@eddylowe59 I agree with you in principle but maybe its a good thing for people to learn that anything you send online can be read by other people? I haven’t really considered this much so I could be way off. But kids should learn their online activity is permanent and ultimately not secure/private.
My 14 y/o daughter’s first bf cheated on her while he was drunk and high (!!) on vacation. He’s also 14. Should I tell his parent what happened?
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brownrecluse2470
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@has56 Yeah, that's a fine lesson to learn. Maybe as a parent, you have a rule that you monitor what apps they have installed, and there's no secret social media accounts.
These are messages between two people. Generally considered a private conversation. Personally, I think it's wrong. It's like reading your daughter's diary, or listening in on all her phone calls back in the day. Which some Moms did, but they were kind of assholes.
These are messages between two people. Generally considered a private conversation. Personally, I think it's wrong. It's like reading your daughter's diary, or listening in on all her phone calls back in the day. Which some Moms did, but they were kind of assholes.
butterfly123
New member
@has56 My D is firmly aware of this already, and it's a great point. Before this whole situation and before I actually read her texts, she wouldn't post much personal to snapchat b/c she said everyone always took screen shots and used them against people. It's ugly out there in the digital world.
katrina2017
New member
@eddylowe59 Yep this. My mom is a snoop and because of that Ive always hid things from her. OP needs better boundaries.
thewxander32
New member
@eddylowe59 I think this was written by the 14 yo daughter, actually.
@butterfly123 My sister in law was so involved in her daughters love life it was embarrassing. It was literally daughter, bf, sister in law. She was Involved in every argument every Anniversary ( she said its been 1 month youve been dating him we need to buy him a gift) . She friended his mom on fb and sent her recipes and had them over for a bbq. And she was right beside her daughter burning the bfs stuff when he finally cheated in her. She quickly unfriended the mom on fb.
Let your daughter navigate love relationships. Let her kiss the frogs.
But my God don't be so involved you're contacting his parents about stuff. That's too much. Speaking from an observers pov and from my neice confiding in me about her mom.
Let your daughter navigate love relationships. Let her kiss the frogs.
But my God don't be so involved you're contacting his parents about stuff. That's too much. Speaking from an observers pov and from my neice confiding in me about her mom.
reverejack
New member
@butterfly123 The best thing you can do to protect your daughter is to make it clear to her you don’t approve of underage drinking or using drugs. Try not to let on that you’re telling her because you know her boyfriend is into mischief, see if you can’t find something in the news or something to make it seem relevant. I know when the school year starts is a good time to be setting boundaries and expectations. You could say “I realize this is your first year of highschool. I remember being offered drinks and weed my first year of highschool. I love you and want you to know you can always come to me. There’s nothing you could do or tel me that would make me love you less. I’ll never withhold my help from you. There might still be consequences, but I’ll do everything I can to help you get out of a bad situation. I’m not okay with you drinking or smoking underage.”
As far as the boyfriend goes, I would see if you can’t get her involved in other stuff to keep her busy. Fill her schedule. Help put her in places that allow her to make lots of friends and gives her something to do.
Let her know if she needs someone to talk to you are always there for her. Tell her you remember what it was like being 14 and have learned some stuff along the way. Keep her secrets.
When I was 14 I started spending time with a boy and my mom told all the women at church, all 5 of my older siblings, and anyone who she passed in the grocery store. I asked her not to tell other people about my life and she said “but that’s no fun!” And then and there I decided I would never tell her any sensitive information because she’d just go blabbing about it to everyone. I am 26 and I still do not tell her anything about my life. I keep secrets from her constantly. She’s an outsider to me. We could have had a relationship if she would have just been willing to keep my confidences between us. Instead we had no intimacy or affection leading to an empty relationship and a lot of resentment. Don’t tell his parents. If his parents were a safe place for him they would probably know already, in fact they might already know anyways. Support her and let her tell you herself so you don’t have to just read all of her messages. My mom also read an email I had drafted in confidence to my friend about something very personal. I got up and left the computer to do something and when I came back she had read it. I felt so betrayed and violated. Instead of trying to monitor her, maybe try being a safe place for her to come if she needs you. Do whatever you can to earn her trust, and show that you trust her to do what’s right.
