@butterfly123 Life is life, my town isn't getting far in teaching us right from wrong so even knowing what i know now is surprising. And your welcome. I hope she can understand where you come from on everything and I hope it all ends well because I understand the heartbreak and all the pain and I hope she doesn't have to endure it again by staying with him. Good luck with the issue and I hope it gets figured out.
My 14 y/o daughter’s first bf cheated on her while he was drunk and high (!!) on vacation. He’s also 14. Should I tell his parent what happened?
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butterfly123
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Great discussion, appreciate the views on both sides.
As far as the cheating, I also feel it’s up to her to navigate, and I stay out of the relationship other than cheerleader or shoulder to cry on. We’ve stopped enabling them to hang out as often the last couple weeks but some of that is circumstances (the musical they are in and work) have made it impossible for us to drive them around since they live far apart and public transport isn’t good. 100% I and her dad have good conversations with her about the relationship, etc.
Very controversial about the texts, it had to be put out there though. I don’t feel great about reading them, and thanks to those of you who point out it’s harmful for her sense of security. Since she got a phone at 12, we discussed that as her parents we had the option to read them, but really never did.
Unfortunately earlier this year she was diagnosed with a eating disorder.
Privacy goes away (think bedroom & bathroom door always open level) and digital monitoring is needed to be sure she’s not engaging in ED behavior. Even just the camera can be a tool of the disease.
I completely admit that my own anxiety around this situation caused me to read way more of her communications than I would normally. Damage may be done and she may never trust that I won’t read her texts, but I can still back off doing it and talk with her openly about why it came that.
As for the booze and pot, I don’t think I’ll mention it to the BFs mom unless she says something about why the kids “took a break”. Probably it won’t come up (but I tend to pre-stress, hence my putting this question out there to begin with). At 14/freshman in HS we all know there are kids that do this stuff and kids that don’t, and we’ve said as much to our D. We’ll stick to supporting her in making good choices, and play it by ear if anything needs to be said to BF’s mom.
As far as the cheating, I also feel it’s up to her to navigate, and I stay out of the relationship other than cheerleader or shoulder to cry on. We’ve stopped enabling them to hang out as often the last couple weeks but some of that is circumstances (the musical they are in and work) have made it impossible for us to drive them around since they live far apart and public transport isn’t good. 100% I and her dad have good conversations with her about the relationship, etc.
Very controversial about the texts, it had to be put out there though. I don’t feel great about reading them, and thanks to those of you who point out it’s harmful for her sense of security. Since she got a phone at 12, we discussed that as her parents we had the option to read them, but really never did.
Unfortunately earlier this year she was diagnosed with a eating disorder.
Privacy goes away (think bedroom & bathroom door always open level) and digital monitoring is needed to be sure she’s not engaging in ED behavior. Even just the camera can be a tool of the disease. I completely admit that my own anxiety around this situation caused me to read way more of her communications than I would normally. Damage may be done and she may never trust that I won’t read her texts, but I can still back off doing it and talk with her openly about why it came that.
As for the booze and pot, I don’t think I’ll mention it to the BFs mom unless she says something about why the kids “took a break”. Probably it won’t come up (but I tend to pre-stress, hence my putting this question out there to begin with). At 14/freshman in HS we all know there are kids that do this stuff and kids that don’t, and we’ve said as much to our D. We’ll stick to supporting her in making good choices, and play it by ear if anything needs to be said to BF’s mom.
freeinnocentspirit
New member
@butterfly123 Oh my….. you want to tell his parent because he KISSED other girls?
Leave the poor kid alone.
Yes it sucks, but minor heartbreaks for your daughter will prepare her for a world when you can’t be there for her.
Leave the poor kid alone.
Yes it sucks, but minor heartbreaks for your daughter will prepare her for a world when you can’t be there for her.
butterfly123
New member
@freeinnocentspirit Not exactly- the kissing is whatever & between them- provided the info for context. It’s more that he was drinking and using pot when making lame choices like that at such a young age that concerns me, and I wonder if I should mention it to his mom. I don’t know her well enough to know how she’ll react, so after reading all the different views here I posted a follow up in another comment saying I won’t be initiating that conversation.
