Me: Two and done; Wife: Feels the need for three

[cassiabr]

TLDR: The Title

So my wife and I now have two children. The oldest is a boy who is nearly 3 y/o and our second born is a girl who is 1.5 y/o. We first had the discussion for one and likely two and she brought up three and I said no, before she was first pregnant with our first, to which she opened it up to talk about it later after we have one. I was reasoning for two so they can grow up together and have a sibling bond and avoid any lack of social bonding structure growing up as a sole child. My wife and I fully agreed on two and maybe the option for three if the second child wasn't a girl (one of each). We have one of each and now after being a parent for the time I have, I'm ready to get a vasectomy and my wife wants a third. This may sound bad I've been too angry with the nonsense of the children and dealing with it all and now that they are getting to a place where they can tell us what's wrong and be somewhat a small person I'm starting to relax. The kids have put a hardship on the marriage that I think we finally rounded the corner from I believe and I don't want to go through that again. I'm 100% fully into not having any more children for financials, cars, in essence having an odd number of children for when you split up tasks with them, and just overall hitting the reset button once again and feeling like I'm yet again wasting another 2 years of my life to live our lives. I overall dislike children (other people's naturally and sometimes I feel like my own) and have little patience. I know and understand I'm not the ideal person to even be a parent some days and I work on being a better dad to my children but to throw another infant on top of that is too much for me. This may just be a rant but with how close they are together in age (16 months) they basically were back to back. My wife has stayed steady with her insistence on another and I have been insistent to the point of finding a vasectomy office and not having another. My wife tends to lash out and I don't want her to be sad and resentful but for me, another child is not likely. Any helpful advice would be great and if not perhaps this rant can at least be printed out as my thoughts on paper on the subject. Thanks.

 

[kel_sulz235]

@cassiabr If its not a yes from both parties, its a no.

 

[pitrell]

@kel_sulz235 This is it.
My husband is insistent he is done at one, I haven't completely closed off from the idea of one more but am ultimately likely also done. We are still giving ourselves a bit of time to decide for sure, as our LO is only 15 months. But I know if hubby stays firm on his stance, that I will have to close the little crack in the door that I still leave open for a potential second and make my peace with that. There is no way I'd force him to have another if it is not what he wants.

 

[johnacola]

@cassiabr Couples therapy for sure. Your feelings are valid and she’s not listening that you are tapped out

 

[hgie777]

@cassiabr Baby fever comes and goes. I can understand her really wanting a third right now, but given some time she might find she feels differently. Hopefully she can think logically and see that the best thing to do would be to give it time

 

[born94]

@cassiabr Just FYI, only kids don’t have a “lack of social bonding structure growing up.”

Good luck figuring your family size out.

 

[chosenremnant]

@cassiabr Given your outlook on children, definitely have the vasectomy. More children increases the stress, and if you find two more than enough, 3 will be miserable for everyone - and particularly for the kids.

 

[thestudentlinda]

@cassiabr Tell her to give it time before making a final decision - bringing a human life into the world should never be rushed into. But in the meantime, try couple's therapy to talk through the situation with an unbiased person.

But I agree that if it's not an enthusiastic yes from both parties, the right answer is no.