@butterfly123 You only know about this because of something you saw on your daughter's phone. You didn't witness it yourself. You can definitely stop them dating if you don't like his choices in life, but it's an overstep to take whatever you think you know to the parents - sounds like you don't know them very well and have no idea how this will go over/how it aligns with their world view. He could by lying/exaggerating in his text exchange with her to cover up for the cheating and you would be stirring up all sorts of trouble for both of them if you went to the parents. I'd feel differently if your daughter had been endangered by his behaviour, or if you'd seen him while he was intoxicated and could give your account of things but this feels like you're only in the picture because of the phone monitoring.
My 14 y/o daughter’s first bf cheated on her while he was drunk and high (!!) on vacation. He’s also 14. Should I tell his parent what happened?
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marijancica
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@marijancica Really sorry to hear that. Parents and parenting takes many forms. You usually can't tell from the outside what the home situation is like so a bit of caution doesn't hurt.
katrina2017
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@butterfly123 Yes
@butterfly123 Keep in mind, they are both 14 and trying to learn how to navigate these tricky interpersonal relationships. I'm 44 now and I occasionally cringe at some of my behaviors when I first started dating around 16/17, and some of the behaviors I tolerated. Hell, I occasionally cringe at some of the stuff I did and tolerated up to the time I met my now wife almost a decade ago. What I'm truly thankful for (all instances) is that my mother didn't get involved.
My advice to you, unless his behavior towards your daughter rises from stupid to abusive, leave his parents out of it. Instead, be a safe space for your daughter to come to talk and get what's on her mind out. Remind her that her boundaries and expectations are not only valid, but something she should never be afraid to enforce. Remind her that she never needs to tolerate bad behavior just to keep someone in her life. Remind her that she will never be upset about remaining true to herself, but one of the worst feelings is looking back and knowing you compromised on something important.
They're 14, keep supervising them. Keep providing a safe space for her. Remind her that she never has to tolerate anything in her relationships (any of them) that she doesn't want to. Also let her know that she never needs a "reason" to end something with someone else. It's perfectly OK, no matter the relationship (platonic, romantic, professional), for a relationship to run its course. No one is the bad guy, it's just done. In the same vein, remind her that people will treat her the way that she allows, and that a first time someone wrongs her might be chalked up to bad judgement or a mistake, but if it happens a second and third time, that is who the person is, and she should never be afraid to cut someone out of her life whether the first, second, or third time (never let it get beyond three is what I'd tell her). At the end of the day, the most important person she needs to love is herself, after all sometimes it's better to be alone than in bad company.
At the end of the day, these are lessons for her life. It's important for her to learn them while the stakes are relatively low so that when she moves into adulthood. Sometimes the best way to learn these lessons is to live them, and it's pretty tough to live them if parents are swooping in and inserting themselves where they aren't necessarily needed.
Good luck!
My advice to you, unless his behavior towards your daughter rises from stupid to abusive, leave his parents out of it. Instead, be a safe space for your daughter to come to talk and get what's on her mind out. Remind her that her boundaries and expectations are not only valid, but something she should never be afraid to enforce. Remind her that she never needs to tolerate bad behavior just to keep someone in her life. Remind her that she will never be upset about remaining true to herself, but one of the worst feelings is looking back and knowing you compromised on something important.
They're 14, keep supervising them. Keep providing a safe space for her. Remind her that she never has to tolerate anything in her relationships (any of them) that she doesn't want to. Also let her know that she never needs a "reason" to end something with someone else. It's perfectly OK, no matter the relationship (platonic, romantic, professional), for a relationship to run its course. No one is the bad guy, it's just done. In the same vein, remind her that people will treat her the way that she allows, and that a first time someone wrongs her might be chalked up to bad judgement or a mistake, but if it happens a second and third time, that is who the person is, and she should never be afraid to cut someone out of her life whether the first, second, or third time (never let it get beyond three is what I'd tell her). At the end of the day, the most important person she needs to love is herself, after all sometimes it's better to be alone than in bad company.
At the end of the day, these are lessons for her life. It's important for her to learn them while the stakes are relatively low so that when she moves into adulthood. Sometimes the best way to learn these lessons is to live them, and it's pretty tough to live them if parents are swooping in and inserting themselves where they aren't necessarily needed.
Good luck!
@butterfly123 It depends on the parents. I know I would want to know my child is using so that I can discuss the dangers. Alcoholism runs in my family so I plan to tell my kids to mind alcohol as we are predisposed to addiction.