As far as the boyfriend goes, I would see if you can’t get her involved in other stuff to keep her busy. Fill her schedule. Help put her in places that allow her to make lots of friends and gives her something to do.
Let her know if she needs someone to talk to you are always there for her. Tell her you remember what it was like being 14 and have learned some stuff along the way. Keep her secrets.
When I was 14 I started spending time with a boy and my mom told all the women at church, all 5 of my older siblings, and anyone who she passed in the grocery store. I asked her not to tell other people about my life and she said “but that’s no fun!” And then and there I decided I would never tell her any sensitive information because she’d just go blabbing about it to everyone. I am 26 and I still do not tell her anything about my life. I keep secrets from her constantly. She’s an outsider to me. We could have had a relationship if she would have just been willing to keep my confidences between us. Instead we had no intimacy or affection leading to an empty relationship and a lot of resentment. Don’t tell his parents. If his parents were a safe place for him they would probably know already, in fact they might already know anyways. Support her and let her tell you herself so you don’t have to just read all of her messages. My mom also read an email I had drafted in confidence to my friend about something very personal. I got up and left the computer to do something and when I came back she had read it. I felt so betrayed and violated. Instead of trying to monitor her, maybe try being a safe place for her to come if she needs you. Do whatever you can to earn her trust, and show that you trust her to do what’s right.
@reverejack I’m just curious about the potential fall out from his friends if they discover who informed the parents. Kids retaliate for less. I’m not suggesting that the potential of getting bullied should be a mitigating factor in the decision of whether or not to call the parents. I’m just throwing it out there.
joshgale123
New member
@butterfly123 I think I would tell them…I mean, you don’t want them hanging out because he’s shown poor judgment and you don’t want him influencing your daughter. If my kid were drunk, high, and that generally sloppy at 14, I’d certainly want to know. All that said, your daughter deserves more privacy than you’re giving her
@joshgale123 I have to agree about the privacy. I had absolutely zero privacy growing up. I felt like a caged animal. Someone was always watching my every move. Also, going to drop that I’ve been NC with my parents for the last 7 months…for not respecting boundaries.
@butterfly123 I feel you need to speak to your daughter first, explain your concerns regarding drugs and underage drinking. I feel 14 is still young and I think having the option to go throigh her phone is good but I wouldn't be doing it all the time. Give a bit of trust.
I also feel that I would want to know if I had a 14yo child that they were involved with drink and drugs. Again, not a snitching perspective rather a place of concern for still a young teenager
I also feel that I would want to know if I had a 14yo child that they were involved with drink and drugs. Again, not a snitching perspective rather a place of concern for still a young teenager
butterfly123
New member
@kayus Thanks, yes, we've actually talked about those issues since she was at least in 5th grade, if not earlier. She knows since we got her the phone at 12 we had the option to read things. We never really bothered until recently, sadly, due to other circumstances beyond any of our control. This parenting teenagers is tough! It's karma for what I put my poor parents through I'm sure (we're still close fwiw). Thanks for the thoughtful response.
@butterfly123 I'll have all this to come in 13 years 
best of luck
best of luckquestioner46
New member
@butterfly123 This is a rite of passage for a lot of teenagers (being cheated on). It’s not your place to get involved other than being supportive, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, for your daughter.
What happens next will be interesting:
*The boy will possibly never cheat again, and he will call it a lesson learnt. (Which is exactly me 30 years ago at that age, I cheated on a girl I loved (also inebriated) and still feel bad about it to this day - I’ve never cheated on anyone since).
*The boy will cheat again, in which case it may be a lesson learnt for your daughter.
