@moldme Omg I love this! My dad just died of COVID a month ago and he got it through a bad way, a mix-up at a hospital.
Reading this resonates with me, I feel him in my dreams and know he is with me and not suffering anymore.
So thanks.
And to the OP, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words that can help but knowing that you have so much support and prayers for you and your wife is great.
Reading this resonates with me, I feel him in my dreams and know he is with me and not suffering anymore.
So thanks.
And to the OP, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words that can help but knowing that you have so much support and prayers for you and your wife is great.
prosperouschristian
New member
@pensonfam As hard as this is on you, I want you to take time to talk with your partner. You are both grieving badly, but she's blaming herself. She thinks she did something wrong. You can give yourself a purpose by picking her up. Let her know it isn't her fault. She did nothing wrong. She might not say it, but she feels it. As the dad in the family you need to comfort her. You need to take your energy and sadness and talk with her. You guys are doing this as a team. You'll get through it as one too.
@pensonfam I can't begin to express the sorrow I feel for you and your wife. This happened to us almost 12 years ago now. She was scheduled for a c-section (breach) at 39 weeks. Wife went into labor 3 days before. We went to the hospital with so much excitement and hope in our hearts only to have the triage doc tell us there was no heartbeat.
It was devastating. There are no words anyone can say that will make things better. This shit doesn't "happen for a reason." It isn't some sad event that was "meant to be." You're not being tested. This was a tragedy. Plain and simple.
Some advice, if I may. Communicate with your partner. We started off well in this arena, but everybody processes grief in different ways, different timelines, and has different needs. Be open with your partner about what you need and what she needs. Right now, those two things may be the same, but in 6 months they may be very different.
The single most impactful piece of wisdom I received from a fellow father in this position is that your address book will change. It's not immediate, but you will see who will stick around with you through this and who won't. That's not a knock on those we lose along the way. Some people cannot handle a parent's grief and choose to distance themselves. Sometime people say well-intentioned but utterly offensive things while trying to help. The aftermath of that can cause a lot of rifts. Do the best you can.
Finally, give yourself grace. You are a grieving father. Your partner is grieving too. You will both make mistakes, say things you don't mean, do things that you wouldn't normally do. This happens. Give yourself time, and recognize when you need time down the road too. We don't magically pop back from this one day. My life is not what it was 12 years ago. One thing that helped us was a support group we found called Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. They're in the US, so if you're not in the US, you may want to look to see if there is anything similar in your area. Their website still has many resources.
From one bereaved father to another, I can only wish for peace and love for you and your partner. You are loved. Your partner is loved. Your child is loved.
Feel free to DM anytime you need to talk, vent, ask questions, or anything else. There are a lot of resources out there for mothers, but very very few resources for fathers. I'd be honored to be a resource for you if you'd like.
It was devastating. There are no words anyone can say that will make things better. This shit doesn't "happen for a reason." It isn't some sad event that was "meant to be." You're not being tested. This was a tragedy. Plain and simple.
Some advice, if I may. Communicate with your partner. We started off well in this arena, but everybody processes grief in different ways, different timelines, and has different needs. Be open with your partner about what you need and what she needs. Right now, those two things may be the same, but in 6 months they may be very different.
The single most impactful piece of wisdom I received from a fellow father in this position is that your address book will change. It's not immediate, but you will see who will stick around with you through this and who won't. That's not a knock on those we lose along the way. Some people cannot handle a parent's grief and choose to distance themselves. Sometime people say well-intentioned but utterly offensive things while trying to help. The aftermath of that can cause a lot of rifts. Do the best you can.
Finally, give yourself grace. You are a grieving father. Your partner is grieving too. You will both make mistakes, say things you don't mean, do things that you wouldn't normally do. This happens. Give yourself time, and recognize when you need time down the road too. We don't magically pop back from this one day. My life is not what it was 12 years ago. One thing that helped us was a support group we found called Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. They're in the US, so if you're not in the US, you may want to look to see if there is anything similar in your area. Their website still has many resources.
From one bereaved father to another, I can only wish for peace and love for you and your partner. You are loved. Your partner is loved. Your child is loved.
Feel free to DM anytime you need to talk, vent, ask questions, or anything else. There are a lot of resources out there for mothers, but very very few resources for fathers. I'd be honored to be a resource for you if you'd like.
brokenwife
New member
hopeplusfaith
New member
@pensonfam Driving home without your child to an empty house is the worst part.
What helped us the most was spending a few days with my wife at a cabin in the mountains, with no cell reception or any electronics. It helped to get away from our house, and just be with each other with zero distractions for a few days. Definitely take time off to process things together when you're ready.
It's been 3 years for us, and it's still rough, but it gets easier as times goes on.
What helped us the most was spending a few days with my wife at a cabin in the mountains, with no cell reception or any electronics. It helped to get away from our house, and just be with each other with zero distractions for a few days. Definitely take time off to process things together when you're ready.
It's been 3 years for us, and it's still rough, but it gets easier as times goes on.
faithfuliris
New member
@pensonfam In France we call you « parange « a word created with « parents « and « angel « ( without necessary religious connotation). From several years now there is a social and a State recognition. Condoléances.
perfect786
New member
@faithfuliris I've heard it said that there is no word for a parent who has lost a child, because the pain is too unthinkable.
