@katrina2017 Which is a whole fakery. I knew a nanny that takes care of kids of an “Instagram family” that does 0 parenting when camera stops rolling. I live in the real world. No way that I will be able to handle multiples
Is OAD becoming more common in part because parenting is harder now?
- Thread starter mikecrb
- Start date
@mikecrb I think a big factor is how much struggle people have to go through BEFORE children are even on the radar.
You struggle to get into university. You struggle to find a full-time, permanent job. You struggle to pay back loans. You struggle to get on the housing ladder. Suddenly, if you're lucky, you're in your mid-thirties and faced with the question of whether you want to finally enjoy a little bit of what you've earned or if you want two more decades of struggle by raising children, in a world that gets harder every year. I completely understand why people choose to savour success and not risk everything.
You struggle to get into university. You struggle to find a full-time, permanent job. You struggle to pay back loans. You struggle to get on the housing ladder. Suddenly, if you're lucky, you're in your mid-thirties and faced with the question of whether you want to finally enjoy a little bit of what you've earned or if you want two more decades of struggle by raising children, in a world that gets harder every year. I completely understand why people choose to savour success and not risk everything.
@kellypink Ugh. I feel this. I didn't land a job with reasonable income security until I was 32. I married someone in a similar situation.
@mikecrb I think this is one of many reasons why single child families are becoming more common.
Yes, it is getting harder to raise a family. The world is a scarier and more dangerous place than it was when we were children. There is truth to the fact that in many places our parents could have left us in the car for 5 minutes while they ran into store for one or two items. Any parent who does that today is revered as a criminal, and for reasons that are not completely unfounded.
Helicopter parenting has added to the pressures of parenthood. Parents feel more pressure today than they did a generation again to have their children in multiple activities. This means little downtime or quality time for some families, because they are constantly racing around. Social media has perpetuated this ideal image many moms in particular feel they need to live up to.
There is a greater awareness and understanding of mental health now than in decades past. My SIL struggled with PPD when my oldest nephew (who is 24 now) was born. I asked her if her doctor even brought up the topic PPD with her, and she said no. She did not know that was she was experiencing was a real and valid mental health crisis that can occur
and is treatable. She suffered in silence because moms were expected to be glowing and happy. Nobody wanted to hear if you were struggling, or you were shamed if you admitted it.
The cost of living is higher. Fewer families can afford to live on one income. The price of food, housing, transportation, clothing, and all the daily necessities has risen faster than wages. More kids means resources are stretched even futher.
Above all, I think our generation is coming to the realization that we don't have to follow in the footsteps of our predecessors. A generation ago it was a given that a married couple would have children. If a couple did not, it was usually implied that they could not. Younger couples are questioning whether or not they need to have a large family (or any children at all) to be happy. They realize they can be fulfilled in other ways.
Yes, it is getting harder to raise a family. The world is a scarier and more dangerous place than it was when we were children. There is truth to the fact that in many places our parents could have left us in the car for 5 minutes while they ran into store for one or two items. Any parent who does that today is revered as a criminal, and for reasons that are not completely unfounded.
Helicopter parenting has added to the pressures of parenthood. Parents feel more pressure today than they did a generation again to have their children in multiple activities. This means little downtime or quality time for some families, because they are constantly racing around. Social media has perpetuated this ideal image many moms in particular feel they need to live up to.
There is a greater awareness and understanding of mental health now than in decades past. My SIL struggled with PPD when my oldest nephew (who is 24 now) was born. I asked her if her doctor even brought up the topic PPD with her, and she said no. She did not know that was she was experiencing was a real and valid mental health crisis that can occur
and is treatable. She suffered in silence because moms were expected to be glowing and happy. Nobody wanted to hear if you were struggling, or you were shamed if you admitted it.
The cost of living is higher. Fewer families can afford to live on one income. The price of food, housing, transportation, clothing, and all the daily necessities has risen faster than wages. More kids means resources are stretched even futher.
