall in line if you're the only "bad guy".)
I'm sorry, this has to be so hard. It has gone on too long and you have effectively taught him exactly how to get under your skin from birth by never setting those lines on when and how he needs to behave to get a response. He says jump and you sure do. Choose to stop that.