Great discussion, appreciate the views on both sides.
As far as the cheating, I also feel it’s up to her to navigate, and I stay out of the relationship other than cheerleader or shoulder to cry on. We’ve stopped enabling them to hang out as often the last couple weeks but some of that is circumstances (the musical they are in and work) have made it impossible for us to drive them around since they live far apart and public transport isn’t good. 100% I and her dad have good conversations with her about the relationship, etc.
Very controversial about the texts, it had to be put out there though. I don’t feel great about reading them, and thanks to those of you who point out it’s harmful for her sense of security. Since she got a phone at 12, we discussed that as her parents we had the option to read them, but really never did.
Unfortunately earlier this year she was diagnosed with a eating disorder.
Privacy goes away (think bedroom & bathroom door always open level) and digital monitoring is needed to be sure she’s not engaging in ED behavior. Even just the camera can be a tool of the disease.
I completely admit that my own anxiety around this situation caused me to read way more of her communications than I would normally. Damage may be done and she may never trust that I won’t read her texts, but I can still back off doing it and talk with her openly about why it came that.
As for the booze and pot, I don’t think I’ll mention it to the BFs mom unless she says something about why the kids “took a break”. Probably it won’t come up (but I tend to pre-stress, hence my putting this question out there to begin with). At 14/freshman in HS we all know there are kids that do this stuff and kids that don’t, and we’ve said as much to our D. We’ll stick to supporting her in making good choices, and play it by ear if anything needs to be said to BF’s mom.