My 14 y/o daughter’s first bf cheated on her while he was drunk and high (!!) on vacation. He’s also 14. Should I tell his parent what happened?

[butterfly123]

I should say right away I know this is what happened because I monitor my daughter’s phone and texts. She is 100% aware of this and it’s the rule in our house until she can pay for her own phone. She knows that he was in an altered state, but it doesn’t bother her like the kissing 2 other girls did.

Unfortunately after breaking up w/him for a week our daughter caved & they are now “back together”.
They are in a musical together and see each other every day, but we have not allowed them to hang out otherwise since the break-up, which was about 2 weeks ago.
We don’t live nearby so it always has to be arranged with adults for them to hang out.

They went out almost 2 months before this incident, and they were never alone - a parent was always home if they hung out at one of our houses, or else they were in public. His mom and I spoke early on and were on the same page with supervision.
.
Now our D says his mom invited her over after their performance to hang out.
Aside from not really wanting to enable them dating, I’m not sure what to say if the boyfriend’s mom brings up why they haven’t been hanging out.

If my kid went away and did what he did, I’d want to know. But I also know my kid will be furious and say it’s an invasion of his privacy that I even know about it.

He’s a genuinely sweet kid who at first was great. Him kissing other girls was stupid, but getting high and drunk at 14 really bothers me.

Thanks for your thoughts!

ETA: Great discussion, appreciate all the different views, that's what I'm here for. D told me about the cheating on her own, and actually clued me in to the circumstances when I asked what he said about how it happened. She said he told her he "didn't remember". Before ever touching her phone I said I could only think of 2 reasons someone wouldn't remember kissing someone, and that was drunk or high. This was later confirmed when I checked her phone. I agree with everyone who says the relationship is between them, and my job is to be a cheerleader or shoulder to cry on as needed.

That said - he JUST turned 14, and got drunk and high on pot. We all know this happens, but I personally don't condone it, and I think I would want another parent to tell me if they knew my kid did this. Hubs and I disagree a bit on this, he'd rather not know.

The original question suffers from late-evening worrying on my part, probably too dramatic.
The text reading is understandably controversial, and honestly I don't feel great about it. Reading all my kids' texts is not something I set out to do as a parent. When we got her a phone at 12, we told her it was our phone because we pay for it, hence the restrictions in place then (no social media at first), time limits, etc. When she can support her own phone she can fully make all those choices. We're OK with that family choice, especially now.
Sadly we're in a situation where recently we've had to severely limit her privacy in a lot of areas due to an eating disorder. Lots of things on phones become a tool of the ED, and we have to inspect everything from youtube to camera use to help eliminate certain behaviors, which is the unfortunate reality of the disease. I COMPLETELY admit that my anxiety around her condition has caused me to read way more texts than I would ever want too. ED takes a lot from kids. What I will do moving forward is treat the phone use more like we do eating, slowly allow more independence, checking in verbally with her along the way. I'll stop reading her texts, however I'm sure she won't trust me now, at least for awhile. Hopefully we'll get back to a good place as we work through everything.

Also, most kids are savvy enough to delete texts, use snapchat, etc. Yeah, over-supervision can just make them smarter at covering their tracks, I do hear that too. Anyway, figured I'd give more on my perspective, thanks for helping me think this situation through from all sides!

 

[kyrieeleison01]

@butterfly123 I would be more concerned about my daughters feelings and how she’s handling a break-up and dealing with someone she adored, cheating on her.

She’s 14. Remember how we felt when we were 14 and went through a breakup? Sounds silly to even say, now that we’re grown and know that was just an adolescent moment. But to her, it’s her world.

Focus on how this affecting her, more than the other kid and their situation.

Parent to parent—I send all my love.

 

[dialogos]

@kyrieeleison01 Kids have such big feelings at that age. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 18 and I didn’t even really like him that much. I just felt like every single one of my friends had boyfriends so I kind of caved and got one as well. He dumped me before a party and I was really upset. I think part of the reason I was pissed and upset was because I felt like I was supposed to be upset. I was oddly kind of relieved, to tell the truth, because I was not ready to have sex and things were headed that direction.

My youngest just turned 17 and he is not dating anyone. My oldest started dating his girlfriend when he was nearly 17. I was not ready for a relationship at that age. I was kind of terrified of it.

 

[bianca123]

@butterfly123 I think his parents should know about the drugs and alcohol but not the cheating. The former are illegal and very dangerous for his brain. They are responsible for what goes on in their home. They need that information to parent well. The cheating is between the boy and his girlfriend, a moral issue. I think if he needs to learn that morality now, it must come from life consequences (e.g., breakups).

 

[richyrich]

@bianca123 Always tell the parents of a 14 years old about drugs consumption please. As a parent I would really want to know this stuff

 

[eddylowe59]

@butterfly123 for the love of god, please give your daughter more privacy.

i understand monitoring her online activity TO A POINT, but reading her text messages with her bf?! my mom didn’t do this, but she would occasionally check my phone and years later i find myself concerned about her looking at my phone and have always been extra secretive because of it.

you could leave your daughter with a complex, prevent her from ever feeling comfortable in her (should be private) conversations, and with a deep seated fear of your monitoring

 

[logann]

@eddylowe59 I disagree. When I was 15, my mother didn't look at anything I was doing. I was groomed by 25 yr old man who turned out to be a physically and emotionally abusive control freak. I was with him for years, until at college a friend saw one of his jealous rages and called campus security. He was kicked off campus.