@butterfly123 No it's not your place to tell his parents.
onefollows
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@butterfly123 As a mom with a 15 and 17 year old daughter telling this mom and trying to keep these two apart is only going to do two things. 1. Make your daughter not trust you and get better at hiding things and sneaking around and 2. Make her want to be with him more. Teenagers especially girls need to learn for themselves that they accept the love they think they deserve. And unfortunately when they are teenagers and insecure and learning usually that isn’t the best love. But they learn and grow from the heartbreak and mistakes and find out what they DO deserve and do want in a healthy relationship. I personally prefer having an open honest relationship with my girls where they feel they can come talk to me about everything so I don’t need to read their texts. So I’m this scenario they would have come and told me about him cheating I wouldn’t have had to read it in a text message. But they also know I would have listened to them vent about that heartbreak and then respected their decision to go back to him (after my having given my strong opinion and feelings and why I thought they deserved better and shouldn’t but letting them ultimately it’s their choice). Then when they went back and got hurt again I’d be that shoulder to cry on without judgment because they know I am that person and they can come to me. And then that lightbulb goes off that what I said was right and that that not really wasn’t the right choice. It’s happened with my older daughter with a couple boys who weren’t right for her for one reason or another and she did always choose to move on in her own time and from each relationship she learned and grew. But you need to allow your teens to do that. For themselves. Because in a few short years we won’t be there to monitor their every move and their every choice and this is how they learn. Best of luck mama and please stop reading her texts!
butterfly123
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@onefollows D did tell me about the cheating all on her own, the poor thing - it was devastating in the way only the first heartbreak can be. 
It's the drunk & high I'm mostly concerned with, and whether or not proactively saying anything to his parent now that they're back together makes any sense. I'm pretty sure I won't bring it up - and if it were to come up I'd suggest the parent as her son about it first. Thanks for your thoughtful response.
It's the drunk & high I'm mostly concerned with, and whether or not proactively saying anything to his parent now that they're back together makes any sense. I'm pretty sure I won't bring it up - and if it were to come up I'd suggest the parent as her son about it first. Thanks for your thoughtful response.@butterfly123 If you feel the need to monitor your daughters phone and texts, don't feel bad about it. If I hadn't been monitoring my 16yr olds texts, I would have never known she was planning to meet with a 20 yr old soldier (we live in an army town) instead of going to her friend's house. People want to say it's an invasion of privacy, that's their opinion. Let them do with their kids phones how they want, and you do what you feel you have to do with your kids phone. I monitored my kids phones and they're 21, 19 and 17 and have never been pissed off at me or upset if I was in their phone or caught them doing something, they don't hate me or resent me. We have very close and open relationships with each other. So don't listen to naysayers. I personally didn't let mine go out or spend time outside of school with boyfriends/girlfriends until they were 16. Again, no one went crazy, buck wild, or rebellious over it. Why do parents seem to think that if you insert rules and boundaries that all kids will rebel. Some might, some even do it without tons of rules and boundaries. But it's not a given, and I've never regretted any of the things I did to keep my kids safe.
@butterfly123 No. People cheat. Sorry she had to learn that at 14, but don't involve his parents.
@suzyncub The cheating isn't the problem.
The drunk and high is the problem and the parents absolutely deserve to know that part. If they choose to go nothing about it, that's on them, but they should know.
It's crazy that any adult here would think a parent should cover or leave a 14 year old alone for substance abuse.
The drunk and high is the problem and the parents absolutely deserve to know that part. If they choose to go nothing about it, that's on them, but they should know.
It's crazy that any adult here would think a parent should cover or leave a 14 year old alone for substance abuse.
michael1981
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alwaysbethinkin
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chriscomplex
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@butterfly123 You don't know for sure that he really got drunk and high. He could have been lying to excuse his kissing, or to seem cool when actually his parents allowed him to have an alcoholic lemonade while on vacation plus he breathed in some secondhand weed smoke. Kids exaggerate.
The parents seem to have been responsible so far, and I doubt they would have let a 14 yo go on vacation without them. So most likely they were on vacation with him, and they know what did or did not happen.
You could ask his parents about the vacation if you really wanted to. But I wouldn't *tell* the parents based on what you saw of their text messages.
The parents seem to have been responsible so far, and I doubt they would have let a 14 yo go on vacation without them. So most likely they were on vacation with him, and they know what did or did not happen.
You could ask his parents about the vacation if you really wanted to. But I wouldn't *tell* the parents based on what you saw of their text messages.
@butterfly123 I know this is yk ask parents but as a kid (I'm 17 so hopefully it's enough to have a valid input), I'd say give her more privacy and ask your daughter if it's alright to tell his mom. If he can get away with the drinking and whatever not while cheating in the process, he's probably going to do it again. It's also a matter of his health + your daughters mental health all at once. I've got friends who have literally died already due to an addiction that started that early + I understand how painful it is to have your first bf cheat. Also to factor in, he could get her hooked onto stuff which could make things a new and even worse story.
Sending a sympathetic mama hug your way.