@onlyjesus316 OP: I’m a trauma therapist. And what you have been through since becoming a parent, how hard and shocking it’s been, how it’s changed your life, and you, how it’s ongoing, the fear of the future and how you’ll cope and not being able to escape cos you’re in it and you can’t return a child… absolutely, 100%, ‘counts’ as trauma. Please don’t let ignorant onlookers try and tell you it isn’t. It’s really unfortunate that people still see trauma as having to be a car accident or military service or something immediately life-threatening.
That poster is being a jerk for reasons unbeknownst to us. I’m sorry you’re in this position.
@anonymous00000001 Thank you so much. I’m filled with tears because I started wondering if maybe I really am a monster for thinking this way about my child. I know I probably should still reframe my mind to meet him with more kindness but it’s hard to do right now and part of me doesn’t know how to help myself through my own issues.
@anonymous00000001 What the hell lol I never said that what she experienced wasn't traumatic. I said I don't think it's fair to say your own child caused you trauma. Obviously the experience itself is traumatic. Everyone is being ridiculous.
@onlyjesus316 I agree that an experience can be traumatic. I found my pregnancy to be traumatic especially because it was COVID. It was also really hard the first few months. But I don't frame it as "my baby traumatized me" even now when I flinch as my son runs towards me which is literally a trauma response lol.
My son literally shoved his finger into my eye after I told him that it was time to finish watching tv. He also tried to choke me once for the same reason. No our experience isn't the same. But I can say that I don't feel the need to forgive my little dictator who physically lashes out when he's angry. He's my son so I'm going to take responsibility for his actions until he's old enough to take responsibility himself.
@katrina2017 I need to forgive my kid on a daily basis, and she probably needs to forgive me too. Toddlers can say and do really hurtful things (moms certainly can too, as we know because we have moms). I think forgiveness is good.
@onlyjesus316 This is silly but have you tried yelling ? Like I yelled a few times - they got super upset and I repaired after and I told them my job is to keep them safe and healthy and I will get extremely angry and frustrated if you don’t help. Let my alpha wolf vibes come out lol - and it worked! I never yell but I threaten to bring it out and it works. I also give a warning that he has a chance to do it or I WILL enforce immediately- also works!
@lmkuhn76 Yes I’ve definitely lost my cool and yelled at him a handful of times. I quickly learned each time it’s not the right method for him. I can remember exactly the last time I yelled at him which was about 7 weeks ago I said “NO! I told you 3 times, get your shoes on NOW. We have to leave NOW!!!
And 7 weeks later he still yells at me “I TOLD YOU 3 TIMES!! DO XYZ NOW!!! Of course each time I am correcting him very quickly not to talk to me like that but it is taking time to undo it. If I “slip up” once, it backfires badly on me. I also noticed he listens much better if I use a really quiet and gentle voice and the word “please”. The key is definitely to cradle my words around his sensitivity.
@onlyjesus316 Interesting ! I so get that. Maybe it's about just allotting more time in your day to transition ? Or just power through until he grows out of it
@onlyjesus316 Maybe you are doing it right and your child’s character is a little like this but with time he will become better. I mean, I would continue the soft but firm approach. Mine is three years old and have a similar character. He is improving now. When I tried a harder approach he wouldn’t cooperate and I cannot bring myself to shout at him often so he becomes scared of me. I have shouted at him a few times and later apologised to him.
@alexis_gustavoc That’s a good point and he actually can be worse with others as far as his meanness goes he’s only really nice to me and grandpa (not even dad lol) I have been told he doesn’t cry as much with others as he does with me, understandably since I’m his safe space. But we’ve had issues with him yelling at people, screaming at them especially to go away and his very intense reactions even at school.
@onlyjesus316 Gotcha, well I have one about your age and the phases are intense but temporary. He may just be on a developmental streak and grow out of it. But there’s good advice in this thread too.
@onlyjesus316 I had to put a lot of effort into separating the behavior from the actual demand.
I made it clear that the behavior of yelling, or whining, wasn’t a way to communicate with me. Regardless of the topic, whining always got “I can’t understand when you talk that way. Please use your normal voice.” Shouting got a calm, “you may not shout at me. We can have this conversation when you can stop yelling and use your normal voice.”
Further on, I started having to say, “I answered you already. Whining isn’t going to change my answer.” This was key for Lillian the endless “PLEEEEASE. Pretty please blah blah blah” garbage I hate SO much. I knew I had gotten through when one day the older turned to the younger (about candy at the store or something) and said “Stop. Whining won’t change (parent’s) answer.”
@onlyjesus316 Mine is the same but i gotta say last few months its has gottem better (now 2.8) speech has really helped, i have been teaching her about emotions and she has learn to idéntify and say she is angry, why is she angry, she wanted to to that and we did this and she got angry, etc, there are bad days for sure. Maybe work on regulating yourself better (it autistic so for me its a huge deal) since have seen mine feeds off my emotions its like we are one unity.
@onlyjesus316 He just sounds very...2.5. My 3 year old is bossy about freaking everything and it's so exhausting. I pick my battles. If I offered 2 things for breakfast and he picks a third that's just as easy for me...that's an easy yes. He wants control over his life, so I give it to him except for when I can't. Like sure, you can wear them same shirt every day as long as it's clean. You cannot push people. When he's being a real ass about holding him or how I play or whether I sing or whatever I just walk away and tell him I don't like to play that way. But mostly my goal is to not die on every hill, because I probably won't win a battle of wills with a toddler.
@onlyjesus316 He still does it becuase it works, I mean 2.5 are going to have tantrums sometimes and test limits super normal you just want to show him where the limits are. If he's screaming to be held I'd just put him down and sit on a chair or something nearby and say I would love to hold you but you are screaming and it's hurting my ears and you're wriggling so it's too hard for me I might drop you I'm going to sit her till you calm down then we can try again. For the playing same thing I would tell him he needs to speak nicely and take turns or I can't play with him and i'd sit and wait for him to calm down from the ensuing meltdown. Honestly it will suck for a few days possibly a few weeks but he'll learn he doesn't get what he wants from these behaviors and he does get what he wants when he behaves appropriately. Also with choices don't overwhelm with choices but it's good to give choices, if he can't pick you can tell him he needs to pick or you will and if he doesn't pick for him and hold to it, he can have another chance at the next meal or next time he gets dressed. there will be a lot of tantrums and tears I'm not saying it's easy but long haul it's going to be better for him and for you.
I think apologizing after losing our temper is a really important and valuable thing to do and teach them.
he’s only really nice to me and grandpa (not even dad lol) I have been told he doesn’t cry as much with others as he does with me, understandably since I’m his safe space. But we’ve had issues with him yelling at people, screaming at them especially to go away and his very intense reactions even at school.