@butterfly123 I have a 14yo ds and I’d want to know and I would mention to another parent as well if I saw it in a text. Then again, I’m not a cool mom.
butterfly123
New member
@dorcas_12 Me either, and not really striving to be one apparently!
charleejohn
New member
@butterfly123 I gave my daughters criteria of I judge potential partner, it was up to the them to use proper criteria.
I keep my kids as close as possible, and share my own perspectives.
My eldest picked a few that she herself seemed to outgrow.
Wish all of them the best, life can be tough and unfair.
I keep my kids as close as possible, and share my own perspectives.
My eldest picked a few that she herself seemed to outgrow.
Wish all of them the best, life can be tough and unfair.
legionwrex
New member
@butterfly123 Your going to end up ruining your own child because you're so overprotective which is going to lead to resentment and never wanting to be around you in their adult life. Ask me how I know.
@legionwrex How do you know.
@legionwrex I don't care if my kid doesn't talk to me as an adult. As long as I can keep her from doing reckless shit as a teen. Mine already steals and lies about her age online. If I can keep her away from a guy getting her pregnant or fucking up her chances because of a record. I will. We don't own our children, when they grow up and can sustain themselves, idgaf if she don't talk to me. She can live as she wants, as long as only SHE has to pay for the consequences of her choices, not me.
manishbaskota
New member
@butterfly123 Jesus Christ, get a job. Your daughters dating life has nothing to do with you. 
@butterfly123 Noooooooooo! Let your daughter live her own 14yo life for goodness sake. Give her the respect she deserves.
keepcalmdrinktea
New member
@butterfly123 I’d start with solving the problems under my own roof before moving on to other people’s problems.
@butterfly123 I don’t think it’s worth damaging your relationship with your daughter to tell the boy’s parents about the drugs. If they don’t already know, they’ll probably figure it out soon enough.
I would be more worried about my daughter’s wellbeing than her bf’s wellbeing. Prioritize that.
I would be more worried about my daughter’s wellbeing than her bf’s wellbeing. Prioritize that.
@butterfly123 There is no reason She should be dating at 14
She is too young She needs School ,Sports, friends
Not a boyfriend
Make sure you have her tested for STI,s
Your the Parent take responsibility by not encouraging
Bad behaviour.
She is too young She needs School ,Sports, friends
Not a boyfriend
Make sure you have her tested for STI,s
Your the Parent take responsibility by not encouraging
Bad behaviour.
brightflame
New member
@butterfly123 There's a lot wrong here mom. First, there's monitoring your kids activities, typically if you suspect problems or see a performance issue elsewhere..and intrusion. You've crossed that line. Being 14 by itself is not a justification for being this involved in her private life. Second, your reason..until she can pay..is wackadoodle as well. You monitor or supervise based on actual need..skill deficit or actual risk...not simply bc you're paying. That simply is control. Third, 14 year olds don't "cheat"....your own personal issues with this are showing...14 yar olds don't know how to commit. They're 14.
So, i think you would do well to separate your own stuff here from your child's. You seem overly invested in her and her life, and you seem to have some major issues with control and intrusion as a result.
tl;dr: No, don't tell his parents. Get some therapy.
So, i think you would do well to separate your own stuff here from your child's. You seem overly invested in her and her life, and you seem to have some major issues with control and intrusion as a result.
tl;dr: No, don't tell his parents. Get some therapy.
divinelyloved
New member
@butterfly123 You need to stop monitoring your daughter's phone and leave her alone and get your own damn life. Holy crap lady.
@divinelyloved She does need to monitor the phone. I didn't monitor my 14-year old son's enough and he spent 4 months getting high and drug seeking until he ended up hospitalized. If I'd been watching, I could have caught some of the problems sooner. Now we have a long-term problem we can only hope he outgrows. And despite tight monitoring now, he still finds ways to communicate with plugs. Now that he knows everything, it's so much harder to prevent poor decisions.
dtbguy2013
New member
@bianca123 It sounds like there were other issues here besides you not being a helicopter parent.
@dtbguy2013 I was the opposite of a helicopter parent. That's my point.