Teenage romances aren’t generally built to last, and your daughter will go through many more heart aches of this or different styles over the next decade or so.
Be the support pillar for her.
Make sure she can come talk if she wants to.
Don’t get involved, don’t even offer advice, unless she specifically asks. And even then, offer her options, let her decide her outcome.
Well that’s just my two cents. I was once that 14-yr old boy, but am now a 44-year old father of a daughter.
What happens next will be interesting:
*The boy will possibly never cheat again, and he will call it a lesson learnt. (Which is exactly me 30 years ago at that age, I cheated on a girl I loved (also inebriated) and still feel bad about it to this day - I’ve never cheated on anyone since).
*The boy will cheat again, in which case it may be a lesson learnt for your daughter.
Teenage romances aren’t generally built to last, and your daughter will go through many more heart aches of this or different styles over the next decade or so.
Be the support pillar for her.
Make sure she can come talk if she wants to.
Don’t get involved, don’t even offer advice, unless she specifically asks. And even then, offer her options, let her decide her outcome.
Well that’s just my two cents. I was once that 14-yr old boy, but am now a 44-year old father of a daughter.
@butterfly123 If I was his parent, I would want to know if my 14 yr old was drunk & high. However some people don't want to know and some simply don't care. You may have to test the water to see how interested they would be in such sensitive information.
Good for you for keeping an eye on your daughter.
I wish you were my parent. At 15 ,I was pursued by a 25 yr old, and nobody said anything or asked any questions. He was a jealous control freak who used physical and emotional abuse as punishment for speaking to any other guy for any reason. I was with him for years, and it did quite a bit of emotional damage.
Good for you for keeping an eye on your daughter.
I wish you were my parent. At 15 ,I was pursued by a 25 yr old, and nobody said anything or asked any questions. He was a jealous control freak who used physical and emotional abuse as punishment for speaking to any other guy for any reason. I was with him for years, and it did quite a bit of emotional damage.
butterfly123
New member
nhettrick5
New member
@butterfly123 Tell his mom everything. 14 year olds that cheat, drink, and get high grow up to be men with bad character. Hopefully his parents can correct course with him before he grows into a “good guy” whose actually an awful person.
emilyjolene
New member
@butterfly123 Reading everything I would pull his parents aside and calmly let them know.
"Hey, I just wanted to let you know when I was doing my supervision checks on Ds phone it said [kid drunk and high, don't even mention the break up cuz that's not really the problem here] and figured you would want to know." Or something like that
I'm currently sick so my wording isn't amazing but something that says "hey I'm not judging or criticizing or condemning you or your parenting but if I were in your position I'd definitely want to know what's up." Kinda wording.
"Hey, I just wanted to let you know when I was doing my supervision checks on Ds phone it said [kid drunk and high, don't even mention the break up cuz that's not really the problem here] and figured you would want to know." Or something like that
I'm currently sick so my wording isn't amazing but something that says "hey I'm not judging or criticizing or condemning you or your parenting but if I were in your position I'd definitely want to know what's up." Kinda wording.
katrina2017
New member
@butterfly123 We were all kids once, we all know what it’s like to sneak behind our parents backs and hide things. However, I wish I would’ve have had more conversations with my mother about all the things I was going through at that age and felt comfortable sharing my feelings more. Talk to your daughter explain things to her, and also just listen. Bc sometimes kids don’t want your advice and they just need to vent. So just really talk to her.
And as far as the other kid, hell yeah I’m telling the parents, they need to talk about it too. I remember smoking at 13 too and I did it for stupid reasons, and as a 13 year old I did not know everything but certainly thought I did.
And as far as the other kid, hell yeah I’m telling the parents, they need to talk about it too. I remember smoking at 13 too and I did it for stupid reasons, and as a 13 year old I did not know everything but certainly thought I did.
listenyoumust
New member
@butterfly123 The other parents absolutely need to know about their child’s drug use!