It all came crashing down Tuesday

[pensonfam]

Tuesday the 6th of June 2023 my partner went into Labour 39 weeks and 3 days. Our first. 6 hours later a scan revealed no heart beat, after 9 months of perfect scans, perfect growth weight and the little bugger doing ju-jitsu in her belly it was over. It was being induced Saturday.

My last 48 hours has been hell, I’m so heart broken I don’t know what to do with myself.

I can’t talk to anyone as everyone just says how sorry they are, it’s lost all meaning.

I’ve just had to leave my little boy at the hospital so he can be sent for a barrage of tests to see what went wrong and if it’s worth trying again.

The nhs midwives have been superb, the hospital had a private suite ready for this that was set up using donations, a lady came and made casts of his feet, hands and took a load of pictures all for nothing.

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post is but I am really struggling to talk to people I know, who were as excited as we were 2 days ago.

Shit happens and we will build around our grief, but I’m so unhappy I never thought it was possible.

Sonny has brought the sun to the east of England today, I just wish I’d been able to bring him home so he could have seen it.

Edit: thank you for all the replies, some have had us both in tears again, seems like this is going to be a common theme in the next few weeks, especially until the funeral and some element of closure.

As for her feeling responsible you are correct. We had 36 hours of her feeling that, no matter how many people said she wasn’t, 24 hours of morphine injections during the labour, which was also terrible knowing Sonny had already gone, had her head swimming, just before we left the hospital this afternoon a doctor came around and said he’d reviewed her notes and said her pregnancy has been textbook and she has hit every marker, 50th percentile, so there is no way that anything she has done or could have done would have made any difference, turns out 30 years of medical experience was enough to convince her.

2nd edit: I’ve read through all the posts and post replies, I appreciate each and every one of them. I’m sitting in the sun in the back garden with my partner, I will let her read through them too.

Thanks you so much for every reply.

 

[pilgrum]

@pensonfam I stole this from another redditor years ago when my wife's mother and father died suddenly. It's not much but if it helps once, it's worth it.

"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or holiday. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

 

[pensonfam]

@pilgrum Thank you so much, brought on a few tears but I appreciate that.

 

[everson]

@pensonfam Well done for engaging in the grief. It will allow you to heal. Allow you to help your partner to heal.

You’re a good man.

 

[paullyparrot]

@pensonfam OP I’m sending my love. I had a very similar story with my first little boy. He only made it 1 hr in this world, then left literally in front of my eyes. You are not alone, brother. Please DM if you need anything. There’s support groups on here too if you need it like r/babyloss but honestly take your time getting there. I know this is an odd thing to hear but someone once told me “this is the only club in the world you don’t want to join”, but you know what? Here we are. I hope that wasn’t too hard to hear, but I say that bc there is a community and family of us here who get it and are here when you need it. I was talking to another mentor of mine literally today, who has our same experience and he reminded me that “our bond does not end after this”. It’s so true. Do every thing in your power (when ready) to honor them. Our children’s lives matter just as much as someone who lives 100 years. Please let me know if I can help. Love you man, you’re still a great father because I know your love is just as strong as anyone else’s for their child on this sub. Take care. I’m around if needed.

 

[tammynik]

@paullyparrot Reading this I can tell you’re a great dad, and I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

[paullyparrot]

@tammynik Thank you man. My boy’s 5th birthday was about a month ago, it hurts the same as every year but it’s still special. We had twin girls afterwards and their birthday is this Sunday. They are very aware of their brother and he’s every bit a part of the celebration on that day too. OP is a father like the rest of us and that’s what I just want him to remember, and my heart is breaking for him right now.

 

[aliveinjesus]

@pensonfam As someone who has dealt with grief, as the waves start to get farther apart, you kind of learn to hold on to that as a piece of them and it becomes more bearable.

It never gets easy, it’s a new burden you will carry forever, but your shoulder get stronger and you start getting accustomed to the weight

 

[tammynik]

@pilgrum Thanks for this. I lost my brother 2 years ago today, and this analogy really resonates with me.

 

[carolj471]

@pilgrum This is (to me anyway) a moving and accurate descriptionof grief, thank you for sharing it. My dad died just over 7 months ago and those waves were fucking massive for a while, but they've started to lessen. OP, if you see this mate then you're in my thoughts.

 

[lonawin]

@pilgrum I remember reading that comment and have been searching for it with no luck. Do you have a link to it as it was originally written?

 

[pearllike]

@pilgrum The great @bruton - my favorite Reddit comment of all time.

 

[rob_skellington]

@pilgrum You want the waves because they remind you of the ship. You were yourself at sea, on that ship. The waves are awful, but they’re the only thing that remind you of those beautiful days.

Amazing post, thanks for sharing.

 

[jcc42]

@pilgrum I remember seeing the very same post before, on Reddit I think. Do you mind telling me where you found it originally? I’m thinking we both saw it on the same Reddit originally. It struck a chord with me then and also does now.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I know it doesn’t mean much but my heart is heavy thinking of this and about your family. I hope for the best for all involved

 

[pilgrum]

@jcc42 Sorry, don't remember where I got it originally.

I copied the text but never noted the user. I've shared it a few times, both here and in the real world, because if it helped my wife it will probably help others as well. I take no ownership of it, so feel free to share it as you see fit. Maybe one day someone will recognize it and lay claim, until then I just acknowledge that I didn't create it.

 

[laverne08]

@jcc42 Someone posted it under another comment --

https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/144ch1g/it_all_came_crashing_down_tuesday

 

[jcc42]

@laverne08 Thank you SO MUCH!

 

[nevisummers]

@pensonfam Been there, though we had answers. Cord was wrapped around my daughters neck 3x. It sucks. I know it’s unthinkable now, but it will get better. You so. Will always be a part of your family. My daughter was born 11 years ago and I think of her daily. Every once in a while tears still come.

One day, you’ll treasure the photos and foot prints you have. They’re not for nothing.

Be there for each other. Come join us at r/babyloss for support.

DM if you need to talk. Again, be there for your wife and hopefully she can be there for you as well. Good luck with the tests.

(If you end up needing funeral music, look up George Skaroulis. Be prepared for the most beautiful and sad version of twinkle twinkle little star ever.)

 

[somerandomdude]

@pensonfam I’m sorry for you brother. We lost our daughter Joni at 33 weeks so I have empathy for you and your wife. There really is nothing that can be said to make this suck less. It will be very difficult. You and your wife will have to go through the hardest thing you’ll ever face in your life delivering a lifeless baby. The only thing I would recommend (after you take some time to grieve and unfortunately wallow in your sorrow) is go to support groups. The only people that will be able to talk to or will understand you are parents that have gone through the same thing. Talking to family and friends will be very tough as they will either ghost you out of fear or they will say the worst thing possible. I would just stay away from anybody for awhile except for the support groups. That’s all I can recommend. My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

[moldme]

@pensonfam _as time goes on it gets better /@ivymeow

When the midnight moon is gleaming,

And the night is mine to keep -

When I'm drifting and I'm dreaming

In the seconds next to sleep -

Then I make my way to ponder

In the secret rooms behind -

Through the places where you wander,

In the spaces of my mind.

I will dream about you gently,

And I'll dream about us there -

By the fireside intently,

And the amber-orange glare -

I will dream about the story

That I never got to give -

In the glow of wistful glory

That we didn't get to live.

I will dream about forever,

And tomorrow, and today -

And I'll earnestly endeavour

To remember you my way.

I will dream about you, knowing

That the dream will fade and then -

When it's time to watch you going,

I will know I'll dream again.