Above all, I think our generation is coming to the realization that we don't have to follow in the footsteps of our predecessors. A generation ago it was a given that a married couple would have children. If a couple did not, it was usually implied that they could not. Younger couples are questioning whether or not they need to have a large family (or any children at all) to be happy. They realize they can be fulfilled in other ways.
katrina2017
New member
@evilbeans Statistically the world is actually safer (in first world countries) the only difference is now a days we have all the news at our finger tips at all time. So it feels scarier. When we were kids there was the evening news and newspapers. You weren’t constantly getting inundated with the ads news form everywhere.
utookmyname
New member
@evilbeans I agree with you overall on most points but I don't think it's scarier these days. Overall crime is down and the threat of nuclear war is no higher than it was before. Infant mortality improved. It's just that we're more aware and therefore judged more.
@utookmyname Yes, this is an important thing to note. The perception of danger has increased, but the actual rate of child-related crimes by a stranger is still incredibly low. This has led to a culture of undue fear in which we are too scared to leave our children in the car for a few minutes. This absolutely makes parenting harder, but it is entirely self inflicted. It of course depends on the child, but many children are far more capable of being briefly alone and independent than their parents (and society) give them credit for.
utookmyname
New member
@sarah6722 Honestly, the potential for overheating in the car worries me way more than someone taking my kid. That's why my parents would crack a window and they would leave me 
@utookmyname Yeah, I mean it’s gotta be age appropriate. A little kid strapped into a car seat is an absolute no, but a six year old who knows how to operate the doors and windows?
@sarah6722 Most harm to children comes from people they already know, not strangers. It makes more sense to be wary of the softball coach than some wild-eyed guy in the bushes. Not that you should be paranoid of other adults in your child’s life (trust but verify!) but Stranger Danger is not really a thing; Family Friend danger is.
@cmurawski This is exactly why it's important to teach kids, even really little kids, about body safety and touch and consent. One episode of grooming and abuse is bad, but it's far worse if carried out over a long period of time and they don't tell anyone due to shame and not being educated about such things.
@shedrach 100% agree! Sex education starts at age 4 or 5 in the Netherlands - only at that age they start with consent, boundaries, and using the proper names for body parts, that sort of thing.
That’s something I think a lot of modern parents are MUCH better at than back in the day. Children are not squeezy toys! Don’t teach them that they have to put up with unwanted touch and then act all shocked when they’re 26 and feel pressured into having sex (or drinking or whatever). Children should be fine with, for instance, not wanting to be ticked, or not giving Grandma a kiss.
And it’s so much easier to be the safe person for your child - someone they know they can confide in and have their back - when you have the one instead of a whole passel and you’re stretched to the limit.
That’s something I think a lot of modern parents are MUCH better at than back in the day. Children are not squeezy toys! Don’t teach them that they have to put up with unwanted touch and then act all shocked when they’re 26 and feel pressured into having sex (or drinking or whatever). Children should be fine with, for instance, not wanting to be ticked, or not giving Grandma a kiss.
And it’s so much easier to be the safe person for your child - someone they know they can confide in and have their back - when you have the one instead of a whole passel and you’re stretched to the limit.
@cmurawski I'm an expat in the NL. Is this true? That's so interesting!
professorphrink
New member
@sarah6722 I’m not worried about the car being unsafe, I’m worried about someone calling the cops on me! Yes we are more cautious and worried but we are also over policed by strangers making snap judgements.
@professorphrink Same, the only person I'm afraid of is some well-meaning busy body trying to play Hero to a kid who isn't in any danger whatsoever. Meanwhile, these same people calling the cops on parents wonder why they never see kids playing outside and drinking from the garden hose anymore (not sure why drinking warm, gross, hose-water brings back nostalgia for a certain type but). Guess it's just those damn tablets. 
professorphrink
New member
@evalove Yes I think before people had kids without much thought that they were bringing an actual human being into this world. After having one I realized how mentally exhausting it can be to properly raise someone into being a good and stable adult . I can’t see myself doing that with another kid in the same capacity.