@pensonfam My heart breaks for you and your wife, friend.
katrina2017
New member
@pensonfam I lost my son 1.5 years ago at 33 weeks. It was a car accident. We’re 7 months pregnant now and are expecting a baby girl, but I’m scared everyday for what could happen. The pain of losing a baby is immense and doesn’t ever go away. It will take you a very long time to come to terms with what happened. I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this. Please just focus on the fact that you still have each other and can try again. Sonny was an angel too pure for this world.
chevypsmom
New member
@katrina2017 We were trying for ages, had two miscarriages, then a really scary birth ending very quickly in an emergency c-section (boy’s healthy). Two years later we’re pregnant again, but wife is bleeding throughout the pregnancy, twice we’re sure we’ve lost the baby. Somehow she (daughter) hung on, and I get it, she’s 5 now and fierce as fuck, of course she would make it. But I during the pregnancy, to cope, I had long discounted her, and wasn’t expecting her to come out alive, and it took a long time after her birth to get out of that mindset and connect.
Not sure what I would have done differently, but probably talk to someone about it (I didn’t).
Not sure what I would have done differently, but probably talk to someone about it (I didn’t).
@chevypsmom A year today we had our first miscarriage. We had another since, but we're now expecting. I'm so scared! And like you say, I have my guard up. I don't feel I can ahead or excited about what's coming in case it's tragic again
@pensonfam I don’t have words, and I’m not a dad. I’m a mom. I’ve had miscarriages, and while i know that doesn’t compare to your loss, i wanted to send you my love. And to your wife. A previous poster mentioned she’s probably blaming herself - no doubt she is.
Please do what you need to do for your own mental well being and your wife’s. There is no shame in therapy, support groups, a little trip to clear your head - whatever feels right. There are no instructions on how to handle this.
Thinking of you
Please do what you need to do for your own mental well being and your wife’s. There is no shame in therapy, support groups, a little trip to clear your head - whatever feels right. There are no instructions on how to handle this.
Thinking of you
@pensonfam Treasure the footprints and other tokens, you might find comfort in them more than you realize at the moment. Make sure to take time with your partner and let the emotions flow without boundaries, now is not the time to bury anything. The two of you have already survived a great ordeal, it’s no easy feat making it those 9 months.
Buy a gym bag for the garage if you find rage building.
Consider going off social media for a while. People mean well saying sorry, but it can start to create a mountain of weight after a while. There is nothing wrong with shutting the outside world out for a bit, but don’t shut your partner out.m
Support groups are underated for this situation, even if it is only on Reddit, we are all here if you need to vent.
Buy a gym bag for the garage if you find rage building.
Consider going off social media for a while. People mean well saying sorry, but it can start to create a mountain of weight after a while. There is nothing wrong with shutting the outside world out for a bit, but don’t shut your partner out.m
Support groups are underated for this situation, even if it is only on Reddit, we are all here if you need to vent.
@pensonfam Friend, we all share in your grief, if just a little piece. There’s nothing we can say but that we know it hurts and we can’t imagine the level of pain. I hope life is more kind in the future.
@pensonfam I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of having to drive away from that hospital without your son. Sonny is a beautiful name and I know you and your wife both loved him so, so dearly. He will always be your baby boy and you will always be his daddy. It’s hard when no one wants to talk about loss and no one really knows what to say but I think talking about him is important and saying his name is important. He mattered and his life mattered. His little life was one of love; all he knew was the warmth and comfort of your wife’s womb, her steady heart beat, her voice and yours. I’m sure you talked to him and he knew your voices and those were the first sounds he had and felt. I know that isn’t enough, and it isn’t fair. You will love and think of Sonny every day forever, because you are his daddy and you are a good one. I pray you and your wife can navigate this together and lean on each other and somehow shoulder this grief together.
@pensonfam There are going to be plenty of well-meaning people that say things that are going to hurt over the next few days and weeks, they just cannot know what you’re going through. It’s like once it happens to you, you’re on a different planet to those that haven’t gone through it before.
But rest assured you’re not alone on that planet, if you ever need a chat reach out.
Also in the East of England.
One thing that may be of use is that NHS told us nothing was wrong and it was just horrible luck but when we tried again unfortunately it happened a second time. What they didn’t tell us is that if it happens as late as this just once you can be referred to recurrent miscarriage care, even on the NHS. If you have private healthcare even better, but either way I can recommend a couple of great specialists to speak to when you’re both ready.
I’m so sorry.
But rest assured you’re not alone on that planet, if you ever need a chat reach out.
Also in the East of England.
One thing that may be of use is that NHS told us nothing was wrong and it was just horrible luck but when we tried again unfortunately it happened a second time. What they didn’t tell us is that if it happens as late as this just once you can be referred to recurrent miscarriage care, even on the NHS. If you have private healthcare even better, but either way I can recommend a couple of great specialists to speak to when you’re both ready.
I’m so sorry.
@pensonfam damn. prayers to you man. reach out for local support, an unfortunate number of people have been through this.
@pensonfam My man, I’m so sorry for you and your wife. I work in pregnancy related psychiatry, so I’ve seen and heard some of these awful stories. It isn’t fair. It isn’t understandable. There is support, also for men (gets forgotten often !!) But keep connected with your wife, even though the colour and height of your griefs will be different at times.
@pensonfam I'm so sorry. Please seek out a grief therapist. I went though this 2 years ago, we're about to come up on his 2nd birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him.
I struggled for a couple of months until I finally got into therapy. I had rage that would just come from nowhere followed by tears part sadness, part shame. I was a terrible husband and dad to my daughter.
If you need to talk or just want to vent shoot me a PM.
I struggled for a couple of months until I finally got into therapy. I had rage that would just come from nowhere followed by tears part sadness, part shame. I was a terrible husband and dad to my daughter.
If you need to talk or just want to vent shoot me a PM.