Is OAD becoming more common in part because parenting is harder now?

[mikecrb]

I saw this Twitter thread and it made me think about the ways that parenting is harder now than just a generation ago. I wonder to what extent that’s playing into decisions to be OAD.

Of course, I understand and mostly agree with the safety rules for babies and little kids, but they sure make things harder at times. For example, my daughter was an awful sleeper when she was little, and I was pretty miserable. We followed all the AAP sleep guidelines to the letter. Maybe if those guidelines hadn’t been there, we would’ve found some trick that would’ve helped my daughter sleep. I also think my parents would leave me home alone at a much younger age than I’ll ever leave my kid. Again, of course I understand why we have those rules now. But in some ways, parenting would’ve been easier just 20-30 years ago. Maybe it would’ve felt more manageable to have a larger family.

Thoughts?

 

[lccpmoouc]

@mikecrb IMO, cost of living is the huge driving factor. I can't afford a home large enough to comfortably fit a second child, I can't afford child care for a second child (even in my current shoebox house), if I stayed home and we somehow crammed an extra person in this house... my daughter wouldn't be able to do any of her extra curricular activities, we wouldn't be able to eat out (ever) and my ability to retire would disappear.

I live in a country with socialized health care but that doesn't cover dental/vision/prescriptions so leaving my job also adds several costs because my daughter and fiance both need regular medication etc. Higher education is horrendously expensive, so I can't afford to save for 2 kids.

Everyone is having to move across the country from their parents/support network to even afford basic rent so nobody has help. Visiting family for the holidays is extremely expensive (flights are hundreds of dollars per person, hotels are hundreds of dollars per night). So having more than one kid also means seeing family less when in reality we'd need family more than ever. Therapy is hundreds of dollars an hour and most couples are finding they need some kind of marital counselling to cope with the infant years + no help + intense pressure from society to not make even the slightest mistake...

Overall, having just one kid is enough to completely ruin your finances and your relationship to your spouse. IDK how anyone is comfortably managing 2 kids if they didn't buy their house pre-2018.

 

[cmurawski]

@lccpmoouc Absolutely, cost of living and having to live in a different city for job opportunities is another factor. The “village” is no more, unless you are lucky to grow up in a good area for jobs, or you have truly selfless wonderful friends. And yes it seems like most couples wind up in counseling or “have a rough patch” when the baby arrives. Doing that twice is not appealing.

 

[jackofall]

@cmurawski I would definitely have a village if my parents didn’t still have to work over 40 hours a week just to get by. I think the deterioration of the village is also being caused by retirement age going up. I was raised mostly by my retired grandparents while my parents work. Now that I have a kid his grandparents can’t really help out much because they work all the time. We would all be stretched even thinner if we had another

 

[cmurawski]

@jackofall Also, grandma was much more likely to have been a SAHM or held a traditionally feminine job (teachers could retire at 60 where I live). So it wasn’t like Grandma was either still working in a demanding career OR too old and tired to do more than take the kids for an occasional afternoon. People having kids later in life, while it’s good for kids to have more mature and settled parents, mean that they are less likely to have healthy, active, yet retired grandparents.

 

[tornado16]

@jackofall our parents are all retired but they are also in their 70s and can't help much. Plus they complain about not getting to see him enough, but keep traveling so we want them to quarantine before they visit, and they like to invite us to things or visit in the middle of his nap and get mad that we won't alter his schedule for their convenience

 

[jackofall]

@tornado16 That’s really annoying. I’m sorry you have to deal with that kind of treatment

 

[inhisarms17]

@lccpmoouc ALL OF THIS! Daycare for one kid is more than our monthly mortgage payment. New clothes for the kiddo every 3–6 months (he’s currently 18 months old). No family nearby (hell, no friends nearby either). Inequities in parenting and housekeeping have deeply scarred my marriage. I know three moms right now who are all pregnant with their second child. I have to keep reminding myself that they have to have (1) financial security, (2) familial support, (3) a secure, equitable partnership, or a combo of those three in order to “make it work” with more than one kid.

 

[tpleut]

@inhisarms17 I’d consider buying clothes second-hand. There’s tons of kid’s clothes on Buy Nothing groups all the time. I also have a friend with a son who’s slightly older than mine and she sends me items he’s outgrown from time to time.

Outside of special occasions we rarely have to buy anything new.

 

[inhisarms17]

@tpleut I look at second-hand kids clothes all the time, but it’s actually cheaper to buy them new. Plus, my sister-in-law is pregnant with her first and I plan to hand down a bunch of this stuff to her.

 

[blonderr]

@lccpmoouc 100%! We moved from GA to CO for better quality of life. Cheaper area, less crime, more outdoor activities. But we essentially have no family here other than my husband and I, our daughter and MIL. I miss having more family close but if we stayed in Atlanta - or even a suburb we would never see each other due to commutes, would have a much smaller home and be concerned for our safety. It is not the city it used to be, sadly.

 

[katrina2017]

@lccpmoouc I agree with everything here! Except I don’t have socialized healthcare so add that to the list, lol.

Also, I grew up in public school yet the thought of putting my child in public school horrifies me. I want to have one so I can afford to keep him in the Montessori school that we love.

 

[josh_r12]

@lccpmoouc I didn’t even have to check your profile. I knew you were Canadian just from your description. I feel very lucky that I am out east and my parents are relatively close.

 

[shanrose]

@josh_r12 Haha, I knew it too! Ontario here. Family is near-ish (1-2 hours away, mostly) so we have it reasonably good, but I still don't have the support most people did a generation or two ago.

 

[katrina2017]

@lccpmoouc Yup. It’s definitely cost of living for us. But also, because of my health issues, I’m as infertile and I didn’t have my son until I was 34. And now I’m 37. I’m too old to wait another 8 years. And with my health issues, we struggle a lot and I just couldn’t handle another. Plus, my medication causes birth deformities and I need that medicine. So no more kids for me! And im happy with that.

 

[warri0r777]

@lccpmoouc Fellow Canadian here too!

 

[katrina2017]

@mikecrb Oh yeah. Used to be you could pop out six kids, make the older ones watch the younger ones, and then just spank 'em into submission so they're well behaved but inwardly emotionally stunted lol. I'm sure that was much easier.

 

[ryspi76]

@katrina2017 Lol my grandpa got a job to contribute to the family income at 6 years old. They would send him to the local newspaper printing shop and he would melt down the lead stamps used for printing. Who needed childcare when you could send them to work?? Needs were also less... he told me about picking orange peels out of the trash to chew on because they couldn't afford fruit except at Christmas. He was 1 of 11.

 

[daylate]

@mikecrb 100% And it's made even harder by this culture of martyrdom combined with parents who demonize anyone who happens to have a different parenting style.

 

[katrina2017]

@daylate I think part of that is everyone putting everything online. It opens you up the that judgement and criticism. It can also make parents feel like a failure when they don’t live up to someone else’s highlight reel.

Social media plays a huuuuge part in this. I got rid of Facebook and Instagram (never had twitter or tick tock) and it’s really nice.