WHY DIDN'T ANY ADULT say or do anything?? Why did nobody ask questions or watch what was going on?

Needless to say I suffered traumas & a damaged idea of relationships that even with therapy, it took forever to begin to heal

 

[elementalstyle]

@logann Yeah I’m with you. My first relationship at 14 was extremely abusive. But nobody would know that face to face unless they saw the messages or heard what he said to me behind closed doors, and I was too young to understand I was being abused. I think it’s fine to read the texts

 

[delalt]

@logann There are many levels of parenting between “ignoring your kid completely” and “reading all of their text messages.”

One extreme should not be used to justify the other.

 

[emmamethew01]

@delalt My kids are still little, and I'm afraid of the cell phone stage. I don't know how to find that balance.

 

[apeppss]

@logann I’m so sorry that happened to you and the other person who replied reading this thread has had me conflicted with how to feel about reading texts I think I’m gonna opt for a healthy in between once my daughter’s old enough I want her to know I trust her enough to have private conversations like anybody else but she also needs to know this world is a dangerous place and there are people out there who do some bad things. so I think I’d show her how to privatize things and verify identities and have casual conversations about who she talks to but also let her know I’d like to check occasionally to make sure nothing like that is going on bc that’s one of my biggest fears sorry I didn’t mean to type all this I just woke up and am sick and was pondering on this for a minute

 

[bianca123]

@apeppss I made sure I had all the passwords to anything but didn't use them. My son knew I had access but also knew I wasn't abusing it and that I respected his privacy. Unfortunately, in his case, he took advantage.

We then got Bark after he hit a crisis, an app to monitor social media. I like it because it flags anything (based on your settings) that meets its criteria. Like, violence. So anything about blood gets flagged and I get a snippet of the conversation, even if it's just about cutting their finger. And so on. He doesn't know the details of what we can see and we don't tell him unless it's dire. We set it at the highest sensitivity for all criteria but if you have a more reliable kid, you can be more lax.

Most of his alerts are for profanity in the music he listens to, and I don't say anything

Kids need privacy but they cannot handle adult situations and they feel safer knowing you're lurking gently, just in case. Even if they say to mind your own business

Another great resource is I'd Listen To My Parents If They'd Just Shut Up. The author really gets teenagers and I laughed out loud at some of his examples, even as they are utterly terrifying

 

[butterfly123]

@bianca123 This sounds like a good balance. I'll check out that app. So sorry you went through a crisis with your son. We have a bit of one ourselves, I never used to bother reading texts either, even though it was an option. Wishing you the best.

 

[brightflame]

@logann I would bet the adults didn't say or do anything bc that was the reason you, as a 15 year old needed a 25 year old in your life in the first place.

 

[klaus107]

@logann Counter point is to actually educate the daughter on how to identify abusive or unhealth behaviors and to ad to this make sure there is a relationship between parents and daughter that allows for open conversations about such things

If a person cant identify an unhealthy social dynamic such as abusive behaviours in a relationship by 15 in a vast majority of cases its down to a combination of eather not being exposed to healthy relationships as examples when young and a lack of direct convocations on things like signs of abuse, concent, boundaries

For instance at what age did you parents first talk to you about any of those in clear and certain terms

 

[elementalstyle]

@klaus107 My parents didn’t talk about it with me at all, I learned about it when I was 15 and finally dumped him

 

[almondbud]

@logann If I was in public and I saw a 15 year old young lady and 25 year old man look like they are in a relatoinship, as much as I would want to dosomething, I'd be scared to.

The first thing that would cross my mind is that the man could be a sexual trafficker. And that is an effing scary world. Maybe even more scary than the drug trade world. From what I have read, more money crosses into the sexual trafficking world than the drug trade world.

It would seem like it's a big risk for your life if you spoke up.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[emmamethew01]

@almondbud I personally feel that is a risk worth taking if you can help a child in such a horrible situation. "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."

 

[eddylowe59]

@logann i am sorry for your experience, you didn’t deserve that at all and adults should have been there for you, but thats why i said “i understand monitoring her online activity TO A POINT”

i don’t think that any child, or young teenager, should have unfettered access to the internet, but this mother reading messages with her daughter’s bf who the mother personally knows is a step too far.

the mother should work to educate her daughter on healthy and unhealthy relationships and cultivate a sense of safety from her daughter from which her daughter can share things like this if she’s comfortable or feels she needs help.

the mother should be ensuring her daughter’s safety by monitoring who she is talking to online and only going as far as reading messages if she doesn’t know who someone is or has suspicion that the daughter is unsafe. this does not include stalking her teenage daughter’s messages with friends and boyfriends just because she can.

 

[bornhuman]

@eddylowe59 Absolutely agree.